the best 4 words ever

I heard back from my wife yesterday morning, later in the morning when she knew I'd be up but before the kids would be up.  She texted me that she was looking forward to our "date"  yeah she thought so too.  Also she was looking forward to reconnecting with me, yeah.  She asked me to call her, she didn't want to wake anyone up at this house.  We talked a lot, she said she was ready for me to be her husband again.  The best thing I had heard in a long time.  She said she was ready to try to find our love again.  I said I love you, she said, "I love you too."  The new best thing I've heard in months.  I was so excited.
  Got the kids off to school and shortly after she called me again.  She was working from home cause she hadn't slept all night (probably thinking and reading my old messages) and she needed some stuff printed.  So I printed it for her and took it with a starbucks over to her place.  We didn't chat long I mostly just gave her the stuff and she looked really emotional and wanted to be alone and get her work done so I left her to it.
  She called me again later that night, she was dropping her car off to get something fixed and needed a ride home.  Of course I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to come inside, of course I said yes.  We talked a lot about things, she has clearly thought about us moving back in together and how that would work.  She doesn't want to move back into this house with my parents and I can understand that.  Just the fact that she has thought about that I find encouraging.  She's worried about how everyone is going to take her coming back after she left me.  I can understand that, I am worried about how her family is going to take me after she left me too.  After so utterly failing in every way how are they going to feel about me being back?  I think it will go well with most people but there's still that nagging in the back of my mind that they will have some amount of pity in their eyes.  I'm not sure how I will adapt to moving into my wife's new place either.  Mostly I think I will be happy moving back in and being a family again, but will I see her place as the place she left me too?  Or will I see it as the place she accepted me into?  I guess I won't know until I am there.  In any case I think it will be short term, her lease is up in a year so we'll be moving along by then I expect. 
  I assured her that I will never hold anything she has done against her, that I have supported her decisions and I believe that she did what she felt was right to secure a life for her and our kids.  I also believe and respect that she sees change and alters her plans and views on what is right accordingly.  Though admittedly I am much more happy with her more recent decisions than her previous ones but the logic behind all of them holds and I have to respect that.  I tried to reassure her that the people in my life that were important would only be happy that things are being worked out and they would accept her 100%.  I will be extremely angry with them if they don't.  Some people I know will hold things against her, because they don't know the whole story and because they are over opinionated where they have no business being that way.  That's fine for them, I'll get over never seeing them again, but the important people will follow our lead.  Though I will have to coach them when the time comes to stay away from certain ways of saying things.  I can see my dad saying, "we are so glad you came to your senses."  That would be bad, my wife doesn't believe she lost her senses, and seeing that some people are interpreting this as a breakdown will be frustrating for her.  "We are glad the way things are turning out."  That's all you need to say about that, don't embellish don't use your own words, just say that and move on to a new topic.
  I got us tickets to Cats, my wife seems excited to go.  I am stoked to go to a musical with her, we always liked the theater.  I emailed her later that I would like to take her shopping for a new dress for the show as well.  Partly because I want to buy her something but also because I like to go shopping with her and watch her try things on and find some nice clothes.  Lot's of guys think that's a chore but I really like it and I know she likes shopping too.  Every day walking into work or walking to get some lunch or something I see so many clothes and dresses and all I can think is how pretty they would look on my wife.  I have wanted so bad to see her in them all and to get them all for her.  I think this will be a good chance to do all that and to connect with her doing something we both like as well.  I can't wait I want to do it right now, but we have time before the show it's like 4 weeks away.
  One step at a time,  I am excited about our first date, it's not everyone that gets to meet their soul mate twice.  Get's to have a first date twice with the perfect woman, get's to fall in love all over again with the woman of his dreams.  I get my once in a lifetime love twice.  I can't wait until tomorrow night.

