worse than rock bottom

  I had my first counseling session today.  It was first thing in the morning and I thought it was going to give me a positive outlook on the whole day because I was going to start making headway.  The first step.  Though she said that because we were coming in separate that we were like two singles, and I understand that.  So she started telling me that I need to still have plans only for what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to take the kids.  That I should work to make me the best me I could, and that that me was happy.  She was saying that because I was in a grey area, my wife being the one who instigated and who has all the cards just waiting for her to make up her mind, that all I could do was focus on the things I could control.  My job, my career, my free time.  She said keep exercising because it was a good way for me to focus one me.  she said keep writing my blog because it was a good way to get things out.
  she also brought up that hanging in this grey area will be hard and the longer I am here the closer I'll get to snapping.  That's when I finally say, "shit or get off the pot."  She said at that point it will be easier to deal with her gone than stay in limbo waiting for her to make up her mind.  That is a prospect I am afraid to even think about.
  Even all day thinking about what I want to do and how I want to spend time with the kids.   It made for a long hard day.  Since I was 16, so like my who adult life, there has been nothing I wanted to do that didn't involve my wife.  Mexico looks fun, I bet she would love to go, we could sit on the beach and swim in the ocean.  That movie looks good she'd love to go with me.  Even if there was something I did on my own I couldn't wait to come home and tell her about it.  Nothing seems real until I tell her about it or she comes with me.  how can I just start being selfish over night.  Even over a year or two, I can't even imagine planning a vacation that she wasn't coming with, or at least where I could call her or something while I was there.
  It really got me down as the day went by, thinking of things to do to spend my time that didn't in some way involve her.  Even Geocaching, which I started doing so that we could all do it together, trying to get us involved in something as a family that didn't cost anything.  She was never really into it, and often didn't go with us, but I loved coming home and telling her all about where we went and what we found.  I tried to include her so much even though she wasn't with us.  I don't see how anything will be fun again if she's not with me or I can't tell her about it.
  The counselor was worried about me personally that if I put all my eggs in one basket to get her back, if that doesn't happen then I'll hit rock bottom.  From where I'm standing now living happily without her is worse than being miserable with her in my heart.  I don't think I'll ever be able to do that.  I have to put all my eggs in one basket and give it 100% effort, or it won't work.
  She also said that I need to give her space,  she moved out because she needed space and if I don't give it to her I will just push her farther away.  That is so hard, I can't go to bed without telling her I love her.  I want so bad just to sit on the couch, rub her feet and talk like we always have.  How can I just stop, one day we are talking about her work and my work and the kids and camping this summer and then all the sudden it turns off and I can't talk to her at all.  The counselor asked me if I was talking to my friends, if I had someone that I went to to talk to about things when I was having trouble.  That would have been my wife,  if ever I needed clarity I could go to her, if I needed advice or consoling I could go to her.  Now that's gone when I need it the most.

pretty good for a monday

 It's been a long couple of days.  Sitting around waiting for things to happen is going to kill my spirit fast.  Had nothing to do on Saturday so I pealed all the advertisement stickers from my car.  I had it dressed up lie a race car, nobody missed it coming down the street.  I think my Wife was a bit embarrassed to be seen in it.  I guess she didn't like being associated with a business she felt was ruining her life.  Anyway, now it is all gone, I hope she sees it as a big step forward, if she even notices.  It sure is a lot harder to find it in the parking lot now, it's just an old greay car.
  I had hoped to shut t doors on the business this weekend, but was convinced to stretch it for another week anyway, just because some potential buyers wanted to come down and see what I have to liquidate.  It may be my best chance to sell most of this stuff so it's better if I can unload it now.  I did send out my resume to a few people and that's a positive thing.  Haven't heard back yet of course but just sending some out makes me feel like \I|'m working toward something positive.  I have plans to maybe zip out of work early tomorrow and drop off a couple resumes as well.
  I am discouraged a bit by my wife answering all my e-mails like \I am a client, "I have received your message and will act accordingly"  kind of thing.  Though she called me today, and when I said hello, she said "hello baby"  like she used to, she sounded so happy.  If I wasn't sitting with a customer I think I may have started crying I was so happy to hear her say that.  she said that she had called the help line and got a file open with the same counselor that I had.
  I heard from the counselor this morning and was so excited to hear from her.  Again it's one step closer to being together, working on a solution rather than just sitting around.  So I have my first session tomorrow morning, I'm not sure how that is going to work out but I'm hoping that something positive will stem from it.  I was even more excited to hear that my wife had taken the same step forward and soon we will be working together on getting us back to a happy place.
  I couldn't talk much though cause I was with a customer and I said I'd call her after the kids were in bed, but we texted a bit and she said she was tired and had to go to sleep but we'd talk soon.  I figured that whatever she was feeling today was good so I let that go and not stick my foot in my mouth.  things are moving forward and that makes me happy.  I hope the rest of the week goes as good as today.  This was pretty good for a Monday anyway.

