Cried while brushing my teeth again this morning, it's a good thing I have had practice because I was short on time before work. I ran out after the kids went to school and left my ring at my wifes house. I have asked her many times if she sees any truth in the things I have said, if she sees any chance for a future for us. She told me in very plain words, as parents we will always be a big part of each others lives, romantically no. I don't see how else I should take that. She is plainly not willing to let us work on things.
I think she has herself convinced that it is best for me that I deserve better. She has herself convinced that she has given everything a good chance over the last two years. I told her that it takes two to make love work and she was only trying to fix it with one, the chances that she thought she was giving things was just her ignoring the real problems. I still have hope and faith that she will see our love for what it is, she will see how much we had and how much she is giving up. She will see that the love she gave me is just what I want and everything I want. I also gave her a note labeled for my wife. I know she won't read it now but one day soon she may, it is the link for this blog. I hope it is still up e=when she comes to read it.
We both sent a few emails and stuff, I listed myself as single on facebook, only because alone wasn't an option, nor was fractured. She did as well and then posted a note to me about how she will always see me as her friend and that we both knew this decision was a long time coming. Almost immediately people were commenting and messaging me about it. I left a message to her that that will never happen. I could never be just her friend, that a platonic relationship will not happen because every time I look at her I look at her with the desire of a husband. I can give her 100% of myself I want to give her 100% of myself. All my love and affection is hers all she has to do is accept it, not even ask for it. I can't give her 50%. I can't hold back my feelings and pretend I don't love her and give her a good friend she can talk to and plan with, I am not capable of that.
After seeing my posts she messaged me that she was taking it down, that our personal lives were ours and shouldn't be out in the open like that. I agree somewhat, but I also wanted to get my point out there, that the people she is talking to are only seeing what she tells them. The love isn't there anymore, but I wanted to voice even just a little that it was there still. Maybe it was a bit too real for her.
I hope that she can see how much we loved each other, I almost hope that she sees how lonely it is without someone. I really hope it is sooner rather than later. But there is nothing else I can do or say, actually I don't think she has listened to anything I have said at all. I think she has her blinders on that she is focused on this is the best no and ifs or buts. I hope it's sooner rather than later, before it's too late.
I called my counselor back, and said I'd like to book another appointment. I don't know what to do next. I can't not wait for her, but it kills me that I can't move forward and help her. Maybe after this step things will move faster, who knows. Maybe she is at home right now opening her eyes to some real feelings and some other point of views. I can only hope, and that's all I can do.
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