sick

  Sick today,  sent home from work early.  My first sick day in years.  It's actually a charming interlude to being heartbroken.  I have that to look forward to when I get better.  Catching up on some sleep and staying warm.
  I feel broken with Andrea.  She had told me so many times she just doesn't love me and I am so tired I just can't fight anymore.  She told me she doesn't miss it, meaning the affection and touching and sex.  I on the other hand am dying without it, I need someone to hold my hand and smile at me.  Even second best would keep me going I guess.

Of birds and stars and the sunrise.

  It was a bad day at work, not just because it was slow and that gave me too much time to think.  Mostly because it was what I was thinking of.  My mother in law was coming to buy glasses with my wife tonight.  I love seeing them but knew I probably couldn't handle it at work.  It was all I could do to not break down.  I knew I was leaving at 5 and thought they might not be there until after I left and I was counting the seconds until I could run out the door and avoid the whole thing. 
  I couldn't.  It was just my mother and her friend and I could handle that,  I was able to keep my nerves in check enough that when I was talking and handing them frames and stuff I was somewhat solid.  I didn't shake that much and I could focus and not shake noticeably in front of them and keep conversation.
  When my wife showed up though I went all to hell.  I couldn't look at her and hoped she didn't ask me how she looked in something because I knew I'd break down and say "you look so beautiful" and start crying.  I tried to keep my shaky side away from people or keep my hand in my pocket or behind my back.  And when I stuttered I tried to look like I was thinking.  I don't think I hid much from them because as soon as they had paid they left cause they knew I was right on the edge.  And as soon as they left I grabbed my coat and shot out as fast as I could.
  I only made it to the service hallway before I lost it and it was a long walk to my car trying to keep it together.  Starting my car was a challenge as was driving home.  Got home and took a chill pill right away.  It stops me from shaking and convulsing but it doesn't make me feel any better, just makes it easier to hide how I do feel.
  The comic convention tomorrow, the kids are excited.  I will be meeting some of my friends down there and also maybe my brother in law.  I have a little anxiety about that to be honest.  I don't know how to answer the "how are you?" question.  Avoid it as best I can probably.  People don't want to hear, "I'm a mess,  I can hardly stand.  Sometimes I shake so bad I fall out of my chair and drool on the floor.  Every night I prey I have a heart attack and never wake up.  Sometimes I think how peaceful it would be to pull a trigger and rest forever.  The stars don't shine, the birds don't sing, and the sun rise is grey and dark."
  Somehow people just want to hear "Hanging in there,"  or, "I'm good."  I can do that to people at work, customers and such, but to people I care about I don't want to lie.  avoid avoid avoid.  hope my druggs keep me from looking to bad.

Cats, not a date

  Yeah Cats was okay.  not big on plot really.  When Memories came on I cried.  they sang a version of it a few times.  I tried to keep it down but I know that my breathing was whimpering the last one.  My wife was wiping her eyes after the show too, I'm not sure if it was because of the emotion of the music or if she heard me and was sad that I was sad.  Maybe she felt the same way about our past memories.  Either way I think the emotion was a good experience for us to share, even though it was not a date, we were together and in deep feeling, that's got to be a good thing.

lucky I can still talk

  Well at least we are going to see the show still.  only a couple of hours left until the show starts.  We have agreed it is not a date just going as friends.  Not stood up anyway.  And she is seeing my counselor, though I think it's only to tell her to tell me to get a grip.  I think she was a little put off by my shakes.  While we were talking the other night they got really bad, it was hard to drive home.  I took it slow, didn't get pulled over which is good, I think that a cop would have sent me to the hospital straight away.
  It's not been good today either,  maybe I'm just nervous about going out.  Usually just confined to my right arm and if I concentrate I could make it stop, It's now more my body that shakes and it is very difficult to make stop.  I had an episode earlier, I was at the computer.  Not really over thinking anything but it came on strong, started in my legs and worked it's way up.  I was slouched over the desk cause I couldn't sit even,  then my face clenched up and I couldn't even cry my mouth was so tense.  I drooled a lot, lucky I didn't bite my tongue off I think.  Couldn't stop, couldn't hardly do anything but try not to fall out of my chair.  It passed before I blacked out,  not sure how I feel about that.  I guess it's good that I didn't have a heart attack, but I can't say I really fought hard to avoid it.
  I did buy a new tv and that has kept my mind off things a bit.  Though I am worried about making it through cats.  I watched Tron this morning and at the end when he said, "I have something to show you"  I actually said to myself, "the sunrise"  out loud and then started crying.  Not just emotional I get that at movies sometimes but I actually full out cried.  I hope it doesn't happen at the show.  Also I haven't listened to music at all since cause it's too emotional so I am going to get pounded today.  I guess I wasn't thinking.  I shall do my best to hold up.  Keep it together.  KIT is my new catch phrase.

touch and go

  I didn't think I was going to make it through this day.  All I wanted to do was lay in bed and cry.  Pretty much all I did do too.  I'm pretty sure I'll make it through the night now, and reasonably certain I can get through another day of work.
  I was so excited about taking my wife out on a date to Cats this weekend, now I'm not even sure she will go with me, I feel like I'm getting stood up.

That's new

  I seem to have developed a bit of a twitch.  More of a tremble really, sometimes my arm will just start shaking and I can't stop it.  Or my fingers sometimes just my hand.  If I focus on it I can get it to stop, if I breath deep I can get it to stop.  I will usually stutter if I try and talk while it's happening, though I usually only do it when I'm alone and thinking and not when I'm in a position to talk to anyone.  I used to stutter a bit when I was younger and nervous, not for a long time though. 
  I have felt like I am on the brink of a heart attack for a while now but this shaking thing makes it seem closer.  I'm not sure having a heart attack would be the worst thing for me right now, I suppose that's a bad way of thinking but if I was dead it would be a lot easier for me.  My wife wouldn't have to be a divorce she'd be a widow, my kids wouldn't be split between two half families they'd be a whole part of one.  That's not such a bad thing.  My wife want's to be left alone, she'd get that too.  I guess she'd only have to admit to being my wife once more and that's claiming all my stuff as my next of kin.  A heart attack right about now would be the easy way out for every one.
  Some days I have so much hope.  Some days I'm shot down in flames and can hardly get through a day of work without making it to may car to cry.

Long time

  A lot has happened since I last posted, long story short she was in a moment of weakness and maybe shouldn't have said it.  Though things have I think gotten better between us because of it.  We are going shopping together on Friday to get her a new dress for Cats the following weekend.  I think it's going well, slow but well.  She has gotten more comfortable with hugging me and looking at me so that's a good thing. 
  Easter was hard for me, I missed family dinner with her family.  Seeing pictures posted on facebook from my wife's brother were hard to see.  It just accented what I was missing.  Not being a part of this family has made me realize how much I am going to loose if things aren't repaired. 
  She mentioned that I need to buy some new clothes too because I have lost a lot of weight and she thought I was getting unhealthy.  So I said two things.  One, that we need to go to vegas for a holiday, maybe when the kids are away this summer with her parents.  She said that is something we need to talk about later, I said "that's not a no"  but left it at that because I think it is too premature to talk about but that I think she deserves for me to take her on a holiday that's not a business trip.
  Second thing I said is that I'm thinner and lighter but not unhealthy.  I sent her a couple of pics of me flexing without my shirt on.  I looked good.  I guess I was hoping to show her how sexy I am and hoped that sparked something, also to show her I am not unhealthy just the opposite in fact.
  My friend Chester invited me to go with him to a comic convention at the end of the month.  I said it would be great for me to go and take the kids.  Looking into it I actually got excited to go.  The first thing I have been really excited to do on my own since my wife left.  So I am busy every weekend now.
  Also, I got a job interview from one of the local optometrists.  They tracked me down without any effort from me, they found me and approached me.  No offer yet but it was a good first interview.  It's nice to be wanted and it makes me feel that the last 5 years at Hero haven't been for nothing, people have noticed.