opening my eyes to the real solution

  The last couple days were encouraging.  I saw my wife's parents.  the kids were sleeping over there Friday night and she had forgotten her Bear at home so she wanted me to drive it to her.  It was good because I wanted an excuse to go see them and I was at my brothers and getting really depressed.  They were telling me how afte a woman leaves the house she doesn't come back, and that I should look out for me.  Be the best dad you can be, set yourself up to be strong after the fall out.  He was encouraging me to declare bankruptcy and let her take care of herself.  I now in their mind she is gone for good and I know that not to be true.  So it was a good excuse to leave.
  My in-laws were supportive.  though they seem bent on taking a hands off approach to everything.  I can respect that though, I have always maintained personally to take that stance when dealing with divorce.  From someone outside there is no right answer.  I had wanted so bad to tell them to tell andrea how good an idea it would be to not give up and to get counseling and work things out.  I want so bad for them to tell her that, but how can I ask them to say that.  If it's coming from me then it won't be sincere and then by definition bad advice.  Plus I want out relationship to be between us and my wife and my relationship to be between my wife and I.  I told them where I was heading and my plan of action.  I mostly wanted to clear the air about the rumor mill.
  Right now we can't afford to be listening to what one person thinks they saw or thinks might happen that is interpenetrated by someone else and given up as fact.  Friends of my brothers (great people, really good friends of my brothers and have been really good to me and my wife)  saw my wife at the brick about a month ago.  they assumed she was buying something and never tought much of it except that she left really quick when she saw them,  they thought she was snubbing them.  So now in this light they assumed she was buying furniture for her new house and planning things for a long time, and racking up debt that she intends on sticking me with and this all blows into something really big and conniving.  First thing |I did when I left was call my wife and get the story first hand.  I didn't want to ponder it for one min without letting her defend the accusation and I didn't want to let a rumor dictate a single thought in my head.  she knew right away the indecent and told me straight out what really happened, that she was checking prices in case she did move out if she needed a mattress.  I told my in-laws that this ind of thing couldn't get in the mix of emotions, if they heard anything that |I supposedly did or said to call me and get the true story.   We are all running on very sensitive feelings right now and we can't have some one's misinterpretation of something weigh on any of us.
  I've never hugged my father in law before but we hugged when I was saying good buy.  I could feel the love in the hug too and hear he was ready to cry like I was.  I think it is hard for him to see us go through this  and it makes me sad to have him seeing it.
  My wife and I were set to meet after work, we both work until 4ish today and she was coming over to my work so we could have some privacy and lock the doors.  All day I was checking online some facts about bankruptcy protection and couples communicating.  Thinking about what I wanted to say to her.  We talked for a long time and it was very encouraging.  I confirmed with her that bankruptcy was something that was nota great option and that I thought it would be the nail in the coffin  and pile on the dirt on our marriage.  I told her how my plan was shaping up and some of the dates that I figured things would get done at.  I told her that every plan of action that I had was aimed at getting us back together.
  It was very encouraging to hear her talk because while she still wants her space and is not ready to move back toward each other yet she see's when that is.  When before she would say something like "I'm not going to rule out us getting back together"  today she was saying, "when you show me you are taking action we will work on getting back together."  she confirmed that she has not given up on us and that is a very happy thing for me to hear.
  She needs me to stand up and take action and solve problems and not take a hand out.  I need to take the steps to make things happen.  I told her my goal was the 15th to have the doors shut on my business.  That is the day my business license lapses and I  cannot have my doors open past then.  I told her as soon as I secured this loan and knew that the banks were not going to come after me I was starting to hand out resumes.  that should be later this week. 
  These are my goals.  feb 15 locked the doors.  By the end of Feb gainful employment.
  She seemed happy to see me setting dates and making goals.  I truly believe that as soon as this happens we will start working toward together again.  I told her that we would rebuild our relationship and it would be different and better.  That we would be able to communicate better.  That I would pay attention more and that we had so much to look forward to together.  I  told her I was excited that we will get to experience our first date again, and a first kiss again.  and I think that she seemed hopeful that we would work things out.  she was optimistic that I would show her I could be the man she needs that can take care of her and our children.
  the one thing I think she appreciated hearing the most was that I had noticed us being distant for a long time now.  for a long time I was trying different things to connect with her.  Trying new things as a family, trying new things intimately with her, helping more around the house.  I was trying so hard to fix the gap growing between us but I didn't know how.  I told her that I now know what I have to do, I couldn't see before but now I now exactly how to bring us back, and I'm set on doing everything I can.  I said I was sorry I couldn't see the road I needed to take to make her happy, but I'm on it now.  then I asked her for just a little more time to make it happen,  Give me the time to fix us now that I know how.  I believe I have that time,  but I need to take action now, not next week not next month, not now... right now.

don't give up on us

  It was a really long hard day for me today.  My wife dropped off the kids and didn't come in.  My daughter came in and hugged me as I was sitting on the stairs waiting for them.  "Something seems wrong here" she told me indicating the house, "it's just not right."  I said that I agreed and started crying in front of her, I held it back as best as I could but the kids both knew I was sad.  she's such a little sweetheart she told me she was going to buy me some chips from their vending machine at school with her own money just to make me happy.
  I wrote an email to my wife's parents, we had always been close but I haven't seen them since this all went down a week ago.  They have wanted to come and see me but I felt that it would be too hard for me and so I told my wife to tell them it wasn't a good idea.  I thought it would be best to at least open the line of communication with them so I sent an email.  I explained how embarrassed I was to have failed in everything and how hard it would be for me to see them because of my shame because I loved and respected them so much that I didn't want them to see me in such a mess.  She wrote back that they love me and that I didn't ever need to feel that way.  Some of the things she said made me feel like our marriage was already over.  It made me sad to think that in talking to my wife they got that impression.
  I also sent a heartfelt email to my wife.  Everyone tells you to follow your dreams and don't let go.  My wife got a picture for our daughter and it said "Follow your dream wherever it takes you"  I quoted that in my message to her.  I told her that I had a dream and I was reaching for it so hard.  That it would make our life together and our children's life together so great and meaningful.  I told her I couldn't see the present through the future I was so focused on.
  I didn't hear a lot from her today and so I was getting worse and worse.  I told her that I thought that we should see a counselor and get some help.  She said it was a great idea, that I should talk to someone, it's covered under her work plan, but that she wasn't ready yet.  I told her that I wasn't interested in talking to anyone if she wasn't an active part.  I suggested that we see the counselor separately to start but that we both needed to go.  I told her "this is me begging you to go with me"  I pleaded with her to go.
  I did convince her to stop by on her way home to pick up the kids and look for some new glasses I had lenses for her.  We looked around and talked like nothing was happening.  We talked about the house and selling it to my parents.  then we sat and talked about some deeper issues.  Again she used the 'if' and 'maybe' and 'sometime'  I'm not ruling it out.  I told her that it made me feel like she had already considered our marriage over and she was just leading me on with the hope so I didn't totally break down and wind up bankrupt.  I asked her again about counseling.   I told her that while she had been thinking this over for months a year or more and that while she had come to terms with things that it was all very new to me.  I said, that you have a plan and I have a plan but we have no plan together.  A counselor will help us and even if they set us up and say think about this over the next two or three weeks then come back and see me.  or do things like this while you wait until you are ready.  I think she saw the logic in it and maybe because I begged her but she agreed to let me set something up. I asked her if I could hold her hand before she left, she was apprehensive because she thought it might make me too sad.  I held her hand and it felt so good.                  I reached for her left hand and she kinda hid it on me and I knew right away what I'd find, no rings.  I breaks my heart that she's not wearing them already, at all more like.  I begged her not to give up on us.
  She left my work and I still had a few hours left.  Thank god nobody came in while we were talking.  I called the counselors right away after she left, they are finding someone in my area and I will hear back soon they said. I did have a customer in  after a bit and he just wanted to talk and talk.  I've known him for a long time and he just wouldn't stop.  I just wanted him to stop and leave so I could go in the back and cry.  He wouldn't  leave.  Finally when he did I locked up almost right away and left for home.
  In a lot of ways I feel like my wife has already given up and doesn't want to give healing it a chance, but she did agree to talk to someone so that is encouraging and I think I can go to bed tonight on a positive note.  I hope I hear from someone sooner rather than later tomorrow,  I don't know how long I can wait.  I have been working on getting my business plan shutting down, getting things set up around the house, but not being able to talk to my wife and work on us has been killing me.  I hope  we can get started on that right away.