good news

  Best 3am call ever.  Couldn't sleep tonight, that's nothing new I'm usually up exercising in the middle of the night, especially when I didn't work.  Earlier today I asked my wife to go to dinner on Saturday, again nothing new.  I am being persistent though I don't think pestering, I bring it up every couple of weeks that I would like to take her to dinner or drinks.  Last time we went out it was "Yes we need to talk" or "There are some things we need to discuss."  So, I am up at 3 and watching tv and working out and I hear my phone receive a text.  at 3 I am confused but I immediately think of my wife because after I texted her asking her to dinner I didn't hear back.  Also because every time the phone rings I am hoping it is her.  She said, "That would be nice."  It would be nice to have dinner with me.  Best news I have had in a long time.  So I texted her back, she was having trouble sleeping and saw she had a message.
  She often has trouble sleeping as do I so I am trying not to read too much into it, but on the other hand I know why I have trouble sleeping and it's because I am thinking of her.  Part of me is thinking that she saw the text earlier and has been thinking about it all night and finally had to get back to me.  In any case I think that her saying yes is a very big step and I shouldn't take it lightly.  I now how hard it has been for her to do this.  For the last 6 month maybe she has been moving away from me.  Building her strength to have that momentum.  Since she left she has been moving harder away from me.  Turning that around is not a light maneuver.
  So we decided that we would go to dinner, great news, and that I would pick her up after I was done work, great news.  Picking up a girl and taking her to dinner is a date.  She could have said, "I'll meet you there,"  just as easily.  She could have said where she thought would be a save neutral place to go.  She didn't say those things she let me pick she is letting me pick her up.  So my equation goes:
Dinner would be nice + You pick +  Pick me up = date.
  I hope she feels the same way I will feel silly showing up with flowers.  I will know as soon as I see her I guess, if she's dressed up or in yoga clothes.  I am hoping for dressed up.  Only three days to find out.  I feel like a part of my life just got given back to me.

getting some understanding

  It's been a busy week and I haven't had much time to write anything.  I think my wife and I have had a lot of constructive talks, well emails and texts really.  We did have breakfast yesterday.  With the kids.  I told her before, "how are you supposed to know if I am stronger and more the man you can fall back in love with if you never see me.  The only time you see me is when we are in a deeply emotional discussion."  I was trying to get her to go out with me, just light talk over drinks or dinner.  I know she isn't ready for that yet but I wanted her to know a good place to start.  So I think that breakfast with the kids was a safe start for her.  Having the kids there we couldn't get into anything too deep.  She knew that I couldn't break down and start begging her to come back.  So that was a nice step, we talked just about stuff.  I mentioned that I wanted to get a new TV so she suggested we go shopping at costco since she had the card and we could see what was available.  I found one but didn't end up getting it because they don't take master card.  It's probably for the best anyway, I more wanted to go just to get out with my wife.  It was like we were a family again, though it took everything I had not to walk up and put my arm around her waist as we walked.
  She still hasn't told me anything about her and I understand why.  She needs to see that she can stand on her own.  I think she felt held down with me and she wants to see what it feels like by herself.  I don't know if she is expecting to feel like everything is easier or if she is waiting to see if she can do it or see if it will be easier if we work together.  I don't know what she expects to find out she is not telling me.  She's not avoiding the questions, she is coming right out and saying that she needs to be closed right now.  I am thinking that she also needs to see me stand on my own.  She needs to see that I am strong enough to stand alone and capable of it so that when we get back together I won't just lean.  I also think that that is why she is staying closed, she doesn't want to give me anything to lean on to get me by until we do get back together and then I am just building a house of cards.  I can understand where she is coming from, maybe not fully, but I can see a point to be made. 
  Sometimes I feel as though she is orchestrating things to groom me into the man she wants me to be.  Though we have never plaid games like that so I don't think that is her plan, or her main plan anyway.  It may turn out that she is toying around with that a bit but I don't believe that she is that devious to plan everything like that.  She is just standing back to see what happens.  I told her I understand that she needs to be closed for things to work but that I need to be an open book.  The only way I can show her how strong I am is for her to look.  I told her I was in a glass house and any time she needed to see what I was doing to just ask, and that a lot of times I will need to tell her because I need her to see.  I need to parade my victories in front of her to show her I can and am doing it.