the best 4 words ever

I heard back from my wife yesterday morning, later in the morning when she knew I'd be up but before the kids would be up.  She texted me that she was looking forward to our "date"  yeah she thought so too.  Also she was looking forward to reconnecting with me, yeah.  She asked me to call her, she didn't want to wake anyone up at this house.  We talked a lot, she said she was ready for me to be her husband again.  The best thing I had heard in a long time.  She said she was ready to try to find our love again.  I said I love you, she said, "I love you too."  The new best thing I've heard in months.  I was so excited.
  Got the kids off to school and shortly after she called me again.  She was working from home cause she hadn't slept all night (probably thinking and reading my old messages) and she needed some stuff printed.  So I printed it for her and took it with a starbucks over to her place.  We didn't chat long I mostly just gave her the stuff and she looked really emotional and wanted to be alone and get her work done so I left her to it.
  She called me again later that night, she was dropping her car off to get something fixed and needed a ride home.  Of course I said yes, she asked me if I wanted to come inside, of course I said yes.  We talked a lot about things, she has clearly thought about us moving back in together and how that would work.  She doesn't want to move back into this house with my parents and I can understand that.  Just the fact that she has thought about that I find encouraging.  She's worried about how everyone is going to take her coming back after she left me.  I can understand that, I am worried about how her family is going to take me after she left me too.  After so utterly failing in every way how are they going to feel about me being back?  I think it will go well with most people but there's still that nagging in the back of my mind that they will have some amount of pity in their eyes.  I'm not sure how I will adapt to moving into my wife's new place either.  Mostly I think I will be happy moving back in and being a family again, but will I see her place as the place she left me too?  Or will I see it as the place she accepted me into?  I guess I won't know until I am there.  In any case I think it will be short term, her lease is up in a year so we'll be moving along by then I expect. 
  I assured her that I will never hold anything she has done against her, that I have supported her decisions and I believe that she did what she felt was right to secure a life for her and our kids.  I also believe and respect that she sees change and alters her plans and views on what is right accordingly.  Though admittedly I am much more happy with her more recent decisions than her previous ones but the logic behind all of them holds and I have to respect that.  I tried to reassure her that the people in my life that were important would only be happy that things are being worked out and they would accept her 100%.  I will be extremely angry with them if they don't.  Some people I know will hold things against her, because they don't know the whole story and because they are over opinionated where they have no business being that way.  That's fine for them, I'll get over never seeing them again, but the important people will follow our lead.  Though I will have to coach them when the time comes to stay away from certain ways of saying things.  I can see my dad saying, "we are so glad you came to your senses."  That would be bad, my wife doesn't believe she lost her senses, and seeing that some people are interpreting this as a breakdown will be frustrating for her.  "We are glad the way things are turning out."  That's all you need to say about that, don't embellish don't use your own words, just say that and move on to a new topic.
  I got us tickets to Cats, my wife seems excited to go.  I am stoked to go to a musical with her, we always liked the theater.  I emailed her later that I would like to take her shopping for a new dress for the show as well.  Partly because I want to buy her something but also because I like to go shopping with her and watch her try things on and find some nice clothes.  Lot's of guys think that's a chore but I really like it and I know she likes shopping too.  Every day walking into work or walking to get some lunch or something I see so many clothes and dresses and all I can think is how pretty they would look on my wife.  I have wanted so bad to see her in them all and to get them all for her.  I think this will be a good chance to do all that and to connect with her doing something we both like as well.  I can't wait I want to do it right now, but we have time before the show it's like 4 weeks away.
  One step at a time,  I am excited about our first date, it's not everyone that gets to meet their soul mate twice.  Get's to have a first date twice with the perfect woman, get's to fall in love all over again with the woman of his dreams.  I get my once in a lifetime love twice.  I can't wait until tomorrow night.

good news

  Best 3am call ever.  Couldn't sleep tonight, that's nothing new I'm usually up exercising in the middle of the night, especially when I didn't work.  Earlier today I asked my wife to go to dinner on Saturday, again nothing new.  I am being persistent though I don't think pestering, I bring it up every couple of weeks that I would like to take her to dinner or drinks.  Last time we went out it was "Yes we need to talk" or "There are some things we need to discuss."  So, I am up at 3 and watching tv and working out and I hear my phone receive a text.  at 3 I am confused but I immediately think of my wife because after I texted her asking her to dinner I didn't hear back.  Also because every time the phone rings I am hoping it is her.  She said, "That would be nice."  It would be nice to have dinner with me.  Best news I have had in a long time.  So I texted her back, she was having trouble sleeping and saw she had a message.
  She often has trouble sleeping as do I so I am trying not to read too much into it, but on the other hand I know why I have trouble sleeping and it's because I am thinking of her.  Part of me is thinking that she saw the text earlier and has been thinking about it all night and finally had to get back to me.  In any case I think that her saying yes is a very big step and I shouldn't take it lightly.  I now how hard it has been for her to do this.  For the last 6 month maybe she has been moving away from me.  Building her strength to have that momentum.  Since she left she has been moving harder away from me.  Turning that around is not a light maneuver.
  So we decided that we would go to dinner, great news, and that I would pick her up after I was done work, great news.  Picking up a girl and taking her to dinner is a date.  She could have said, "I'll meet you there,"  just as easily.  She could have said where she thought would be a save neutral place to go.  She didn't say those things she let me pick she is letting me pick her up.  So my equation goes:
Dinner would be nice + You pick +  Pick me up = date.
  I hope she feels the same way I will feel silly showing up with flowers.  I will know as soon as I see her I guess, if she's dressed up or in yoga clothes.  I am hoping for dressed up.  Only three days to find out.  I feel like a part of my life just got given back to me.

getting some understanding

  It's been a busy week and I haven't had much time to write anything.  I think my wife and I have had a lot of constructive talks, well emails and texts really.  We did have breakfast yesterday.  With the kids.  I told her before, "how are you supposed to know if I am stronger and more the man you can fall back in love with if you never see me.  The only time you see me is when we are in a deeply emotional discussion."  I was trying to get her to go out with me, just light talk over drinks or dinner.  I know she isn't ready for that yet but I wanted her to know a good place to start.  So I think that breakfast with the kids was a safe start for her.  Having the kids there we couldn't get into anything too deep.  She knew that I couldn't break down and start begging her to come back.  So that was a nice step, we talked just about stuff.  I mentioned that I wanted to get a new TV so she suggested we go shopping at costco since she had the card and we could see what was available.  I found one but didn't end up getting it because they don't take master card.  It's probably for the best anyway, I more wanted to go just to get out with my wife.  It was like we were a family again, though it took everything I had not to walk up and put my arm around her waist as we walked.
  She still hasn't told me anything about her and I understand why.  She needs to see that she can stand on her own.  I think she felt held down with me and she wants to see what it feels like by herself.  I don't know if she is expecting to feel like everything is easier or if she is waiting to see if she can do it or see if it will be easier if we work together.  I don't know what she expects to find out she is not telling me.  She's not avoiding the questions, she is coming right out and saying that she needs to be closed right now.  I am thinking that she also needs to see me stand on my own.  She needs to see that I am strong enough to stand alone and capable of it so that when we get back together I won't just lean.  I also think that that is why she is staying closed, she doesn't want to give me anything to lean on to get me by until we do get back together and then I am just building a house of cards.  I can understand where she is coming from, maybe not fully, but I can see a point to be made. 
  Sometimes I feel as though she is orchestrating things to groom me into the man she wants me to be.  Though we have never plaid games like that so I don't think that is her plan, or her main plan anyway.  It may turn out that she is toying around with that a bit but I don't believe that she is that devious to plan everything like that.  She is just standing back to see what happens.  I told her I understand that she needs to be closed for things to work but that I need to be an open book.  The only way I can show her how strong I am is for her to look.  I told her I was in a glass house and any time she needed to see what I was doing to just ask, and that a lot of times I will need to tell her because I need her to see.  I need to parade my victories in front of her to show her I can and am doing it.

every little step

  Busy day at work today, that kept my mind from too much thinking.  I called the apartment place and found out they had nothing left in the 129 range.  That was a bummer, but I'm over that and sticking to my original plan.  Maybe when the do the next building.  I saw my wife today when she was dropping off the kids, we talked a bit.  I said "I love you" to her.  In the past it started out just before she moved out as "I Mumble moo to" under her breath.  "Then I got a sad and awkward "I know."  Today she smiled and said "thank you."  I know it's not much but I think a step up.  I'll take what I can get even if it's small, I'm in this for the long game, small steps mean big victories.

Not much further down than here

  Well here is what rock bottom looks like.  I don't know what tipped it off.  I had a couple slow days at work so lot's of time for my brain to churn out worse case scenarios.  I had sent some emails to my wife and heard nothing back.  Just generally feeling down in the dumps and like I was going no where.  So rock bottom looks like me sitting in bed preying to God, "God, I had strength, it has done me no good.  I had drive and direction, it has done me no good.  I gave forgiveness and understanding and they have done me no good.  I have nothing else to offer this world, take me now to your judgement, I am ready."  That moves well into, "God take my life please." 
  Wait that's not quite the bottom, I can cry in front of the kids a little.  "Dad, why are you so sad."  That is a hard thing to hear.  There's still deeper to go.  God and I have had a good agreement, I stay out of his house he stays out of mine.  I will only rarely go into a church out of respect for the people in it and God because I don't have a lot of use for organized religion.  I went to church, I sat in the front pew in front of God.  If he couldn't hear me at home he would be sure to hear me here.  "Please take my  life."  I prayed for hours.  They finally kicked me out of the church because they were closing.  There is still deeper,  I sat in the park behind the church in the cold and prayed more.
  My wife finally came and saved me.  She saved my life, I truly believe that I would not of accepted anyone else coming to take me in out of the cold and I would have sat there all night and froze.  I would have been happy to as well.  I was just waiting until I was dead, no drive to do anything at all.  It felt peaceful to have given up, it was strangely calming to just wait until I froze to death.  I didn't feel afraid or cold, just finished.  Like waiting in a long line up at some government building, just waiting my turn and nothing to do but sit and do nothing. 
  Yeah that's pretty close to the bottom of the barrel for me.
  My wife came to get me, we talked and got a lot of things out in the open.  Every time we talk I am filled with optimism for the next few days.  When we are talking I can see no outcome that doesn't see us back together.  So I stood back up and left my brief stay at the bottom of the abyss and went on.
  The next day was my first paycheck.  A nice big step.  I had hoped that my wife would be there to help celebrate but she wasn't, we haven't spoken since she got me at the park.  So it was kinda a hollow victory for me but deep down I now she was celebrating too, she did "like" my facebook post about it after all so I think she was happy about it in her own way.
  I saw a sign on the road by some construction advertising apartments for presale.  2 bedrooms for well within my price range.  Some down now, reasonable mortgage payments.  When we are ready to move back together we can get a house and rent the apartment out and make some money off it.  It has been so appealing and I have been so excited about it.  I haven't been the least bit excited about anything since my wife told me she was leaving, but this is very encouraging.  It's something I can do, it's another big step.  I think I need it to happen just so I can stay in a forward moving trajectory.  Especially after my visit to rock bottom I need a big step like this.  I need it badly I think.  Even just having it as a possibility is lifting my heart.  I have to make it happen.  Though I realize if it isn't a good investment or it is beyond my means then I won't do it I will keep looking, but if it is anything like what is in my mind I am going to chase after it hard, because it's all I have to chase after.  My first dream, a two bedroom apartment.  It's all I have.