Giving up my home for her

Today was somewhat better for me to start out.  Had a good sleep when I did sleep.  My back didn't hurt so much, had an almost solid bowl movement.  things were on the up and up I guess.  I couldn't sleep last night for a long time knowing my kids were moving to stay at my wife's place the next day.  I wanted to get her something for her house just to show my support in her having her space to work on things. 
  I  was thinking flowers but then how would I get them on time, it was 2am and the kids were sleeping.  Looking around for what I had I found a little shelf that was unpainted so I decided to paint it for her.  It looked aweful when I was done, but I was satisfied that the effort and thought was what was going to count here.  I painted on it a little ankh, it is the key of life. Also I wrote a little note inside explaining that the ankh was a symbol for life and zest for life and joy of life and balance.  I had said that I hope she finds her zest and joy with her new home.  It was hard for me to write that it was her home, I've had a hard time with her making a home without me in it and I hope that she realized how hard it was for me to tell her it was okay that she had a home.  Thinking about it,  the house that she has is more of a home than this place has been left.  she is making a home for herself but has stolen mine.  I don't see how I'll ever have a home again, just a place to exist and sleep.  I hope she realizes that her new home comes with the expense of mine.  I know she hasn't felt at home here with me and that's why she is doing this so I'm willing to sacrifice my home for her right now until she finds her zest again.
  -on a side note while I was writing this right now I noticed my lucky necklace has come around for my wish,  I actually sighed with relief when I realized it.  I made my wish, "Bring Andrea back to me"-
  Work was okay, got some bills paid off.  I now our time share has been an issue of stress for her.  I am supposed to be taking care of the payments and every time one is late they call and call and my wife hears it and gets all stressed out that I can't even pay that.  I texted her that it was done but never got a response.
  I had a real estate agent come over to evaluate the house.  It is someone I know personally but not really well.  I of course had to tell him what was going on, it would be apparent as soon as he got here anyway.  I told him that we were likely going to sell to my parents and that he wouldn't get the listing, he was happy to help anyway..  My wife had tried to get someone over but couldn't find anyone who would, knowing they weren't going to make any money on it.  I was glad that this guy did, it was a good favor.  though it seems that by the time we sell the house, if we had to pay real estate fees we wouldn't be able to pay off what we owe on it.  that's a crappy situation.  good thing my parents wanted to buy it.
  I also asked my wife if she would be willing to see a counselor with me.  "She said not right now" it's not a no but it's also indefinite too.  I think the longer we go without seeing someone, even just for one session until things settle down with the business and her job and scheduling with the kids.  If we don't get some thing right now I feel it never will get done.  I think I'm going to press for the counseling.
  I wrote her an email this morning first thing and had the subject line as personal read when you have time.  I didn't need her reading it right away or when she was at work not on a break or something.  It was really heartfelt writing it and I drew some lines to examples of how when I was the breadwinner in the family that I often felt the same way she did.  I brought up examples of things she did that made me feel as though I was being left out of the equation.  Also one about trust when she had come close to cheating on me and how that was similar to my loose internet chatting experience.  These things are long over and dealt with but I wanted to draw a line showing that things aren't so different, and that I gave her the chance to mend things between us and that I thought that she should at least give us the chance now to make things better.  I think she took it as more confrontational than it really was meant.  she only said that she wasn't going to talk about it because she remembers things a lot different than I had.  I tried to tell her that it's the same now that when she tells me that a year ago she told me she was going to leave if I didn't change, I don't remember it like that at all.  I'm afraid I made things worse with that email and not got her to think about maybe I should be given a better chance than I'm getting.
  There has to be some way of reaching her, but I'm afraid that if I try too much I will push her away before I find the right thing to say.

Don't let me know the truth.

  I still haven't had my wish, but the clasp is making its way around to the side of my neck so I guess I'm getting a bit lucky anyway.  As long as it doesn't make it's way back around I think I'll be okay with being steady at half lucky for a bit.  I woke up with the kids and got them fed and on their way to school.  It seems like as soon as they are out of the car and I can let my facade down I can't stop crying. 
  It's the same at work, as long as someone is there that I need to put on a smile for or as long as I have something to do that I can concentrate on I can get by.  It was a hard day because I had done all the work I needed yesterday and there was nothing left until a shipment of lenses comes in later so for a few hours I had nothing and it was quiet.  If I have to stick this out much longer I don't think I'll make it.  I know where it is I have to go, I know several ways to get there, I know the one I want to take.  It seems like I'm waiting around doing nothing to get there.  Waiting for bank paperwork, waiting for steps to move forward.  this sitting around doing nothing is going to be a killer for me.  I hope that I can get this all done and start rebuilding myself before everything inside of me is gone and I have nothing left to rebuild.
  I know it has been a long time that my wife has not been happy and that she needs to rebuild herself.  In supporting her rebuilding herself it's tearing down me.  As she finds herself I loose myself and I hope that we can build her up to a point that things are getting better soon enough to not loose me in the shuffle.  I'm willing to do what I can but at some point I can see it being too far.  I can make the changes, shut down my dreams, change my work, become a working man instead of an entrepreneur and dreamer.  I can't get over her leaving me, that will forever be on my soul unless she helps me out of it.  I want her so bad to take my hand and give me her love and save my life.  I can hold off drowning in it for a while but I need her to help me out even a little to keep me afloat and finally get out of the water.
  I tried to keep busy at work, but there was nothing to do.  I was so happy when I found something that I forgot I had to do and could keep my mind active for a little bit.  My doctor is great, he is so sportive, he's been through a situation like this and he knows how I feel.  He's not resenting on thing and that's nice to have,  he's really the only friend I've told everything I'm planning other than my brother and parents.  I suppose I should talk to my friends, I have a couple close friends who I go to football games and things with.  I have told them about shutting down the company but not that my wife moved out.  I guess I'm putting it off, hopping that things will pan out before I really have to tell them.  I would rather tell them, "things are rough but we are back together and mending things."  Telling anyone that she has moved out, doesn't know if she ever wants to move back in, can't tell me she loves me is something I don't think I can handle, I don't think I can ever handle it.  I can hardly handle telling it to myself.