every little step

  Busy day at work today, that kept my mind from too much thinking.  I called the apartment place and found out they had nothing left in the 129 range.  That was a bummer, but I'm over that and sticking to my original plan.  Maybe when the do the next building.  I saw my wife today when she was dropping off the kids, we talked a bit.  I said "I love you" to her.  In the past it started out just before she moved out as "I Mumble moo to" under her breath.  "Then I got a sad and awkward "I know."  Today she smiled and said "thank you."  I know it's not much but I think a step up.  I'll take what I can get even if it's small, I'm in this for the long game, small steps mean big victories.

Not much further down than here

  Well here is what rock bottom looks like.  I don't know what tipped it off.  I had a couple slow days at work so lot's of time for my brain to churn out worse case scenarios.  I had sent some emails to my wife and heard nothing back.  Just generally feeling down in the dumps and like I was going no where.  So rock bottom looks like me sitting in bed preying to God, "God, I had strength, it has done me no good.  I had drive and direction, it has done me no good.  I gave forgiveness and understanding and they have done me no good.  I have nothing else to offer this world, take me now to your judgement, I am ready."  That moves well into, "God take my life please." 
  Wait that's not quite the bottom, I can cry in front of the kids a little.  "Dad, why are you so sad."  That is a hard thing to hear.  There's still deeper to go.  God and I have had a good agreement, I stay out of his house he stays out of mine.  I will only rarely go into a church out of respect for the people in it and God because I don't have a lot of use for organized religion.  I went to church, I sat in the front pew in front of God.  If he couldn't hear me at home he would be sure to hear me here.  "Please take my  life."  I prayed for hours.  They finally kicked me out of the church because they were closing.  There is still deeper,  I sat in the park behind the church in the cold and prayed more.
  My wife finally came and saved me.  She saved my life, I truly believe that I would not of accepted anyone else coming to take me in out of the cold and I would have sat there all night and froze.  I would have been happy to as well.  I was just waiting until I was dead, no drive to do anything at all.  It felt peaceful to have given up, it was strangely calming to just wait until I froze to death.  I didn't feel afraid or cold, just finished.  Like waiting in a long line up at some government building, just waiting my turn and nothing to do but sit and do nothing. 
  Yeah that's pretty close to the bottom of the barrel for me.
  My wife came to get me, we talked and got a lot of things out in the open.  Every time we talk I am filled with optimism for the next few days.  When we are talking I can see no outcome that doesn't see us back together.  So I stood back up and left my brief stay at the bottom of the abyss and went on.
  The next day was my first paycheck.  A nice big step.  I had hoped that my wife would be there to help celebrate but she wasn't, we haven't spoken since she got me at the park.  So it was kinda a hollow victory for me but deep down I now she was celebrating too, she did "like" my facebook post about it after all so I think she was happy about it in her own way.
  I saw a sign on the road by some construction advertising apartments for presale.  2 bedrooms for well within my price range.  Some down now, reasonable mortgage payments.  When we are ready to move back together we can get a house and rent the apartment out and make some money off it.  It has been so appealing and I have been so excited about it.  I haven't been the least bit excited about anything since my wife told me she was leaving, but this is very encouraging.  It's something I can do, it's another big step.  I think I need it to happen just so I can stay in a forward moving trajectory.  Especially after my visit to rock bottom I need a big step like this.  I need it badly I think.  Even just having it as a possibility is lifting my heart.  I have to make it happen.  Though I realize if it isn't a good investment or it is beyond my means then I won't do it I will keep looking, but if it is anything like what is in my mind I am going to chase after it hard, because it's all I have to chase after.  My first dream, a two bedroom apartment.  It's all I have.