I love you Andrea

  Andrea my love, my wife, my other self, marrying you was the only good decision I ever made.  There are so many things I want to tell you today but I feel that there is nothing I say that you listen to.  We used to talk and hear each other and make decisions that were best for both of us but now it seems the more I talk the less you hear. 
  I know you have said that you have spent the last two years trying to make our relationship work but you are wrong.  It takes two to make love work and you were working alone.  The way that I see it you spent the last two years preparing yourself to leave instead of helping us to stay.  When did you ever say to me, "We should see a counselor"  or "I am at my end you need to change now"  or even "Help me"???  I hear you say "I have to figure things out."  I know that I could have been more proactive but in my way I was doing my best to help us out.
  I know that you think you are doing your best to be the best person you can be and the best mother you can be.  You are wrong as well.  The best person we can be is together and the best parents we can be is together.  You are not giving that a chance and you are throwing our family away so that you can take the easy way out.
  No doubt that you have heard so many people tell you "I just want you to be happy," people who don't really want to get involved and stay neutral will tell you this.  "If it's just not there then it's best you move on"  That is a lie also,  If it's not there we can find where it is together.  The people in your life who are telling you to just be happy are only telling you what you want to hear, not what you need to hear.  Nobody wants to get their hands dirty so nobody wants to ask you the hard questions because they are consoling you.  What they should be saying is did you try everything?  did you ask him to see counseling with you,  did you ask him for help.
  If you answered honestly you would say no, and as soon ask I knew your dire feelings I offered to do these things right away.  The first step in trying to fix a relationship is to seek help together as a couple.  You went by this and just gave up.  Perhaps because you felt that I wouldn't respond to it, perhaps because you just wanted to leave and never look back.
  You have talked about the best interests of our children and our family.  The best interests of our family is to stay as a family, you won't even try.  One day you will have to tell Parker and Paige that our family wasn't even worth trying for.  That staying together wasn't something you even wanted to attempt.
  Your love is not something that I can live without, without half my soul, without the best part of me.  I can never be happy without you in my life.  The thought of getting over you and living happily without you is even worse.  I am down to my last threads and I need you to make me whole again.  I hope that you can see some truth in my words and see hope for us in the future.  I hope that you see it before it is too late, I am so close to falling and I will never get up.  Please help me Andrea.
  I love you.

nothing left to do but hope

  Cried while brushing my teeth again this morning, it's a good thing I have had practice because I was short on time before work.  I ran out after the kids went to school and left my ring at my wifes house.  I have asked her many times if she sees any truth in the things I have said, if she sees any chance for a future for us.  She told me in very plain words, as parents we will always be a big part of each others lives, romantically no.  I don't see how else I should take that.  She is plainly not willing to let us work on things.
  I think she has herself convinced that it is best for me that I deserve better.  She has herself convinced that she has given everything a good chance over the last two years.  I told her that it takes two to make love work and she was only trying to fix it with one, the chances that she thought she was giving things was just her ignoring the real problems.  I still have hope and faith that she will see our love for what it is, she will see how much we had and how much she is giving up.  She will see that the love she gave me is just what I want and everything I want.  I also gave her a note labeled for my wife.  I know she won't read it now but one day soon she may, it is the link for this blog.  I hope it is still up e=when she comes to read it. 
  We both sent a few emails and stuff, I listed myself as single on facebook, only because alone wasn't an option, nor was fractured.  She did as well and then posted a note to me about how she will always see me as her friend and that we both knew this decision was a long time coming.  Almost immediately people were commenting and messaging me about it.  I left a message to her that that will never happen.  I could never be just her friend, that a platonic relationship will not happen because every time I look at her I look at her with the desire of a husband.  I can give her 100% of myself I want to give her 100% of myself.  All my love and affection is hers all she has to do is accept it, not even ask for it.  I can't give her 50%.  I can't hold back my feelings and pretend I don't love her and give her a good friend she can talk to and plan with, I am not capable of that.
  After seeing my posts she messaged me that she was taking it down, that our personal lives were ours and shouldn't be out in the open like that.  I agree somewhat, but I also wanted to get my point out there, that the people she is talking to are only seeing what she tells them.  The love isn't there anymore, but I wanted to voice even just a little that it was there still.  Maybe it was a bit too real for her. 
  I hope that she can see how much we loved each other, I almost hope that she sees how lonely it is without someone.  I really hope it is sooner rather than later.  But there is nothing else I can do or say,  actually I don't think she has listened to anything I have said at all.  I think she has her blinders on that she is focused on this is the best no and ifs or buts.  I hope it's sooner rather than later,  before it's too late.
  I called my counselor back, and said I'd like to book another appointment.   I don't know what to do next.  I can't not wait for her, but it kills me that I can't move forward and help her.  Maybe after this step things will move faster, who knows.  Maybe she is at home right now opening her eyes to some real feelings and some other point of views.  I can only hope, and that's all I can do.

peace cures back ache

  What a long couple of days.  Worked all by myself till closing last night.  2 hrs of sitting and thinking.  I told my boss what my situation is.  She is my superior and my colleague and I felt she needed to know.  I didn't elaborate a lot but just the basics.  I told her I didn't need special treatment or any kind of sympathy, but that all I do is work and think and it was in both our best interests to keep me working and thinking about work.  If I'm not thinking about work then I'm thinking about life and I don't really want them to have to scoop me off the floor in the back.  I didn't tell her that last part of course, but I wanted her to realize I need more to keep me occupied than just selling and if I'm not occupied then I will be looking for something else to occupy my mind.  I think I'll be getting more and more responsibility anyway, I am starting to show my colours there and I think they like what they see.
  Still, it was a long two hours by myself on a slow night.  Then a day off today.  The kids off to school I ran around and got some groceries.  Just walking as slow as I can through the isles, taking my time, don't want to move too fast I might loose concentration.  Then things picked up.  I met my wife at the lawyers to sign some papers to sign over our mortgage to my parents.  So we got to talk a little, and I got to see her, she is so beautiful.  Her skin looks so pretty I just want to touch her and smell her and feel her body against mine so bad.  She had some time before going back to work so we went to starbucks.  It was nice to have one less thing hanging over our heads, no more mortgage payments.  It frees up a lot of mind cells so we can relax a little bit more.
  We chatted about things, how my job was going how she was doing at work, chit chat, like we used to before.  I did ask her if she had been thinking about what we talked about Sunday and if she could see any truth in it.  The part about her being happy because she is alone or if it's because we were settling things.  She said she was enjoying her time alone, she has never lived alone, neither have I really.  She said she was happy more often than not but that she didn't know if it was because she was alone or because we were settling things and confronting problems and solving them, this house thing one more on the pile, a big one.  I said at least she was able to see a different angle.  When she first moved out it was get away don't look back, I'll never be happy with him, just be by myself is all I want.  That was her attitude and she's opening up.
  We quickly changed the subject to keeping the house clean and stuff.  We both agreed that we were able to keep the house tidier, I said because we have half the stuff in both our places we used to have.  Also I added because I wasn't at work all the time I had time to clean up.  If I don't go to work until 1, I can get laundry done clean the bathrooms and have a nap before I shower and go.  It is so much easier now to help on that front than before.  We talked a little about houses, I noticed that she is using the words we and us a lot more now.  When she first moved out it was all I, me, my, and you and yours.  Now sometimes when we are talking about plans and things she will say we or us.  I think it signifies she is thinking  more and more about us and us being together long term and us getting through this.
  It is so encouraging.  Our last two talks have given me so much peace.  Since this started I can hardly see straight.  I have been having so many vision issues, some times I can see clear others it's blurry.  My back has been in constant pain.  Since Sunday, it's all cleared up.  I am eating more too, I am more hungry anyway,  I don't enjoy anything I eat so I have been shoveling down a lot of tuna which is probably good for me.  I haven't craved fast food at all, again good for me, but I just don't thing that I enjoy the taste of anything right now.  Actually I had a half a beer that tasted pretty good on Sunday, some apple pie that was very satisfying and a root beer that tasted pretty good.  Otherwise it's all like eating cat food so why not just put in the nutrients and do it as cheaply as possible.