no goodluck for me

  It was a hard day today all around.  Up early and tried to keep busy exercise, clean.  I'm finding if I can keep moving and have a short term goal in mind I can not have a total break down.  By short term I mean, put away this cup, take this box to the trash,  One step at a time.  My wife dropped off the kids so I could feed them breakfast while she headed off to work.  She didn't come in, I know she was running late but it broke my heart not to see her. 
  My kids are so great, they are really stepping up to the plate and supporting each other and me.  My son who never used to hug, he's at an age where he might let you hug him, will com over to me and hug me.  We had breakfast together and chatted about their other house.  Took them off to school, it's a short drive so I took them and came home to shower and get ready for work.  I cried the whole way home.
  I went to the bank first thing today, I need to have a personal account so if I have a paycheck I can deposit it and pay bills and things out of it.  I was sitting in their waiting area reading some material while I was waiting for the account manager to come and get me.  They had a section for "we want to help you in any situation" or something like that, and they had listed stuff like retirement and moving and loss of a family member.  One of the things was Marital Change.  I think if I wasn't in a public lobby I'd have had a break down, because that's exactly why |I was there.  the lady helping me open up the account was really sweet and she really did go out of my way to make things as comfortable as possible.  There were a few questions that were simple questions that shouldn't have made me go off the end but they did.  Like she said, would you be planning to apply for a mortgage in the next year.  I was thinking, I hope so with all my heart that we will be together and trying to buy a new home together within a year. There were a few times I had to stop and breath.  The Lady there tried to not notice and just let it pass for me but I can tell she was really hopping I didn't break down.
  Cried in the car the whole way to work though.  Had to keep busy at work,  sending my e-mails, do the floor, clean what I can.  Had customers in all afternoon it was a fairly busy day which was good.  I did have to talk with my co worker though.  the only reason he is even here and not retired is because he wanted to help me.  we have been good friends and he is settling into a nice life here and now I had to tell him that it was all over.  He understood though, he had been through a break up too and knows how hard things are.  I think he has been my best friend over the past year and a half that we have been working together and it was hard to tell him it was all over because he was working hard to help me succeed as well.
  My kids and I go to cubs, I am one of the leaders.  There has been a lot of shake ups with the head leader and he had to leave so they were hoping that I would step up and be the head guy.  I had to send an e-mail to the section heads to tell them.  they are a couple and they pretty much run the scouting program for that group, and they are pretty good friends within the scout program for me.  We have never hung out outside of scouting but we've always said we should more.  They were the first people outside my circle of family and work who I told what was going on.  I felt that they needed to know in order to plan and organize the troop.  We didn't talk about it at the meeting last night though, that was a good thing.  I'm not sure that they read the e-mail I sent them or if they just didn't need to bring it up but I was glad they didn't.
  Stopped by my brothers afterward so his fiancee could help my son with homework.  French homework and she is french so we asked her for help.  It's clear that his kids know what is going on but they didn't want to bring it up or anything so it was mostly small talk.  My new nephew, he's 20, kept offering me a drink.  No thanks I don't drink.  And I could hear him say to my brother that "we should take him to the strippers and get him drunk."  I think that would kill me seriously.  All this small talk is going to but me in an early grave all I want to do is cry alone in the dark.
  Kids off to bed and I started taking down the Christmas tree.  I has been left up too long and I think my wife (when she was home) and myself have been avoiding it for too long.  I had texted her  earlier if she wanted me to do it or if she was planning on coming back to do it.  she seemed a little benevolent.  She'd be there while the kids and I were out for Tuesday wing night as usual and cleaning up some last things and if it wasn't done she'd do it.  I did it last night when the kids went to bed anyway.  Taking some of the ornaments off was very hard for me.  The ones labeled first Christmas and too my honey were ornaments we got each other when we were first married.  I had no idea that this could be our last Christmas.  There were a lot of things on the tree I didn't recognize.  I don't think she bought anything new just for this year and I thought were have I been that I didn't know the things on the tree.  Have I missed that much while I was focusing on the business? 
  It was such a hard day and so many things going on I missed having my wife.  All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and rub her feet and talk about our day and all the little things that were happening and plan our tomorrow.  It just wasn't there and I think that a lot of times I hurt so bad when I am alone that I can't cry.  It's only when I see her and think about her that I am happy enough to cry.
  All of the hard things that happened to me all day and the stupid little thing that made me cry so hard was first thing in the morning.  Combing my hair in the morning I didn't have my shirt on yet.  My daughter gave me one of her necklaces and I have been wearing it.  It has an angle on it and she told me it was for good luck.  and when the clasp comes around to meet the angle you will have good luck and you can I can make a wish.  I have been wearing it for days and hardly notice it.  I saw it in the mirror and the clasp was still at the back.  |I want my wish so bad, I need some good luck right now.  |Not even my lucky necklace is working for me now.  I wish with all my heart to have my wife back and hold her hand and tell her I love her and have her tell me she loves me and we can be together forever.  that is my only wish, everything else I can take it or leave it.  I wish I wish I wish.. 

