Well here is what rock bottom looks like. I don't know what tipped it off. I had a couple slow days at work so lot's of time for my brain to churn out worse case scenarios. I had sent some emails to my wife and heard nothing back. Just generally feeling down in the dumps and like I was going no where. So rock bottom looks like me sitting in bed preying to God, "God, I had strength, it has done me no good. I had drive and direction, it has done me no good. I gave forgiveness and understanding and they have done me no good. I have nothing else to offer this world, take me now to your judgement, I am ready." That moves well into, "God take my life please."
Wait that's not quite the bottom, I can cry in front of the kids a little. "Dad, why are you so sad." That is a hard thing to hear. There's still deeper to go. God and I have had a good agreement, I stay out of his house he stays out of mine. I will only rarely go into a church out of respect for the people in it and God because I don't have a lot of use for organized religion. I went to church, I sat in the front pew in front of God. If he couldn't hear me at home he would be sure to hear me here. "Please take my life." I prayed for hours. They finally kicked me out of the church because they were closing. There is still deeper, I sat in the park behind the church in the cold and prayed more.
My wife finally came and saved me. She saved my life, I truly believe that I would not of accepted anyone else coming to take me in out of the cold and I would have sat there all night and froze. I would have been happy to as well. I was just waiting until I was dead, no drive to do anything at all. It felt peaceful to have given up, it was strangely calming to just wait until I froze to death. I didn't feel afraid or cold, just finished. Like waiting in a long line up at some government building, just waiting my turn and nothing to do but sit and do nothing.
Yeah that's pretty close to the bottom of the barrel for me.
My wife came to get me, we talked and got a lot of things out in the open. Every time we talk I am filled with optimism for the next few days. When we are talking I can see no outcome that doesn't see us back together. So I stood back up and left my brief stay at the bottom of the abyss and went on.
The next day was my first paycheck. A nice big step. I had hoped that my wife would be there to help celebrate but she wasn't, we haven't spoken since she got me at the park. So it was kinda a hollow victory for me but deep down I now she was celebrating too, she did "like" my facebook post about it after all so I think she was happy about it in her own way.
I saw a sign on the road by some construction advertising apartments for presale. 2 bedrooms for well within my price range. Some down now, reasonable mortgage payments. When we are ready to move back together we can get a house and rent the apartment out and make some money off it. It has been so appealing and I have been so excited about it. I haven't been the least bit excited about anything since my wife told me she was leaving, but this is very encouraging. It's something I can do, it's another big step. I think I need it to happen just so I can stay in a forward moving trajectory. Especially after my visit to rock bottom I need a big step like this. I need it badly I think. Even just having it as a possibility is lifting my heart. I have to make it happen. Though I realize if it isn't a good investment or it is beyond my means then I won't do it I will keep looking, but if it is anything like what is in my mind I am going to chase after it hard, because it's all I have to chase after. My first dream, a two bedroom apartment. It's all I have.
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