the buzz on the street

  Well I think a productive day for me.  Did really well at work, got all my sales up, got the store sales up, got all of my teams sales up.  All in all not bad.  Earlier I was thinking I just wanted to call my wife and say I miss you I want to hold you.  But as the day went on I got a text from her and I think it is going to go a long way in showing her how successful Hero was in it's own right.
  She was concerned that she had talked to someone at a branch and they said that people were coming in and talking about her and me and how she left me and they weren't flattering about her.  She wanted to know what everyone was saying about her.  Of course I said I didn't do anything and that nobody I knew would do anything like that.  Cause it's true, if I found out my brother was slandering the situation I would slap him silly.  Besides he knows better, and the things she was hearing aren't true anyway and we all know it.
  The more I thought about it the more I reflected on talking to other people.  I talked to my colleague who works for the wal mart  vision center and I just said that yeah I had to close I'm at Lenscrafters now.  He seemed very sympathetic, and all the best for me and my family, too sympathetic really.  I didn't think much about it at the time, but that and he said that he had heard it from customers coming in and what had happened and other people in the other stores talking about it.  Well in light of the gossip around I can kinda put a few things together and see that there is a lot of buzz about Hero closing down.
  I did tell my landlord what was happening, my wife left me, I am living with my parents, I have no money, had to shut down the business.  Though they extrapolate and tell the maintenance guy because he's the one who has to clean up the place.  Carl is a great guy but he likes to gab and if a customer came by when he was there and asked him what was going on he would tell them.  And maybe make it more of a sob story than it has to be because he's thinking my old customers having some sympathy might be a good thing for me.  In any case they talk to the other people at other optical stores and before long everyone is talking about it. 
  I goes to show how much of a public figure I was there, how much of a community figure, and community business I was.  How important a service I was giving to people, and it shows how successful Hero was.  If I can get Andrea to see it that way it may change her views on what I was doing over the past 5 years and how I could honestly say that things were going well.
  Another encouraging thing, maybe I'm reading way too much into it.  My mom was cleaning out some closets today and took out a bunch of old coats.  My wife went through them before we were going to take them out to good will.  She grabbed one because she said it might be good for camping.  She never liked camping really, and I can't see her doing it without me.  So maybe she's thinking we might be going camping, even in some remote way.  I hope that us talking is making as big an impact on her as it is on me.

Peace of Mind

  It was a long stressful day that ended up really well.  Well the last two days was pretty stressful.  Saturday started out with my wife and I texting back and forth.  It was a lot of good feelings and it had a lot of good potential.  I asked her out on a date.  No strings attached, just two people getting to know each other.  She was taking it the wrong way I think, like "let's get back together" and even if she took it the right way I don't think she is ready for that yet.  anyway, we had to cut the conversation short because we both had work to go to and she had a dinner with her mom, her moms birthday.  I was very unhappy with the way we left things, it was just to open and so many things left misunderstood.
   Of course I brooded over it all day at work, all night, most of this morning.  She texted me back and said that there were a lot of things said and she had hoped we could say them face to face.  Not a date, but the two of us, in public talking about things.  I was excited, because that is something I've wanted for a long time.  after a lot of pauses and breaks we decided a bar close to both of our places would be good.  We met alone and on no fixed time schedule. 
  We talked about a lot of things, she opened up about how she felt, we analyzed a bit about what we both felt over the past years.  One thing that she brought up was, "what do we even have in common?"  She has felt that we have grown so far apart that we don't even have anything that bonds us together anymore, she couldn't see us doing anything that we both like to do together other than talking about the kids and work.  I think she looked surprised when I started saying things that we both enjoyed doing together, because she hadn't been able to see them and now bringing them up she realized we did enjoy it.  Or she knew she enjoyed it but didn't realize that I did too.  In any case she looked a little surprised that I could answer her question and that she could see the truth in my answers.  If I would have said something like camping and geocaching, it would have been easy for her to say, "I did those because you liked them, I never did."  And I think that is what she was expecting me to say.  I said, house renovations and looking at show homes.  We enjoyed so much redoing our houses and building our houses and looking at houses and hardware stores.  I brought up watching TV and rubbing her feet and back.  I think she thought I did that just because she asked me to, but it was something I enjoyed and have missed, and talking through the adds about people and things and work and kids.  I brought up our cake decorating class we did, which she was surprised as hell when I said I would take it with her.
  We talked about so many things that it would be imposable to remember them off the top of my head and would be far to much to charter in one sitting anyway.  I talked a lot about giving us a try.  She is in a spot where she doesn't know if she ever loved me or felt passion towards me.  I said I knew it was there, if we need more passion in our relationship we can find that, if you cant see our love let's foster a situation where it can grow.  I think I have convinced her to a point where she can at least see that if we start off just as two people having a date getting to know each other, we can try to see if we are compatible.  I am confident that if she gives it a try we will find that out.  I suggested we start at "Hi my name is Michael I want to get to know you better can I buy you dinner."  Maybe not all at once but after three or four dates we can see how we connect and how much we do have between us.  I suggested a dinner and maybe looking at show homes and one step at a time, like a new relationship.  I don't think she is ready now, but I do at least know she understands what my plan is for a next step is and can think about it and be open to the idea. 
  She did bring up, and I am really encouraged by this, that if we do get back together it won't be in this house with my parents where we lived before.  It would be in the place that she is renting.  I told her that that was something that has been discussed between me and my parents and brother as well.  I find it encouraging because she brought it up totally on her own, I don't feel I led into it or brought up the topic.  So it has been something that she has thought about on her own and that is a possibility in her mind.  That is an encouraging thought.
  We brought up a lot of things like dating and what if we don't get back together and she mentioned that in a year if she wanted to she could file the divorce papers and it was done, and a lot of things that was hard to hear.  All in all I thought we had a very constructive talk and a lot of good discussion that was taken well on both sides.  I have more peace of mind tonight than I have in a long long time.  I hope that my wife has as well, I hope that she feels as good about our discussion as I do tonight.  I know that she will be thinking about everything that I have said, and I know that I will be thinking about what she has said.  I'm glad that she opened up about a lot of things and I feel that she has finally stopped shutting me out and let me behind the curtain so to speak.  I thin that tonight was the first step in making forward movement, I hope that that movement is toward each other, but forward it is just the same.

the hardest parts

  Well one week of work down and things are going good.  my sales are reflecting how good I am at my job.  I have committed to getting a great service pin by the end of the March and I know I can do it.  Also informally I want my whole team to have one but by the end of the month is a strong goal.  This job should be no problem as long as I keep up my motivation and do it.  The hardest part about the job is that it is right across from La Via Rosa lingerie store.  Every time I look out the front of the store I see something that I think Andrea would look great in.  My wife used to buy stuff like that and show it off to me not so long ago.  Seeing it only reminds me how lonely I am and how much I miss her.  Even walking down the mall and seeing dresses in the windows I just want to buy some for her and see how beautiful she is.
  I am feeling stronger mentally and physically.  I am standing up for myself more, and I asked my wife out on a date.  No strings attached, no expectations, just two people having dinner getting to know each other.  she said she didn't think it was a good idea.  I said a lot of things to her of which she never has responded.  A lot of it was what is a such a bad idea about this.  She seems so bent on forcing herself to not love me that she's afraid if we spend time together she'll find out she still does.  I don't know what would be so bad about that but apparently it frightens her.  It's not something I am prepared to give up on and in my new strength I can't sit back and not act on my feelings.  I love her and I am prepared to go after her.
  I have been thinking that I am strong enough to let all my friends know and post it on facebook.  Let everyone in on what is going on and how I am feeling.  a couple of weeks ago I would never have even considered doing anything like that. I'm not sure if it will prove to her that I am becoming strong or if she will resent me exposing things.  I'm not sure who she is telling and if she's not telling people is it because she's respecting my boundaries.  Maybe getting it out there will open thing up for us.  Maybe she'll hate me because I let it out before she was ready.  I suppose this is the whole can of worms she opened to begin with so she must be ready.
  In debating this and many other things I have to remember one saying that I have applied to many things especially lately.  "The road to failure is paved with the bricks of good intentions."  All the best intentions in the world will only lead you to fail if you don't act on them.  It's all great to think about what would be good, what would be right, what we should do.  If we don't act on them at some point it will only pave our way to the bottom of the pile.

Alone and Lonley

  Work is going well at least.  I think I'll make some headway there as long as I have the time to prove myself.  I am clicking with my coworkers and my manager,  I think she is impressed with the way I interact with customers.
  It all only shows me how lonley I am though.  I can hold on just long enough to get home and then I loose it.  Not having my family here is so hard.  I need some intimate contact.  My daughter gives me hugs all the time and tells me she loves me.  I almost cry every time I am so touched by her love.  but it's not the same as holding my wife in my arms.  I'm not talking about sex, just intimate contact, rubbing her feet, snuggling in front of the tv, holding her hand at night,  feeling her hand on my shoulder.  Even just seeing her looking at me.  I need it so bad.  I'm almost ready to crack apart, every day I get a little worse and without something I think I'm going to have a major break down.
 