no two miracles

  Got up with the kids today,  got them showered and we went to breakfast with my parents my brother and two of my nieces.  I am not sure my nieces were privy to what was going on but my brother is, he is trying to support me so much, the way a big brother feels he has to protect his baby brother.  It went okay though, mostly small talk around the table,  I think I handled it well, still can't eat that much though.  It seems my appetite is gone as soon as I start eating.  Maybe that's a good thing though seeing as I can't afford, like, food and stuff. 
  Knowing what was gone from the house I went with the kids and my parents to my work.  I had an extra computer there and a desk to bring home so the kids and I have a computer to use and get on the internet and what not.  I am far more okay with shutting down my company than I thought I had been.  I thought that it would be loosing my identity but I don't feel that way about it.  In fact I think I can view it more as trying to get back my identity.  Everything has gone up in the air so much and in trying to pick up the pieces I don't really see myself as having much of an identity at all right now.  So that's making it easier to shut down the company because I know that when that happens it's one step closer to getting my wife back and becomming a whole again.
  She told me that she didn't know who she was.  That she had to find out who she was.  I think that her and many people in this situation don't look at the flip side of that coin.  It's all about she got married young, went right from parents house to our house, never lived alone, never got to find out who she was.  The flip side is that I don't know who I am either, I got married young too, went right from parents house to our house, never was a bachelor.  Now I am being forced to see that person, I really don't want to know him, I liked the person that who's only identity was half of one married couple.  He was a good man,  I liked being him.  I don't get to choose but now I have to find out who this other guy is,  so far he's a mopy bastard who doesn't want to do anything.  Though I suppose to be fair the half a person is still trying to work his way back in.  I don't want to be anyone else, that's the difference.  I have no identity besides husband and I like that.  Why is it that she needs to be something else?
  My daughter and I were moving some things around in my shop to take what we wanted and I moved a case with a football in it.  It's signed by the local team and I keep it in a plexiglass case to protect it.  she asked me if I could open it to get the ball out, I said sure but why would we want to we don't want to play with that ball.  She said, "so you can keep your prize possession in there."  I didn't really think but I said "I don't think ma ma will fit in there though."  |I don't know if she heard what I said but I had to turn from her so she could see my face as I sobbed a little.  she is such a little princess and she is so sweet to me, she asked me today if I was okay because my face looked sad.  how can I talk to her about that.  I want to say I am sad, I don't want you mother to be moved out I want us to be together.  But then she wouldn't understand and blame her mother for moving out and hurting me.  I just can't show the kids how hurt I really am.
  she was doing her hair in the bathroom this morning.  singing and brushing,  exactly like my wife used to do in the morning.  I used to like watching her, I'd wake up early just to see her do her makup and hair.  She reminds me of her mother so much, I stood outside the door and cried as she sang and groomed.  It is so hard to be away from all the little things that made up my life.
  Trying to put the house back together and make rooms feel whole again.  I moved my exercise stuff into the living room so that I had room to work out, I've always found that very relaxing for my spirit so maybe it will help me out a bit.  Wetting up a new desk and computer, the ones I scooped from my work.  Trying to keep focused on things so I didn't break down with the kids around.
  My wife came by to pick the kids up and show them the new place.  We talked a bit before she left,  I let her know how my plans were going.  I told her I saw a picture she had taken for me where I could see her tattoo and that it was so pretty.  On our honey moon we both got tattoos and they have been like another wedding ring for us.  I told her that it was hard for me swimming and having my shirt off so I could see mine.  It will forever remind me of her and that will never go away.  Right now I am holding on tight to any and every picture I have of her and she looks so beautiful in all of them, I can't stop staring at her.
  She told me that my mother said something to her mother that was taken wrong and might have been said shedding a bad light on my wife.  we agree that that can't happen.  though our reasons differ, "I'm still our kids mother and will always be in their lives and can't be made to look bad or have a rift between grandparents and parents.  Don't speak badly of me."  My position is "she's my wife don't speak badly of her.  Don't say anything that may cause tension when she comes back."  I don't think anything was maliciously said and I know my parents don't have any anger towards her, they are hurt but not angry.  So I had the talk with them, be extra politically correct because every one is extra sensitive right now.
  I am crying and sobbing less today, I don't know if that's a good thing.  Not crying is saying that I'm getting used to the idea of what is going on.  I don't want to be used to it or okay with it, I want to feel sad because I'm not with my wife.  I'm not upset to say that her leaving is devastating to me, I don't want to hide the fact that I am so in love I can't stand being without her.  Maybe it's just because I have had so much to do today and keep my focus on other things and my mind off of the fact that the best thing I could ever hope to happen to me is gone away.
  I have never told anyone this, and outwardly I'm not a spiritual person.  I have an issue with religion and so to avoid heated discussion I stay agnostic.  though my issue is with religion and the organizations and not with god.  Months before I met my wife I would pray to have somebody that I could love and would love me back.  "Please just send me a girl who I can hold on to and be everything with and open up to."  I met my wife and I have often thought that I met her as an answer to my prayer, she was sent to me from god.  She has been my angle for so long and I have always thanked god for letting me meet her and opening our hearts together.  I never asked anything from god again, one big one was enough and I was thankful. 
 A while back I found myself asking god to just make my company successful, if that would happen I would be so happy.  I had to stop myself because I had gotten my one miracle and I didn't want to ask for too much.  But it was on my mind often.  I can't help but think now that in asking for more I've lost what I really wanted.  God if you are listening,  for the record I don't need a second miracle I just want my first one back.  I don't need to have a successful business, I'll find something else to fill that, I just want my angle back to hold her hands and look into her eyes and fall deeply in love with each other.  I just want her back.