I love you Andrea

  Andrea my love, my wife, my other self, marrying you was the only good decision I ever made.  There are so many things I want to tell you today but I feel that there is nothing I say that you listen to.  We used to talk and hear each other and make decisions that were best for both of us but now it seems the more I talk the less you hear. 
  I know you have said that you have spent the last two years trying to make our relationship work but you are wrong.  It takes two to make love work and you were working alone.  The way that I see it you spent the last two years preparing yourself to leave instead of helping us to stay.  When did you ever say to me, "We should see a counselor"  or "I am at my end you need to change now"  or even "Help me"???  I hear you say "I have to figure things out."  I know that I could have been more proactive but in my way I was doing my best to help us out.
  I know that you think you are doing your best to be the best person you can be and the best mother you can be.  You are wrong as well.  The best person we can be is together and the best parents we can be is together.  You are not giving that a chance and you are throwing our family away so that you can take the easy way out.
  No doubt that you have heard so many people tell you "I just want you to be happy," people who don't really want to get involved and stay neutral will tell you this.  "If it's just not there then it's best you move on"  That is a lie also,  If it's not there we can find where it is together.  The people in your life who are telling you to just be happy are only telling you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.  Nobody wants to get their hands dirty so nobody wants to ask you the hard questions because they are consoling you.  What they should be saying is did you try everything?  did you ask him to see counseling with you,  did you ask him for help.
  If you answered honestly you would say no, and as soon ask I knew your dire feelings I offered to do these things right away.  The first step in trying to fix a relationship is to seek help together as a couple.  You went by this and just gave up.  Perhaps because you felt that I wouldn't respond to it, perhaps because you just wanted to leave and never look back.
  You have talked about the best interests of our children and our family.  The best interests of our family is to stay as a family, you won't even try.  One day you will have to tell Parker and Paige that our family wasn't even worth trying for.  That staying together wasn't something you even wanted to attempt.
  Your love is not something that I can live without, without half my soul, without the best part of me.  I can never be happy without you in my life.  The thought of getting over you and living happily without you is even worse.  I am down to my last threads and I need you to make me whole again.  I hope that you can see some truth in my words and see hope for us in the future.  I hope that you see it before it is too late, I am so close to falling and I will never get up.  Please help me Andrea.
  I love you.

nothing left to do but hope

  Cried while brushing my teeth again this morning, it's a good thing I have had practice because I was short on time before work.  I ran out after the kids went to school and left my ring at my wifes house.  I have asked her many times if she sees any truth in the things I have said, if she sees any chance for a future for us.  She told me in very plain words, as parents we will always be a big part of each others lives, romantically no.  I don't see how else I should take that.  She is plainly not willing to let us work on things.
  I think she has herself convinced that it is best for me that I deserve better.  She has herself convinced that she has given everything a good chance over the last two years.  I told her that it takes two to make love work and she was only trying to fix it with one, the chances that she thought she was giving things was just her ignoring the real problems.  I still have hope and faith that she will see our love for what it is, she will see how much we had and how much she is giving up.  She will see that the love she gave me is just what I want and everything I want.  I also gave her a note labeled for my wife.  I know she won't read it now but one day soon she may, it is the link for this blog.  I hope it is still up e=when she comes to read it. 
  We both sent a few emails and stuff, I listed myself as single on facebook, only because alone wasn't an option, nor was fractured.  She did as well and then posted a note to me about how she will always see me as her friend and that we both knew this decision was a long time coming.  Almost immediately people were commenting and messaging me about it.  I left a message to her that that will never happen.  I could never be just her friend, that a platonic relationship will not happen because every time I look at her I look at her with the desire of a husband.  I can give her 100% of myself I want to give her 100% of myself.  All my love and affection is hers all she has to do is accept it, not even ask for it.  I can't give her 50%.  I can't hold back my feelings and pretend I don't love her and give her a good friend she can talk to and plan with, I am not capable of that.
  After seeing my posts she messaged me that she was taking it down, that our personal lives were ours and shouldn't be out in the open like that.  I agree somewhat, but I also wanted to get my point out there, that the people she is talking to are only seeing what she tells them.  The love isn't there anymore, but I wanted to voice even just a little that it was there still.  Maybe it was a bit too real for her. 
  I hope that she can see how much we loved each other, I almost hope that she sees how lonely it is without someone.  I really hope it is sooner rather than later.  But there is nothing else I can do or say,  actually I don't think she has listened to anything I have said at all.  I think she has her blinders on that she is focused on this is the best no and ifs or buts.  I hope it's sooner rather than later,  before it's too late.
  I called my counselor back, and said I'd like to book another appointment.   I don't know what to do next.  I can't not wait for her, but it kills me that I can't move forward and help her.  Maybe after this step things will move faster, who knows.  Maybe she is at home right now opening her eyes to some real feelings and some other point of views.  I can only hope, and that's all I can do.

