Of birds and stars and the sunrise.

  It was a bad day at work, not just because it was slow and that gave me too much time to think.  Mostly because it was what I was thinking of.  My mother in law was coming to buy glasses with my wife tonight.  I love seeing them but knew I probably couldn't handle it at work.  It was all I could do to not break down.  I knew I was leaving at 5 and thought they might not be there until after I left and I was counting the seconds until I could run out the door and avoid the whole thing. 
  I couldn't.  It was just my mother and her friend and I could handle that,  I was able to keep my nerves in check enough that when I was talking and handing them frames and stuff I was somewhat solid.  I didn't shake that much and I could focus and not shake noticeably in front of them and keep conversation.
  When my wife showed up though I went all to hell.  I couldn't look at her and hoped she didn't ask me how she looked in something because I knew I'd break down and say "you look so beautiful" and start crying.  I tried to keep my shaky side away from people or keep my hand in my pocket or behind my back.  And when I stuttered I tried to look like I was thinking.  I don't think I hid much from them because as soon as they had paid they left cause they knew I was right on the edge.  And as soon as they left I grabbed my coat and shot out as fast as I could.
  I only made it to the service hallway before I lost it and it was a long walk to my car trying to keep it together.  Starting my car was a challenge as was driving home.  Got home and took a chill pill right away.  It stops me from shaking and convulsing but it doesn't make me feel any better, just makes it easier to hide how I do feel.
  The comic convention tomorrow, the kids are excited.  I will be meeting some of my friends down there and also maybe my brother in law.  I have a little anxiety about that to be honest.  I don't know how to answer the "how are you?" question.  Avoid it as best I can probably.  People don't want to hear, "I'm a mess,  I can hardly stand.  Sometimes I shake so bad I fall out of my chair and drool on the floor.  Every night I prey I have a heart attack and never wake up.  Sometimes I think how peaceful it would be to pull a trigger and rest forever.  The stars don't shine, the birds don't sing, and the sun rise is grey and dark."
  Somehow people just want to hear "Hanging in there,"  or, "I'm good."  I can do that to people at work, customers and such, but to people I care about I don't want to lie.  avoid avoid avoid.  hope my druggs keep me from looking to bad.

Cats, not a date

  Yeah Cats was okay.  not big on plot really.  When Memories came on I cried.  they sang a version of it a few times.  I tried to keep it down but I know that my breathing was whimpering the last one.  My wife was wiping her eyes after the show too, I'm not sure if it was because of the emotion of the music or if she heard me and was sad that I was sad.  Maybe she felt the same way about our past memories.  Either way I think the emotion was a good experience for us to share, even though it was not a date, we were together and in deep feeling, that's got to be a good thing.

lucky I can still talk

  Well at least we are going to see the show still.  only a couple of hours left until the show starts.  We have agreed it is not a date just going as friends.  Not stood up anyway.  And she is seeing my counselor, though I think it's only to tell her to tell me to get a grip.  I think she was a little put off by my shakes.  While we were talking the other night they got really bad, it was hard to drive home.  I took it slow, didn't get pulled over which is good, I think that a cop would have sent me to the hospital straight away.
  It's not been good today either,  maybe I'm just nervous about going out.  Usually just confined to my right arm and if I concentrate I could make it stop, It's now more my body that shakes and it is very difficult to make stop.  I had an episode earlier, I was at the computer.  Not really over thinking anything but it came on strong, started in my legs and worked it's way up.  I was slouched over the desk cause I couldn't sit even,  then my face clenched up and I couldn't even cry my mouth was so tense.  I drooled a lot, lucky I didn't bite my tongue off I think.  Couldn't stop, couldn't hardly do anything but try not to fall out of my chair.  It passed before I blacked out,  not sure how I feel about that.  I guess it's good that I didn't have a heart attack, but I can't say I really fought hard to avoid it.
  I did buy a new tv and that has kept my mind off things a bit.  Though I am worried about making it through cats.  I watched Tron this morning and at the end when he said, "I have something to show you"  I actually said to myself, "the sunrise"  out loud and then started crying.  Not just emotional I get that at movies sometimes but I actually full out cried.  I hope it doesn't happen at the show.  Also I haven't listened to music at all since cause it's too emotional so I am going to get pounded today.  I guess I wasn't thinking.  I shall do my best to hold up.  Keep it together.  KIT is my new catch phrase.

touch and go

  I didn't think I was going to make it through this day.  All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry.  Pretty much all I did do too.  I'm pretty sure I'll make it through the night now, and reasonably certain I can get through another day of work.
  I was so excited about taking my wife out on a date to Cats this weekend, now I'm not even sure she will go with me, I feel like I'm getting stood up.

That's new

  I seem to have developed a bit of a twitch.  More of a tremble really, sometimes my arm will just start shaking and I can't stop it.  Or my fingers sometimes just my hand.  If I focus on it I can get it to stop, if I breath deep I can get it to stop.  I will usually stutter if I try and talk while it's happening, though I usually only do it when I'm alone and thinking and not when I'm in a position to talk to anyone.  I used to stutter a bit when I was younger and nervous, not for a long time though. 
  I have felt like I am on the brink of a heart attack for a while now but this shaking thing makes it seem closer.  I'm not sure having a heart attack would be the worst thing for me right now, I suppose that's a bad way of thinking but if I was dead it would be a lot easier for me.  My wife wouldn't have to be a divorce she'd be a widow, my kids wouldn't be split between two half families they'd be a whole part of one.  That's not such a bad thing.  My wife want's to be left alone, she'd get that too.  I guess she'd only have to admit to being my wife once more and that's claiming all my stuff as my next of kin.  A heart attack right about now would be the easy way out for every one.
  Some days I have so much hope.  Some days I'm shot down in flames and can hardly get through a day of work without making it to may car to cry.

Long time

  A lot has happened since I last posted, long story short she was in a moment of weakness and maybe shouldn't have said it.  Though things have I think gotten better between us because of it.  We are going shopping together on Friday to get her a new dress for Cats the following weekend.  I think it's going well, slow but well.  She has gotten more comfortable with hugging me and looking at me so that's a good thing. 
  Easter was hard for me, I missed family dinner with her family.  Seeing pictures posted on facebook from my wife's brother were hard to see.  It just accented what I was missing.  Not being a part of this family has made me realize how much I am going to loose if things aren't repaired. 
  She mentioned that I need to buy some new clothes too because I have lost a lot of weight and she thought I was getting unhealthy.  So I said two things.  One, that we need to go to vegas for a holiday, maybe when the kids are away this summer with her parents.  She said that is something we need to talk about later, I said "that's not a no"  but left it at that because I think it is too premature to talk about but that I think she deserves for me to take her on a holiday that's not a business trip.
  Second thing I said is that I'm thinner and lighter but not unhealthy.  I sent her a couple of pics of me flexing without my shirt on.  I looked good.  I guess I was hoping to show her how sexy I am and hoped that sparked something, also to show her I am not unhealthy just the opposite in fact.
  My friend Chester invited me to go with him to a comic convention at the end of the month.  I said it would be great for me to go and take the kids.  Looking into it I actually got excited to go.  The first thing I have been really excited to do on my own since my wife left.  So I am busy every weekend now.
  Also, I got a job interview from one of the local optometrists.  They tracked me down without any effort from me, they found me and approached me.  No offer yet but it was a good first interview.  It's nice to be wanted and it makes me feel that the last 5 years at Hero haven't been for nothing, people have noticed.