Empty victory

  First day of work and it went well.  I think I impressed them,.  I helped fix a machine that the guy there had been working on for a couple weeks.  I got all the indoctrination and propaganda finished.  Talked to my superior and brought up some ideas and they were well accepted.  Now I'm just ready to get at them.  Get to work time.  Prove I can do all the things I told them I could.  I believe I can, as long as I can keep my motivation high and jump in there and get going.
  Still it seems like a hollow victory.  Coming home to an empty house, no family here at all.  This is no way for me to live.  I need my family here with me, my wife, my kids.  not a different wife or different kids.  Not someone elses family, mine.  The family I built and loved, I need it, or going to work is just a distraction from all the things I don't have.  It's just something to keep my mind off of the fact that there is noting else to do.  If I had my family I could excel at this job because I love it and because I'm good at it and because I'm strong.  Without them I may still excel but it'll be because I have nothing else to do and I don't want to go home I want to stay at work because it's all I have.  I need my wife.  Andrea I need you to fill my life with love and meaning again.

out of the ashes

  I start my new job tomorrow.  in some ways I'm nervous, in others I'm anxious.  I read today that a good leader has to have a balance between intelligence and courage.  A courageous leader will run into battle without thinking it through while an intelligent leader will plan but never follow through.  It's the latter I'm afraid of being.  I know I am smart enough to do this job, I have the background I have a lot of ideas,  I need to have the courage to follow through with them.  Give me the strength to be bold and put myself out there.
  In all honesty I don't know if I could have done this a month ago.  I think I would have been timid and just wanted to keep a low profile.  Now that everything has happened, I have nothing else to loose.  There is very little Ego left to get bruised if I go out on a limb and fail.  I already have proven to everyone I know that I'm a failure, in life and in business.  It's not going to hurt me any more to show a few more people.  All I have left is to gain.  If I go out on a limb I can't fall any further I can only end up higher than I am right now.  I have always had confidence in my knowledge and ability but was often apprehensive about showing it,  now there's nothing holding me back.  I suppose I have my wife to thank for that.  This ordeal has caused me to face every one of my weaknesses and to lean on every one of my strengths.  Just like exercising by leaning on my strengths they can only get stronger.
  The sad thing about it is that my wife may never see how strong I am getting.  She may never open her eyes long enough to see me rising out of the ashes.  She may not care enough to look, and only remember the old bird building it's nest.  I hope that she will take the time to see the flaming phoenix rise out of the smoldering nest, flaming a brilliant, flying to it's zenith.  I hope she can see and join me in rising again.

Rise the mighty phoenix

  I got a new job today.  A fresh start is on it's way.  It's still a management position but not my dream job, though I think I'll be in that role sooner rather than later.  I have been in many situations where I sold a customer a bill of goods and then sat back after they left and said to myself, "I better come through on this"  when I promise the moon I better come back with something.  I can see they have hope for my potential and I have them convinced that I can do it, I better come through. It's a good thing I only know how to give 100% on everything and don't stop trying, any less and it will be the end of my career as soon as it starts.
  I hope that this gives my wife renewed hope in us, that is shows her that I can do it.  That she holds on long enough to re discover us.  I need her so badly.  I hope that she can get over this hump and see what we had and start working back to us.
  I also feel I need to say that I have been a little hard on Gwen, my wifes friend.  I don't think she is my enemy or anything.  We never really connected but I don't seriously thing she is out to get me.  She's being a good friend to my wife and holding her hand through this.  I have no idea really what Gwen is telling my wife and I feel that I've speculated a little harshly toward her.

  Anyway, onward and upward,  I feel a bit lie a Phoenix rising out of my own ashes today, I hope that I can keep up my momentum and continue moving forward.

She smiled at me

  I had my interview today, and it went well, they want me to start early next week.  I will hear tomorrow how much they want to pay me and then I can decide if I want to accept the job, but it's looking like I will.  I also talked to my wife about my next step of moving out and getting a condo or something.  I think she was excited, she was all over it.  She wouldn't commit to saying I should get something that she would like and she's still thinking about me on my own with the kids, but she understood when I said I would like to have it a place that you would feel comfortable coming into when that time comes.
  We had a celebration dinner after my interview, just my wife and the kids and I.  It is always nice when we can sit and talk.  She talked about her job like we used to and about things going on and the kids, it was nice not to feel we have to go deep every time we see each other.  She was feeling sick all day and so she didn't eat but she made the effort to come and sit with us as we ate, I appreciate that gesture.
  I think that all the things that are coming together are making a difference.  Usually when she leaves and I say, "I love you," she looks away and says, "I know you do."  Tonight she walked away from the table and I said , "I love you."  She was looking at me and smiled.  It was just for a second but the most beautiful woman in the world smiled at me, and it felt good.

more than one step at a time.

  The last couple of days went well I think, I've felt better and stronger than I have in a long time.  It was a good interview yesterday.  I felt very positive about it, I think I had a really good connection with the guy I talked with.  It seems like the lady doing most of my interviewing is happy and excited to see me which is a good sign.  I think that she is apprehensive to shoot me into a major role though,  I get the feeling like she thinks I can do it, she's getting a good vibe, but all her training says don't throw your weight behind an untested new employee.
  Had a Great talk with my wife too.  Not as good as I was hoping but not nearly as bad as I was fearing.  I was hoping that she would have seen hope in what I was accomplishing and she would have her rings on and she would take my hands and say, "I'm willing to try,"  maybe even, "I love you."  I am ready to move on to the next step with her but I know she's not ready yet.  She had a lot to say about how empty she felt and how she doesn't know how much is left to grow.  She said a couple of times she should have left me a year ago when she had more to rebuild our relationship on again.  If she had of left sooner when she still fostered feelings of any kind then seeing how serious I am would have rekindled that, and now she doesn't know if there is anything left.  Though just that admission shows me there is something.
  She also said that she would love to look at me and see love again, she would like to come home and sit on the couch and talk about our days.  She knows it would be best to raise our children together in the same house.  I know that she is not ready to commit to loving me, or to say she will try and love me or give me a chance to earn her love.  Hearing her say she liked what we had and she would like that again gave me the hope I needed.
  She also said a lot of things about how could I not see how bad she was.  How could nobody see even though we were living together how unhappy she was.  She told me she was on anti depressants for a while.  I really was shocked, at first I had no recollection of her being on any medication.  After thinking about it I do remember that she was on some, and I do remember her downplaying it to something about just keeping her even.  Just to handle work.  We never discussed it, she didn't talk about it.  How could I not see how unhappy she was?  I could say, how could she not tell me?  I suppose she did, at least in the best way that she knew how.  The only real answer I have is that I was unhappy too, and stressed and worried.  The only way I had to deal with that was to focus on what was good in my life.  To look at all the smiles rather than the tears,  to count the laughs and not the cries.  I guess that I blocked out so much of anything that stressed me and focused so hard on the things that made me happy that I couldn't see just how unhappy things had gotten.
  I told my wife that us not communicating and saying everything we were feeling was what got us to this point, I told her that I would not make that same mistake.  Everything I feel I will tell her, my heart is an open book and hold nothing back.
  I felt good about the talk and felt that I could make my dinner appointment with my buddies.  I know I have been dreading talking to them at all and not knowing how things would go.  I was considering canceling but after a constructive talk with Andrea I felt I could take on Mike and Chester.  It was a good dinner, we chatted about football and TV and movies and poetics.  We talked a little about me shutting down Hero, and what I| was going to do.  I didn't mention that my wife had moved out.  The closest thing I said was that running Hero was taxing on us personally.  I have had the feeling for a while that they know, my brother told them or they heard somewhere, but they didn't mention anything like that either.  It was a good dinner, and good to get my mind off of things too in a way.
  The kids and I were re staining an old tv cabinet we keep their computer in.  It's a bit out of shape and beat up so we thought we'd make it look a little nicer.  I posted pictures on facebook and wrote a nice story that was a great metaphor for my wife and I and us rebuilding.  It had a lot to do with taking an old piece and in staining it you can start to see the grain and beauty of the wood and how all the dents and scratches and rough patches that made it look worn out before added to the character and beauty of the piece.  I cried as I wrote it, I hope that my wife sees the metaphor and relates to it.
  After helping me I promised the kids we would go out to lunch and I invited my wife to meet us.  She said yes and I was so happy.  We met at Mcdonalds and so I knew we couldn't talk about anything too deep which was good because that's not what we needed today.  What we needed was to just be ourselves.  I needed her to see me as the strong man she needs to fall in love with and not the crying mess I have been for the last month.  Our talk yesterday gave me the strength to do that today at lunch.  We all talked, we all ate, and it was a good casual lunch with the whole family.
  As I got back in the car to go back home I got a call from Joanne at lenscrafters,  she all but offered me a job, not the big dream job I had been interviewing for but a lessor job still of importance that would get my feet wet in the company and "teach me the ropes" as she put it though I think it's more to confirm my competence before they throw me into a big role.
  What a great couple of days, and I found myself interacting with Parker and Paige more like I used to.  It occurred to me that the past month I had been parenting and now I was a father again.  It felt good to be that man again and I know it was seen by my wife at lunch and I know that I will continue to gain strength and that will remind her of the love she had for me. 
  I have another interview tomorrow and I think it will be the last one before I clinch a great career path for myself.  Thinking today about my plans and trying to figure out where I should be, and counting all the chickens before they are hatched I kind of have my next couple of steps planned out.  Get a job, almost done that already.  Get my own place, move out from my mom and dad, buy a small place.  I can't move ahead in any way living here I need to be on my own.  It's my hope that my wife sees me getting a mortgage and making it independently that she will see the man she wants.  That's the steps I need to take.

the end of life as I know it, or the beginning of it as I want it.