peace cures back ache

  What a long couple of days.  Worked all by myself till closing last night.  2 hrs of sitting and thinking.  I told my boss what my situation is.  She is my superior and my colleague and I felt she needed to know.  I didn't elaborate a lot but just the basics.  I told her I didn't need special treatment or any kind of sympathy, but that all I do is work and think and it was in both our best interests to keep me working and thinking about work.  If I'm not thinking about work then I'm thinking about life and I don't really want them to have to scoop me off the floor in the back.  I didn't tell her that last part of course, but I wanted her to realize I need more to keep me occupied than just selling and if I'm not occupied then I will be looking for something else to occupy my mind.  I think I'll be getting more and more responsibility anyway, I am starting to show my colours there and I think they like what they see.
  Still, it was a long two hours by myself on a slow night.  Then a day off today.  The kids off to school I ran around and got some groceries.  Just walking as slow as I can through the isles, taking my time, don't want to move too fast I might loose concentration.  Then things picked up.  I met my wife at the lawyers to sign some papers to sign over our mortgage to my parents.  So we got to talk a little, and I got to see her, she is so beautiful.  Her skin looks so pretty I just want to touch her and smell her and feel her body against mine so bad.  She had some time before going back to work so we went to starbucks.  It was nice to have one less thing hanging over our heads, no more mortgage payments.  It frees up a lot of mind cells so we can relax a little bit more.
  We chatted about things, how my job was going how she was doing at work, chit chat, like we used to before.  I did ask her if she had been thinking about what we talked about Sunday and if she could see any truth in it.  The part about her being happy because she is alone or if it's because we were settling things.  She said she was enjoying her time alone, she has never lived alone, neither have I really.  She said she was happy more often than not but that she didn't know if it was because she was alone or because we were settling things and confronting problems and solving them, this house thing one more on the pile, a big one.  I said at least she was able to see a different angle.  When she first moved out it was get away don't look back, I'll never be happy with him, just be by myself is all I want.  That was her attitude and she's opening up.
  We quickly changed the subject to keeping the house clean and stuff.  We both agreed that we were able to keep the house tidier, I said because we have half the stuff in both our places we used to have.  Also I added because I wasn't at work all the time I had time to clean up.  If I don't go to work until 1, I can get laundry done clean the bathrooms and have a nap before I shower and go.  It is so much easier now to help on that front than before.  We talked a little about houses, I noticed that she is using the words we and us a lot more now.  When she first moved out it was all I, me, my, and you and yours.  Now sometimes when we are talking about plans and things she will say we or us.  I think it signifies she is thinking  more and more about us and us being together long term and us getting through this.
  It is so encouraging.  Our last two talks have given me so much peace.  Since this started I can hardly see straight.  I have been having so many vision issues, some times I can see clear others it's blurry.  My back has been in constant pain.  Since Sunday, it's all cleared up.  I am eating more too, I am more hungry anyway,  I don't enjoy anything I eat so I have been shoveling down a lot of tuna which is probably good for me.  I haven't craved fast food at all, again good for me, but I just don't thing that I enjoy the taste of anything right now.  Actually I had a half a beer that tasted pretty good on Sunday, some apple pie that was very satisfying and a root beer that tasted pretty good.  Otherwise it's all like eating cat food so why not just put in the nutrients and do it as cheaply as possible.