empty home full of tears

 I thought that working and knowing my wife was moving out was the hardest part of my day.  After work I passed out some resumes to try to get a job,  that was hard but something I could handle.  Talking to a customer and pretending like I cared was way harder.  Coming home and seeing the tire tracks in the snow from where she was moving out was hard too.  I was glad that the kids were one step ahead of me on my way in tonight for sure.  I was just getting out of the car as they were at the door, they were inside already as I had to stop when I saw the tracks.  I didn't want them to see me break down, I almost did.  I guess that prepared me for what was in the house because I wasn't so bad with there being a mess after her moving out and a lot of furniture gone.
  I could hear the kids running around saying it's so empty and I knew it would be.  What I didn't expect was to see the mess from the movers left behind.  It really gave me insight on how her friends feel about me.  I've moved before and I've had the attitude of "just get things out and let the next guys worry about the mess."  When I saw coffee cups and straw wrappers laying about it made me sad.  I said to my wife the night before, "I am glad it's them helping you move, because no matter how this ends with us, I will never be able to look anyone in the face that helped you move out on me.  With them, I can live with that."  We never really got along, I don't think I was ever really good enough to associate with them.  My collar was too blue for her and I wasn't enough of a 'good old boy' for him and I always felt as though they couldn't be bothered with me.  I guess today helps confirm that.
  First off the mess.  I understand that moving furniture is hard work and nobody really likes doing it, but the let the next guy clean it up attitude really bugs me.  I feel like all they care about is getting the moving done and my wife is the one they liked all along I'm just the guy she's moving out on.  It didn't matter to them that their kids left my kids toys all over the place, broken some of them.  and tie down straps and bolts from the furniture laying about, coffee cups about, straws in the garberator.  Absolutely no care at all that this was still our home, even if it was absent some of our stuff.  There were also some wine glasses left out.  On it's own not a big deal but these were not ours and they were cheep plastic like they were just bought.  This particular friend happens to be "a bottle of wine answers everything."  Girls night... bottle of wine and a movie.  Hot tub... and a bottle of wine.  My wife and I aren't drinkers typically so  I knew right away where it was from.  Bring over a bottle of wine to help relax her which seems okay but it bothers me that she is such a good friend and she is counseling her to move out.  Make it easy on her, step away from the situation, let me help your transition.  A good friend would be counseling to work it out,  the easy way out isn't always better.  So I guess I was right about never wanting to look at them again,  though it's not pride that will make me turn away, it's more like disgust.  Poor woman, needs some wine and make it better, and who cares about me wallowing in the pieces afterward.  My wife has called her her only and best friend, and that may be true, but her and her husband are not friends of mine.
  It hurt but that was able to get over it.  Again the kids were one step ahead of me and were downstairs where the tv room was relatively untouched and finding something to watch while I made dinner.  Heating up the stove, trying to clean up a bit.  A lot of dishes were washed and in the sink, I think because my wife washed everything so she could take what she wanted.  I started putting away stuff, there were less pots and pans in the cupboards and tat I expected.  It still hurt and I was glad the kids were downstairs because I had to stop and sob a bit here and there but I was able to keep composed and keep on going.  One step at a time, just get through dinner.  Make the beds while things are cooking.  Looking at the piles of things not taken and I saw the candle from our wedding.  I picked it up to see just what it was and recognized it right away, started reading, "this day I marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with."  That's the first time I lost it tonight.  I had to move down the hall to our bedroom so the kids couldn't hear me.  It's now on my bed stand, I can see it now and I still mean every word.  Just get through dinner.  Go into our bathroom and clean up myself, then start cleaning up in there, don't pay attention to the empty cabinet where her makup used to be and hair stuff.  Just make dinner for the kids, then it'll be bed time then when they are asleep I can relax my guard.  Finnish putting away the dishes.  There was a wooden spoon left, they go by the stove in a ceramic vase.  I was in front of the stove before I noticed the vase wasn't there.  I was so confused,  I started crying and had no idea what to do.  Again glad the kids were watching tv downstairs.  Compose myself, just get through dinner, just make the kids dinner.
  Dinner was chicken fingers and tater gems.  We ate down stairs in front of the tv My son helped me carry down the food.  "Thanks for dinner, Dad,"  he told me.  I didn't know how to say that I enjoyed making it more than anything because it was the only thing keeping me from falling on the floor and crying till my eyes bled.  I suppose if anything this ordeal  will make me enjoy cooking for the kids a lot more.
  We ate, we watched a stupid show on tv, I left before it was over.  On the top of a book case was a picture frame that opens and you can put more pictures in it.  on the front was a picture of my wife and I when we young, still in high school.  It had been there so long I never paid attention to it.  Not until it was there and the book case was not did I even have an inkling to look inside it.  I walked slowly down the hall to out bedroom holding it, interested to see what was in it, I had never really even looked in it, my wife had put everything in it.  I had been up and down the hall a dozen times this evening, but now pictures must have been on my mind.  I looked up to where our wedding picture had been and all I saw was a blank wall.  At first I thought I should feel sad I can't see it, but instead I felt happy that she was able to see it.  Our family pictures were gone as well and though it makes the walls look bare and makes my home more broken, I felt that it was good that she wanted to look at pictures of us of our family.  Then I doubled back on that idea and was sad that she is making this new refuge of hers a home.  All our pictures around, all our stuff, making this other house a home that I am not part of.
  I decided to sit in the bathroom and look through the pictures that way if the kids came up I could hold them off at the door while I compose myself.  Inside were a lot of old pictures, from when we were dating and from our wedding, pictures of her friends from school.  Clearly it was all stuff that meant something to her, and I came across something that I didn't know survived.
  When we stared dating I was so nervous I could hardly eat, or talk.  It was a couple weeks we had been going out to movies and seeing each other and it was her birthday.  I was going to be out of town so I sent her a bouquet, a teddy bear and chocolates.  I never did see them, it's like that when you order flowers and stuff,  you just hope they send something nice.  I didn't know what to have them put on the card.  It took me a long time to summon the courage to tell someone I didn't know to write "I love you but don't know how to say it"  finally I did that.  I was so scared but on her birthday when I phoned her the first thing she said was "I love you" and I was the happiest I had ever been. The card was in the case with the pictures.  I didn't know she had kept it, I don't know if she knows she still has it, but seeing it and remembering was very hard.  Here was the very first time I had told my dream girl I loved her, what if today was the last time?  That was the first time I had heard her say the sweetest words I could ever hear, what if I never hear them again?  I don't know what else to say about this except that it was very hard to think about and it is now in a frame and is the only thing hanging on any wall in my house right now.  I can see that from my bed too, maybe this is why I can't sleep at 1 in the morning.
  The night wasn't over yet, I got the kids in bed and was placing some things I know my wife will need, Her lunch bag (write a little not for her in her lunch, fold and sign it with a heard and arrow our initials inside).  The remote for her ipod doc.  I found her charm bracelet and thought I should put it with her stuff too but I only got half way there and could stop clutching it and crying.  The kids were in bed but probably not sleeping.  Try to be quiet so they can't hear me.  between my sobbing,while clutching her bracelet to my face I heard the door open and the dog come in.
  My wife was dropping off the dog so he could sleep with my daughter, I guess she called my wife and told her to.  I didn't see her so i walked slowly to the stairs and stopped just as I could see her half way up.  she said she didn't know if I wanted to see her.  I said I always want to see you.  she went to kiss the kids goodnight and came back and I held her so close she felt so good, she held me  it felt so good, she was holding me.  she tells me that she doesn't know if I should see her that it's too hard for me to see her.  All I want to say is that the only thing I want to do all day every day is see you, it's the only time I am happy.  It's late she was just picking up a few things and she's tired gotta get back and back to bed.  I want to say "Go and find your happy face and bring it back to me as soon as you can,  I need you with me and I can't live away from you for much longer."  Go be happy is all I could get out.
  She left and I watched her.  I followed her so I could see her until she was out the door.  I moved over to the window so I could watch her walk down the bath to her car.  I watched her until I couldn't see her any more.  when I couldn't see her any more I was so sad, but I had stopped crying.  I think knowing she's leaving makes me cry when I'm happy and having her left makes me so sad I can't cry.  I want to tell her every time how much I love her.  I love her and I do know how to say it and I will say it as much as I can.  I live only for the time she says it back to me again.