  I was a hard Monday.  Without closing my business to deal with all I had left to pay attention to was not having Andrea with me.  It was all I could do to keep it together when the kids were around.  I had an issue to fix on my car and it kept me busy for a while running around trying to find a part.  Driving while crying is hard, I almost had to pull over a couple of times.  Made it home, fixed the car before it started snowing.  nothing left to do but think of my wife, how she wasn't coming home, how I couldn't talk to her tonight.  It felt like I was going backwards. 
  I did have some good news later in the afternoon.  Got a call from a perspective job offer, they wanted a phone interview.  I talked to her this morning, things went well, I have a second interview with her later this week  Almost right after I hung up the phone I got a call back from the other interview I had been on for a second interview, I am going to tomorrow.  Thing were looking up, I may have a paycheck sooner rather than later.
  I talked to my wife a little on facebook, telling her how I feel.  I was going to be content to just keep it casual but she brought up something and I had to express myself.  She said something about making great progress and the way I had been feeling I had to tell her it was all round in circles until we moved forward.  She said she agreed and what has she got to loose by talking to someone.  I thought we would leave it there, I was happy that we had talked and opened up somewhat.
  she emailed me a bit later asking for some money now that I had sold some assets and she needed help with the monthly budget this month.  It was after all my debt and bills too.  The hardest thing I ever had to say was no.  Not no exactly but hurry up and make up your mind what you want.  If you want to be my wife and you want to work things out together let's do that, if you want to break away from me do that, you can't have the best of both.
  Joanne (the therapist) talked to me a bit this morning.  She wanted me to start getting prepared for if she never comes back.  I think she's worried I will go to rock bottom if I'm not prepared.  She is probably right, even if I am prepared, I can't take that.  She said that my wife should be aware that I can only wait so long before I say enough, you're moved out finish it off, you've had enough time to figure things out if you're not by now you never will be.  I guess Andreas message tipped me off a bit.
  I said I had some money to help depending on who is asking.  She thought I meant she was being told by someone to ask for money from me.  I clarified and said, if my wife is asking I will do everything I can, if my ex wife is asking, she needs to take care of herself.  I think everything I said to her had a "lie in the bed you made for yourself sort of tone" and I had to re clarify things.  I told her that I was done asking and done begging for her to show me some good faith.  I wasn't asking for her to move back in or to decide right now one way or the other,  all I was asking for was a sign.  three things I asked her for, Offer me her hand to hold, (the past month she would take my hand hardly if I offered it, if I tried to hold her hand she would pull away, I feel it would be a big step for her to hold mine.)  Tell me she will try for us, (just knowing that she is on board with giving us a chance to be back together is a very big deal for me).  Lastly tell me she has called for help,  calling to talk to Joanne, not will call, not next week, not maybe tomorrow, called or calling right now while I'm with you.
  I don't think it is too much to ask, I think it is baby steps.  I wanted her to come over tonight after the kids were in bed.  She said that being valentines day it would be too emotionally charged.  Valentines day has never been emotionally charging for either of us, she suggested when she picks the kids up tomorrow after school.  the kids will be here, I'm not sure that will be a good idea.  I said maybe in the morning on her way to work.  She still hasn't gotten back to me.  I think she's stalling for time to think about it.  I understand that,  it's a lot of things to think about all in one night.  maybe she want's to make the call herself and have that ready for me.  Worse though, maybe she's going to tell me it's all over and she wants to put it off as long as she can.  I guess I'll find out soon my life is in her hands.
  In any case tomorrow will be an interesting day, job interview, potential life ending or boosting conversation. 

We?

  Well I thought I was out and never had to go back but my dad wanted to go over and see what he wanted that I left behind.  So back to Hero I went and I knew what it would be.  Dad picking through every screw in the wall trying to salvage whatever he thinks he might maybe use someday.  It was painful to hear him, "you don't want this, it's still good, you will need this right."  I sat around there for 4 weeks almost thinking about what I wanted and what I thought I needed.  Nothing there fits that bill.  I know it's just going to be another pile of junk we'll be tripping over for the next ten years before somebody finally throws it out.  I just wanted out of there and he just wanted to salvage every pen laying around.
  Tried to keep myself busy with fixing a problem with my car, didn't get it quite fixed so I guess I still have something to do tomorrow.  Drove around trying to put together a valentines present for my wife.  I know that we've never done anything for valentines, my opinion is that it is a makeshift holiday to spur retail movement for flowers and chocolates.  But now it seems that I need to start doing things different.  If we are going to change and grow I and We need to break out of our old habits and try to do things in a different way.  So this was just the first thing.  I hope I get a chance to show more.
  I dropped it off at my wifes' house, I had the kids show me which one it was.  They brought it up to the door for me and left it on the step.  I didn't want to get out of the car and go up even that far.  I don't want to see the house, I don't want to look in the window, I just needed to get her this gift.  I got her something I knew she would like, wine, a candle and a book.  A nice night in to relax just for her.  I wrote on a card for her, it was hard to find a card that was mostly blank so I could write my own words to her.  I guess most people just want to buy a card to pretend they made up feelings, I wanted something that was my feelings, I needed to write that myself, not some guy in an office writhing sappy cards.
  My wife dropped some stuff off for the kids later and I saw her.  I was so happy to see her and I just wanted to put my arms around her and hold her.  It was hard not to start crying, I had to leave a couple of times.  We shared a few words at the door as she left.  She was worried that now that I knew where she lived that I would stop by in the middle of the night and try to see her.  I said I wouldn't, this whole exercise is because she needs her space and I don't want to break in on that.  I couldn't verbalize it then but I did text her right after to say I respected her privacy and wouldn't ever go to her house except for an emergency.
  She also said that we couldn't do things together, that it was too hard and that we need to figure things out first.  I thought it was interesting she used the word we.  I have pondered it for a long time today and at first I was thinking when did WE ever get a say in this.  You left, You dictated when and how.  You never gave We a chance for anything.  There was no ultimatum, there was no, "we need to see a therapist" there was no, "shut it down or I'm leaving, you have 2 weeks to have a plan."  At no point has there been anything WE have decided on at all, it has all been You making the decisions,   My wife has been holding all the cards and I'm just waiting to see what scraps I get dealt.
  Though the more I think about it her using We is a sign that she is ready to open up and start talking again.  She hasn't talked a lot, at all, about her feelings and sooner or later that has got to be a conversation WE have.  I would love it if she started just getting those feelings out herself with the counselor that I have.  I know she hasn't even called yet.  2 weeks and she doesn't have time is a big excuse for I don't care.  Even a lot of the little things she talks to me like, how she says things, it's like in her mind it's already over.  I didn't even get a chance to make things better, not even a chance to try to work things out.  She cut and ran before I could even see there was a problem.  That makes me the saddest of anything, that she just gave up and wasn't willing to let me try for her.
  How do I get her back when she's not willing to even let me try?

stop trying so hard

  Dropped off my assets, got paid today.  That was nice.  It all went really smoothly actually, got things set up, made it all in one trip.  Saw a second sun on the way up with my brother, I hope it's a good sign.  I had a really bad omen a few months back.  A bird flew into my window at work and died right in front of my door.  I don't normally take much stock in omens but that must have been a bad sign.  though a second sun must be good because you hardly see the sun reflected like that.
  I went up with my Greg, my brother, and he helped me unload the stuff I had sold.  He bought a car up there so he was going anyway but left on his own before I was finished.  As a result I got two hours in the truck to think all by myself.  My wife had told me one time that she had good days and bad days.
  It got me to thinking that if she was having bad days it was because she loved me.  She was pushing through the bad days to see what happens, trying to see if things get better.  Though that line of thinking takes me to a thought that she is fighting through those bad days where it is hard to be away from me as if she is fighting being in love with me.  She is trying hard to not be in love with me.  All she has to do is admit that she loves me, even to her self.  What is so wrong with that.  I love her, she loves me, we can start there and make steps forward together.
  I just want to tell her to stop trying so hard to convince herself that she doesn't love me and start believing her heart that she does.  How do I tell her that.  maybe I will write her a lengthy text to get that off my chest.  I don't want to seem like I'm pressuring her but often I really need to say these things.  I know my counselor would tell me to lay off, give her the space, but it is so hard not to fight for her.  They say that if you really love someone let them go, if they come back then they are really truly yours.  I thin it's a load of crap that quitters tell themselves so they don't have to fight for someone.  It's what you do when you don't know yourself that you are in love, letting them go is what you do when you are relieved that it wasn't you that had to break things off and you don't want to admit to anyone that you are really relieved they are gone.  Letting my wife go is not an option, I am ready to stand up and fight for her love, to express my love to her.

The end of an era

  Today was lock up day for my business.  What a long last couple of days it has been.  So much stress trying to get all the jobs done for patients before I closed.  I was waiting for some lenses for the last couple of days so I could get these jobs done,  they ended up never coming in.  Here I was waiting to move out any lab equipment that \I would need to get those done and they never did show up.  Though the job I was waiting for wasn't paid for not even a deposit so I'm not too upset with not finishing it.  I didn't leave any customers with nothing, I didn't want to steal from anyone. 
  A couple days ago I had a patient say to me, "You are open every night till 8? and on Saturday too?  I'm surprised you're still married."  I was dumbfounded, I didn't know what to say, I'm glad she was saying it on her way out cause she couldn't see me with my jaw open stammering for words.  And she didn't expect a response which was good cause I didn't know whether to play it like a joke or if I was going to say, "I'm not she just left me my life is falling apart."  Though that wasn't the hardest conversation I had to have, telling some customers that \I couldn't do your glasses anymore because I couldn't have them done before I closed was hard.  And lying to some about why stuff was moving out, that was hard too. 
  All this while trying to plan what was moving out when and which bits get packed up first and what can I take tonight.  So much anxiety over what if the landlord finds out and locks me out.  What about creditors who is going to know.  All done now.
  I was trying to talk to my son about it being closed,  he said it was sad in a way that it was closed.  I tried to talk a little bit to him about the measure of success and how it can be measured in more ways than just money.  It was too hard for me I almost started crying so I stopped and we just watched TV and he built some lego before bed.
  In a lot of ways it's hard for me to walk away from Hero.  It was my identity for 5 years, I dumped everything I had into it.  Maybe that's why my wife felt she had to leave, Hero was a tough mistress to compete against.  Shutting it down has been very tough, and now when I most need my wife to hold and talk about it, she's not here.  That is the hardest part.  All the moving, all the lifting and banging, leaving behind something I worked hard on, people I worked hard to keep happy.  It's all easy compared to watching TV by myself, sleeping in an empty bed, no one to talk to about what I feel.
  Still, with Hero being closed, I'm now open to start the positive moves forward.  With most of the negative behind me, tomorrow I deliver some of t assets I sold, get some money.  That's a big step forward.  Instead of back stepping and trying not to stumble down the hill I'll be pushing forward sure footed.  I'm hoping it will start a trend.  Tomorrow I'll sell some assets, next week a new job, the week after maybe I can hold my wife again.  Ending all the negative movement so I can start trudging forward into a positive new light.
  the one thing in the near future that I'm not looking forward to is dinner with my buddies on Wednesday.  We have arranged drinks and dinner, I have no idea what to say.  Yes I've shut down Hero, bummer.  I'm not sure I really want to tell them my wife moved out.  That's not true, I am sure I don't want to tell them,  I'm not sure if I will.  We'll see what Wednesday brings, maybe a positive spin by then.

She is starting to see

  Wow so much to get off my chest today.  Closing down the shop is going, I've started moving stuff out, did the first major part today.  It was some of the equipment that I have sold.  Getting that organized so I can get a nice nest egg set up has been a nice interlude to worrying about what I'm going to do with everything.  Planning what jobs have to be done before which equipment gets moved out.  Trying to schedule when everything is going to get done, packing up what I can, trying not to make it look like I'm moving out.  I worry all day that the landlord is going to walk in and go what the hell is this?
  It's a lot to take in and in my mind I'm thinking it will all be over Friday, but I know that it won't end there.  They will track me down and give me hassle I know it.  Though because I'm not setting up somewhere else, I'm just shutting down outright, they won't have any place to chase after me with.  And it's a limited company so there's no personal recourse.  But they'll try anyway I'm thinking.  I don't think that they will just let it go, they may though.  Especially if I end up talking to the maintenance guy at some point which is entirely possible,  and the neighbors.  They are my daughters orthodontist and she has an appointment in a couple weeks so they'll ask no doubt.  If it gets back that my wife left me, I had no money, my life fell apart, I'm just trying to avoid bankruptcy, they may just let it go.  There's nothing to go after this guy for.  I guess time will tell.
  Something that has been sitting heavy on my heart lately is who my wife talked to before she decided to leave.  The week before she was out with her friend, the same one that helped her move out, and her mother.  she told me those are the two people that she talked to about it before she told me.  And looking back it's obvious when she did.  My big issue is, if a good friend comes to you and says, "I'm leaving my husband"  a good friend would say, "have you tried to work things out?"  Looking out for a good friends best interests wouldn't that be to advise her to ask me to see a counselor first, that in her best interest staying with her husband and maintaining a family is the best thing.  "Have you tried everything?"  Wouldn't that be what they should say?
  With her friend I don't doubt that she just said, I'm here for you we'll help you move out.  Quite frankly I don't think that she will be too unhappy to see me gone and I'm sure she's thinking of people she can set my wife up with that will be more suitable than me too.  Her mother is the part that worries me most.  She was my mother too for a long time.  I understand that her parents want to take an impartial stand on things, for the kids sake.  That's what she told me at least, they are not taking sides, just here for both of us if we need anything.  It is waying heavy on me what she told my wife when she was told.  It's been something that is very hard for me to think about.  I think that the reason she didn't tell her father before it happened was that he would have said, "Work it out, you haven't tried everything yet,"  and that wasn't what she wanted to here.  So she avoided it maybe.  Of course there is no way to tell short of asking them but this is a touchy subject and there's no way I can ask right now.  Maybe in 10 years whatever way things go I can bring that up then but I can't start pointing fingers at people saying you should have said this, you should have counseled her to work things out.  It's one of those things that my mind goes to sometimes and there is no solution to figuring it out.  I have to take it on faith and trust that she does love me, and she is looking out for every ones best interests the best she can.  Obviously she couldn't make my wife do anything differently if my wife didn't want to do it.  It's very possible that she did ask those questions, my wife was in a place where she felt there were no other options so even if she did I don't think that she would have listened, and the best thing to do is just give support, I realize that too.  But it doesn't mean that when I lie awake at night I don't think about the worst things.  The worst things are already happening to me why not think of how much worse it could be.  I don't hold any resentment for her even if she did, but it hurts to think of the way things went down.
  On the plus side, the big Plus side.  After picking up the kids my wife came by to see me at work.  I think that she was impressed to see things getting boxed up and moving out.  Friday is the lock up day and I think she has some level of relief that it will be over.  She was looking for new glasses, seeing as I'm closing and everything is being shipped out anyway.  She's not imposing or anything I offered as much as she asked anyway, maybe more.  She walked past me and touched me, she ran her hand over my shoulder and down my arm to my elbow.  the kind of way that you would when you are walking past someone you know and just want to let them know you are there and moving behind them, don't step back kind.  My heart nearly stopped at her touch.  In that moment everything else went away and it felt so good that she touched me.  she hasn't touched me in weeks.  She's let me touch her on occasion,  but this was her hand on me, moving down my arm.  It was the best ever.
  We had a good talk while I was making her glasses.  I talked about how I felt like usual, she mostly talked about work and logistics.  She did ask about a text I had sent a day or so ago.  I think this was a big step for us.  She acknowledged my messages, she was seeking clarification and she was talking about her feelings.  what a great moment.  I had told her that it wasn't because she left me that I was making changes, it was because I could now see how much the way things were was hurting her and that made me want to change.  She is worried that I am selling my business for her and that I will end up resenting her for it.  Saying years down the line that if she hadn't left me and told me to sell or we are through it would have made it, it was so close.  She is worried that I am doing things for her that I don't believe they are the right decisions.   I told her that it was my decision to close down, not that she was telling me to, I said that it was because I could see what it was doing to her and my family that I was deciding to make that change to make things better and stop the pain for her and my family life.  That the company wasn't worth breaking up everything for it.
  I also told her that closing the company was the easy part, that arranging financing was easy, that finding a new job and a new direction was easy.  What is hard is not being able to come home and tell her how exciting it was that I sold some assents or how great my interview was.  That is the hardest thing I have ever done.  It was very emotional for both of us I think, I know I was nearly crying and could hardly get the words out.  She looked a little red in the eyes.  I held out my hands to see if she would let me hold her hands.  That is when the best thing to happen to me in weeks happened.  She hugged me.  Truth be told I hugged her harder than she did me, but she hugged back, it wasn't like she was just letting me hug her.  I told her how much I loved her and missed her.  I was so happy to be holding her I cried.  It was like a dream.  I pulled back to look at her and told her she looked beautiful,  which she did.  she asked how her new glasses looked and I reached up to give them a little adjustment and her hands staid on my waist.  We hugged again.  It was so good, she felt so good in my arms.  It was like the heavens opened and shone a light right on us.  The earth shook, the lights flashed.  It was the best thing ever, my heart filled up. 
  the kids were there so when we stopped she went into the bathroom for a tissue and to compose herself a little, I thin she felt everything I did.  Her and the kids had to get going and they left, but my heart has been filled up so much.  the little bit of love she was capable of showing today blew my mind and I think I will be on a high for a long time because of it.  I hope that it is the little snowball that rolls down the mountain to start an avalanche.  She does love me, and she's starting to see it again.