One day left to live

  People often ask the hypothetical question "what would you do if you only had one day left to live?"  I knew when I woke up Friday that it was my last day, the next day my wife was moving out.  I had one day left to still be a husband and family man.  I wanted so bad to spend it with my family and my wife, even if all I could do would be to cry on her and hold her.  But in my last day I chose to come in to my shop and try to find a way to earn another day, maybe two.  In my last day I chose to fight for another day, I guess I just can't give up. 
  All day I was making plans, valuing equipment and stock, trying to analyze my debt.  Come up with a plan to make things better, hold on to the hope that there will be hope.   she asked me in a text what I wanted to do tonight, if she should go to her mothers or if I wanted to crash at my brothers house.   I didn't want  to loose my one day, I said "I want to be at home with you."  Even if she's in a different room,  even if I can only see her down the hall, it was my day.  When she said she had already been packing and there were boxes everywhere I couldn't read any more texts.  My one day was over.  She wasn't moving out, she was moved out.  She wasn't leaving, she had left.  It wasn't ending it is over.  I couldn't even read her messages any more.  I know she was sending them I couldn't pick up my cell and read them.   She called me.  As soon as I herd her voice I broke down,  I had to lock up my store, put up my Out to lunch sign and go in the back.  I couldn't hold it back even a bit.
   She keeps telling me she loves me and it's going to be best and she wants things to be easier on me.  Like "I know it will be hard for you to see the house with my boxes ready to be moved out."  I find it hard to believe that she has my best interests in mind, she has the power to end it all and make me the happiest man in the world  and it would be that fast too.  She has told me that she doesn't know that I love her, but that I love the idea of her.  Apparently that means that I love the idea of having a wife that was my high school sweetheart and the first girl I ever dated.  I won't lie about this, I do love that idea.  I love that when we are together it's pure and good.  We have no history with any one else and there's jealousy between us and i love that.  I love her, and I know it.  I love how she is strong and opinionated, and intelligent and educated.  She is loving and trusting and kind, a great mother, a caring lover. My best friend and my loving wife.  I think I can make my own mind up about that and make that decision for myself.  There is something odd about being in a situation where you have absolutely no impact on what is happening, you make no decisions what so ever and can't sway decisions that are being made for you.  I can't logic my way to change her mind, there's no thinking it out her mind is made up.  No amount of begging and pleading is working either.  she has decided it's best for us, she has decided I don't love her, she is deciding when and where and what is going on and how it's all going to happen.  All i can do is hope I don't choke on my tongue when it all happens.
  My mother had a hotel room for a couple nights.  Normally when she isn't working on the road all week she and my father live with us.  Mostly we don't see them until the weekend.  With everything going on she wanted to give us some space and I was thankful.  My wife dropped the kids off at the hotel and we stayed there for the night.  They have a pool so we were able to splash around a bit.  My daughter is learning to swim and she swims so good, but she was afraid to go down the slide because it empties into the deep end.  My son is such a good big brother to her, encouraging her to do it, and supporting her.  We had to practice her swimming a couple of times before she would try it.  She is so brave and once she did she loved it and went down so much and they both had  so much fun.
  They have been told that their Mom is moving to a new house and that they will be going there to live.  They understand that we are working on a lot of problems and closing the business and working on the house and that Mom and them don't need to be in the way as things are getting done.  They understand that Mom needs some time away from the stress of what is going on.  They know they have to be strong and support their mother and help her to heal.  My kids are so great.
  Got them to sleep in the hotel and i couldn't sleep, it was 11:30.  I decided that I wasn't ready to give up my last day yet and got up , left the kids with my mother in the hotel room and drove home.  I was texting my wife for about 20 min parked out front of our house.  She wasn't responding, though I wasn't saying anything too unique, the same things I have only just been able to work out between sobs the last few days.  I finally got up the courage to go up to the door.  I know it's my house I have a key I can get in, but I needed my wife to let me in.  I suppose it was symbolic in away  maybe I just didn't want to impose on her in case she had things set up that she didn't want me to see.  For whatever the reason I wanted so bad for her to let me in and not for me to just come in.   I rang the doorbell and pounded on the door, it took a while, mostly for the dog to start barking for her to come, but she did come and open the door and let me in.  I don't think she understood how much it meant to me for her to do that, "you should have just let yourself in."  At that moment I was happier than I have been since she dropped this on me.  I wanted to say so many things to her but all I could do was grab her and hold her .
  We talked about a lot of things, my plans for fixing and how we were both feeling.  She is moving out right now , and even as I type this I can hardly think of it.  She needs to be away from me to decide if she's still in love and can trust me.  She feels as if I have been lying to her about the state of the business for 5 years she says sometimes for 6.  So since it's been open essentially she has been resenting me following my dream.   She needs me to build her trust again and follow through with the things that I am setting afoot.  I told her I support her having a sanctuary to go to, I don't like being away from her but I understand what she needs.  I don't want to be not married, or separated.  I told her I still wanted to talk every day and make plans together, even if it's just let's go to dinner or walk around the mall and get a haircut, as a family.  It doesn't have to be weekdays the kids are with her weekends they are with me.  I hope that we can have the kids live as they want and where is convenient for that days scheduled and that we can still do things as a family so that we don't grow apart .  She says she want's that too and I need to believe her, but every minuet I can feel her farther from me.
  I don't know if I can live without her being with me.  There are some things I can do.  I can cut my fingernails if I move slow.  I can walk if I concentrate on every step.  I can't put in the cufflinks she got me for Christmas.  I can't be my own person, I have to be half of her. 
  I guess my last day ended swinging up.  We were talking and working.  There is a promise of a new day, though that day doesn't feel like today but I am sure I'll be able to see it soon.  There has to be a new day soon or I'll never be whole again, just the broken half of something that was great.