Need this new job so much

  Good headway in finding a new job today, had a great interview for a really good job.  A dream job really.  More than I had hoped for.  Moving on to a second round of interviews later this week I think.  I was hoping to find something that paid my bills and I may have happened on something that will be a great career job and set me up with a good salary.  If it comes through. 
  all I can think about is I wish I could talk about it with my wife.  I wish she was here to be excited with me.  We used to sit on the couch, I'd rub her feet and we would talk about how our day went and the things we were excited about.  I need that so much right now.  I should really be bouncing off the walls with excitement over this opportunity but I just can't get excited without her to tell.  All I can think of is I need this job to impress her and get her back.  Something big like this will go a long way to win her back, so she can see the go getter in me that she fell in love with.  That I can have a power position that she can respect.
  A lot of times I think that she saw me in my own business, failing,  and lost respect for me.  She had a job with responsibility and people under her, and she was making power decisions.  I think that made her feel like the alpha in the relationship and she needed a peer.  I hope that this will show her that I can be an equal with her, that we will have that in common again.  Not just that I had it and lost it.  For that reason I really need this job.  It is my best case scenario to win her back,  to show her I am still that man. 
  The place they want me to manage is under performing.  If I can bring that up and show her that I can handle myself, show her that I can be someone she is proud of, a man that she will be excited to introduce me to her colleges.  If only I could do that, I think that she would be able to realize her feelings for me again.  I want that so bad. 
  the money would be nice too, one less thing to worry about.  It would help me get clear of debt faster, it would help us live our life together easier.  It would allow us to experience things as a family again, like vacations and big Christmas again.  The money would be nice, but she would be so proud of me for doing something that she could stand up for and say, "my husband does this"  I don't think she has done that for a long time.

Keep on working

  Crying less often doesn't mean more happy.  I think I'm over the sobbing and crying part, but that just leaves my mind open to think more, and that's not a good thing.  I may not be crying but the level of anxiety that I have is so high I could have a heart attack at any moment.  I can't stop thinking about the what if's and could happen scenarios that I wouldn't say I'm any less devastated then when  I was on the floor crying.  Just a little mor functional. 
  I happen to be a person who works well under pressure so when my anxiety is high I can still get a job done.  So, cleaning up my shop and getting ready to move out, organizing my finances, having a job interview tomorrow,  I think I can handle myself through that.  It's when it is all over I have trouble.  I'm used to finishing the job and the stress going away.  In the past the stress was from the task at hand and once I got things cleared up the anxiety and pressure cleared up.  Not so now.  I finish a task and the anxiety is till there, got to find a new task, get that done.  Still so much pressure.  When it's time to unwind and go to sleep, I can't get rid of it. 
  I'm planning on closing my shop on Thursday or Friday,  getting everything done is a big job,  I can handle that.  Saturday I'm delivering some assets I was able to clear out.  Sunday, no task.  Nothing to do but sit around and stress out.  I may be able to find some things to do around the house, clean up something or other, I have to fix a break on my car, but that will only last me a day and I'll be a shivering mess.  I hope I can get a job and get something to occupy my time and keep my mind off of things.  If I have to sit around this empty house for too long I'll go mad.
  I've had so much anxiety thinking about what life would be like not married to my wife.  What things would feel like, how things would happen.  It's a feeling that looms over every thing I think about.  I can't live that way, I can't think of any way I can have a relationship with my wife where she wasn't my wife.  No other outcome is acceptable, I can't do it.

Bad days and good times

It seems that my worst days are followed by some of my best days.  Saturday at work was awful.  Standing around waiting for my wife to call,  not that she was supposed to, but still wanting it to happen.  I did make a lot of headway with selling some assets, someone came in from out of town to see things which was good.  I found out today she wants to buy and for a fair price.  But Saturday night was terrible for me.
  For some reason I couldn't get out of my mind the thought that she could be out with another guy.  Maybe she took the kids to her parents and went on a date.  Maybe part of her finding herself is sleeping around.  What if she's out to dinner with some guy she just met.  It was in my head all night, I couldn't sleep.  When I did sleep I dreamed of it.  then I'd wake up and couldn't get it out of my head and couldn't get back to sleep.  It makes me sick to think about it.  I know that if we don't get another chance to be together that will be hard enough to deal with but I'll also have to deal with her dating again and being with another man.  It makes me want to throw up to think about it so I try my best not to. 
  Saturday night and Sunday morning were so bad, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep.  Saturday night I ended up going into my work to get some things done that I was going to do Monday.  Now I don't have to do that, and it was the only thing I could do.  It didn't help clear my head though. 
  Passed out some resumes today and things look encouraging.  Honestly, I have a stellar resume for my field, I'm good at my job and my history shows it.  I'll probably end up with a good job by the end of next week, if not this week.  I have a really good friend who is passing around my resume to people he knows and telling them how good I am.  He's selling me hard and it will be largely because of him that I get hooked up with a good job.
  Got the offer for my equipment which was a load off my mind.  A nice little nest egg hanging around for when we want to buy a house or something will be very good.  And to top off the up swing in good turns, my daughter invited me to go swimming with them, and my wife offered to go with.  I was going to hand out more resumes but I dropped that and jumped at the chance to a family outing.
  My wife and I talked some, as much as you can talk about these things at a pool.  I told her that a lot of the reason we are in this situation is that neither of us talked or listened to each other.  I said that I didn't want to make the same mistake and that I was opening up to her about my feelings and all she wanted to talk about was logistics and work and "small talk".  she said that she agreed that we didn't communicate before but she wasn't ready to open up, but that me talking and her listening was a start.
  I asked her why she wasn't wearing my rings, she said that because she walked out that she didn't feel she was being an active member in the marriage that she would feel hypocritical to wear it.  I said that by putting them back on she was taking an active role.  I said it would make me happy if she did, when she was ready.  I told here there were so many things that I wanted to tell her, she said we are here lets talk.  But there's only so much I want to talk about at a public pool.  It's still very emotional for me so I'd have to stop a lot and change the subject.  Bottom line what I wanted to get to her today was I'm not expecting that Friday I close down, Monday I have a job, Tuesday she's moving back in.  But I was expecting that we could take the next few months and get reacquainted and let our love be reforged  and grow again, or grow into something new.  that I deserved a chance to make things better, that we deserved a chance to become better.
  She has an idea that she's never loved me in the same way that I love her, and that I deserve to be loved as much as I love.  That is a lot of what she's trying to figure out.  I know that it isn't true, I know she loved me.  I  know by the way she used to sigh when I'd hug her from behind, and the smile she would have when I would hold her hand and say "I love you."  I know she loved me every bit as much as I loved her.  Even if she couldn't express it the same way, or wasn't as vocal or lustful as I was, I have never doubted her love for me, even now that she does.
  I want so much to tell her everything that I've typed in my blog.  I need her to read it and understand how I feel.  How can I tell her to read it though, I'm worried that she might feel it's contrived just for her, that I only wrote things for her to read and that they are obscured from the truth to what I want her to hear.  I started this blog to organize my feelings and everything in it is how I feel, not how I want it to look like I feel.  There's a big part of me that hopes she will find this and read it on her own without me knowing.  If she asked I would give it to her, no question.  right now I am an open book to her, she could ask me anything.

Best dinner ever

  Had a very positive day today.  Got some things done around the house this morning, talked with the kids over breakfast.  Talked to some people about debt reduction from the fallout of closing the business.  That was a big one, getting things squared away financially is a big load off my mind.  decided that next Friday would be the end and moved out and locked up.  It's a hard position to be trying to sell things to people but can't sell anything that I can't get done right away.  and it's hard to tell people, "I stand behind my product, I'll take care of you, I'll be here when you need anything," when clearly I'm not.  Lying to them like that is so hard to do, but even harder will be confronting the turn down the sale part.  If someone wants something I can't get done before I close I have to turn them away,  I can't take their money and then shut down.  Steeling is a line I just won't cross,  I'm in a bad spot but integrity is something I won't compromise.  talked to some people about selling some assets, looks promising
  I was just starting to think about when I wanted to leave and what I was going to do until then when I got a text from my wife.  "How was your day."  It felt so good to hear her say it.  She's interested in me, she's interested in talking to me, she's reaching out.  I had planned on trying to get together with her next Sunday.  the place would be closed, I might have a job, I would have my financial plan set up.  That would be a good time to sit down together and not say "I'm going to, my plan is"  it would be, "this is what happened, this is how things are, I have done."  But I started texting her about how I've made some big steps and it will reduce both our stress.  she asked a bit then said, "do you want to join us for dinner." 
  Yes yes yes.  I want to have dinner with you, with the kids as a family.  The best news I've had for two weeks.  It was great to sit down and talk to each other about our day, and how things were going,  and how things were shaping up.  Just being together like a family.  I think it was such a big step for her to be able to allow that.  she wasn't ready to hold my hand, even when both kids were at the bathroom, but I respected her boundaries.  I felt so good that we were together, it's the first time I've smiled in weeks. 
  I truly believe that the more time we spend together just talking about stuff and being acquainted, the more our love will be realized and the more it will grow again. the fact that she initiated makes it such a big deal. 
  I feel so happy.
  Though I just realized it is superbowl Sunday this weekend and my friends and I have usually gone to a bar to watch the game.  I am dreading telling anybody anything.  a couple of my close friends know about me shutting down the business but nothing about her moving out.  Going to the game and hanging with them, either meens I tell them or I flat out lie about it.  I don't really like either option for different reasons.  Maybe I can get the kids interested in watching it with me then I'll just stay home and watch it on tv with the kids and a bowl of popcorn.