news to me

  I learned to brush my teeth while crying this morning.  That's a skill I never thought I'd have.  It's strange how one second can change your entire skill set and the things you once thought were your assets are now compleetly useless.  For example, a few days ago i thought that my desire to go after my dreams and give 110% in every thing and never give up were some of my best traits.  Turns out my wife doesn't appreciate them so much, the business that was my (I had hoped our) dream  is creating some resentment in her.
  When she calls and says is, "is anyone there are you alone, good I'm coming over."  and since I had a few months back talked to her about a fantasy I had of making love to her in my office I was thinking dream come true.  Only when she sits down and says "I'm leaving you," my dream suddenly turns to a nightmare.   Like every relationship we have had issues, but issues we were working through.  Money is tight but money is tight all over and it's often been that way for us.  She's stressed at her work, we can work on that.  Last week we are picking out tile back splashes and new counter tops, and now, just one day at lunch,  life changes for good.
   Dow following my dream isn't something that is good, "get rid of it is not making enough money  and get a job" giving 110% to make my dream a reality is "you care more about your company than you do about me."  I will freely admit, I don't make any money.  Like so many entrepreneurs feel, I feel success is just around the corner for me.  things are getting better, after 5 years I can bring home somewhat regularly.  And like most small business owners in small communities will tell you, it becomes a part of your identity.  Being in a small community  and knowing my customers on a personal level give me a different perspective on success, helping people and giving extraordinary service and good product become a level of success on their own.  Unfortunately that's not how the banks measure success and not how my wife measures it either.  I guess that was the last straw for her and on one Wednesday just after eating lunch I found out that I had the rest of the week to be a husband and a father and on Saturday she was moving out.  Lease was signed so she couldn't change her mind.  No second chances, gone on Saturday.  There was a lot more fluff to it of course but the usual "it's not you it's me," and "I love you as a friend"  that one particularly hurts.  I suppose that the one saving grace I have is it's only a 6 month lease and the hope that it's only a temporary situation.
  My chance for a new beginning is, get a job, support your family.  But, here's the clincher, gotta do it on my own, she's moved out.  Pick up your own pieces buddy.  I've never been without my wife, we started dating when I turned 16 and got my first car and as far as I was concerned at the time I was in it for life or longer.  The vows at the wedding I thought were silly "till death us do part."  Not even then is my attitude.  I've never made  a major decision without talking to her... ever.  I've never thought of going anywhere or doing anything without thinking that we would go and do it together.  So I still don't have a decision to make as far as I'm concerned,  get my wife back at all cost, at any cost. Or I could... nope just get her back.
  Dream big, give 110% at everything, not so good.  Brush teeth while sobbing... pretty handy trick.  shaving while crying is a little risky but also doable.  Talk to kids without crying used to be easy, all the sudden it's not so easy.  I can shut it off at work when a customer comes in thankfully, but I've always been able to shut everything down and focus on a customer.  It kills me though when talking to people, I used to say "Those look really good on you" and think, those will wow her friends , be really functional, comfortable, I'll have a happy customer, you should buy it.  Now I'm thinking just say you'll think about it and get out if I have to force a smile any longer I'm going to throw up.
  talking while crying isn't something that I've gotten the hang of yet.  I look at my wife and want to say "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met," it comes out through the sobs as "please don't leave me."  I want to say "I can make things better I'll come up with a plan" I'm a pretty articulate guy, I have a good vocabulary, all I get is "don't go."  Please is a word I can say while sobbing so I'll start my crying vocabulary with one word I can say really well.  No is also go, especially when preceded by please.  I guess I have had a blessed life, I've never had to develop a vocabulary of words I can say while crying.   I managed to get out "I want you" and "I want you to want me"  it was really hard to say "I don't want you to want someone else."  Of course my mind is bouncing to the worst case scenario now, like I never used to.  Some one would say "hows business shaping up? " I'd think "it's coming along, there's still a rocky road but I think it's turning a corner"  Before lunch on Wednesday I never would have thought, "it's a dying horse and ruining my marriage and family, I'm so close to being bankrupt that I think there's a letter from a lawyer taped to my door."  Now I can't help but think she's leaving, she's got a lease,  hmmm she asked me if I had packing tape the other day and like a big dumb dog I said 'Yeah right here."   I would believe right away that anyone given my situation would go to a "she's found comfort with someone else"  idea.  Thankfully she said she was not seeing anyone she had not seen anyone and she hadn't even dallied a little like one time.  I suppose that she could be lying cause if she said otherwise I'd be a little puddle on the floor right now but I believe she's being honest about it, maybe I'm just needing to believe she's being honest.  I've never been with another woman, she was my first kiss, my first girl friend, the first girl I ever held hands with, my first date.  I have no skeletons in my closet at all.  She only had one boyfriend before me, it was high school it wasn't serious and when she says that the most they did was make out my stomach turns at the thought.  I was talking with my brothers fiance, she's a really good person and is going to be a really good friend I can tell.  She said that I was the nicest guy she  had met in a long time, that was a nice bit of ego stroking so it felt good, but she followed it with, "when she's out on the dating scene she'll realize how good you were."   That was a knife in my heart.  My wife, my girlfriend the woman of my dreams, my soul mate, dating.  Holding hands with another man.  Kissing him.  Him feeling her up.. .
   That's as far as that line can go, it took me about 10 min to write that and if I go any farther down that line I will be a puddle on the floor.
  So, two days ago, following my dreams,  wanted to get an RV to go camping with the family.  Thinking about a vacation with the family to New York to see the city, wanted to go to Vegas just her and me.  Maybe fulfilling a long time fantasy of having my wife at work.  Two min later, no hopes, no dreams, lost my identity, lost my soul mate.  Empty house, soon to be no work, no relationship with my customers, my level of success as I measure it is gone.  I have a $20 bill in my pocket that I can get food or gas for... until I get a job.  I guess it's a lot easier to measure success now,  just go to the bottom of the scale and read the "you are here" sign.