I thought that working and knowing my wife was moving out was the hardest part of my day. After work I passed out some resumes to try to get a job, that was hard but something I could handle. Talking to a customer and pretending like I cared was way harder. Coming home and seeing the tire tracks in the snow from where she was moving out was hard too. I was glad that the kids were one step ahead of me on my way in tonight for sure. I was just getting out of the car as they were at the door, they were inside already as I had to stop when I saw the tracks. I didn't want them to see me break down, I almost did. I guess that prepared me for what was in the house because I wasn't so bad with there being a mess after her moving out and a lot of furniture gone.
I could hear the kids running around saying it's so empty and I knew it would be. What I didn't expect was to see the mess from the movers left behind. It really gave me insight on how her friends feel about me. I've moved before and I've had the attitude of "just get things out and let the next guys worry about the mess." When I saw coffee cups and straw wrappers laying about it made me sad. I said to my wife the night before, "I am glad it's them helping you move, because no matter how this ends with us, I will never be able to look anyone in the face that helped you move out on me. With them, I can live with that." We never really got along, I don't think I was ever really good enough to associate with them. My collar was too blue for her and I wasn't enough of a 'good old boy' for him and I always felt as though they couldn't be bothered with me. I guess today helps confirm that.
First off the mess. I understand that moving furniture is hard work and nobody really likes doing it, but the let the next guy clean it up attitude really bugs me. I feel like all they care about is getting the moving done and my wife is the one they liked all along I'm just the guy she's moving out on. It didn't matter to them that their kids left my kids toys all over the place, broken some of them. and tie down straps and bolts from the furniture laying about, coffee cups about, straws in the garberator. Absolutely no care at all that this was still our home, even if it was absent some of our stuff. There were also some wine glasses left out. On it's own not a big deal but these were not ours and they were cheep plastic like they were just bought. This particular friend happens to be "a bottle of wine answers everything." Girls night... bottle of wine and a movie. Hot tub... and a bottle of wine. My wife and I aren't drinkers typically so I knew right away where it was from. Bring over a bottle of wine to help relax her which seems okay but it bothers me that she is such a good friend and she is counseling her to move out. Make it easy on her, step away from the situation, let me help your transition. A good friend would be counseling to work it out, the easy way out isn't always better. So I guess I was right about never wanting to look at them again, though it's not pride that will make me turn away, it's more like disgust. Poor woman, needs some wine and make it better, and who cares about me wallowing in the pieces afterward. My wife has called her her only and best friend, and that may be true, but her and her husband are not friends of mine.
It hurt but that was able to get over it. Again the kids were one step ahead of me and were downstairs where the tv room was relatively untouched and finding something to watch while I made dinner. Heating up the stove, trying to clean up a bit. A lot of dishes were washed and in the sink, I think because my wife washed everything so she could take what she wanted. I started putting away stuff, there were less pots and pans in the cupboards and tat I expected. It still hurt and I was glad the kids were downstairs because I had to stop and sob a bit here and there but I was able to keep composed and keep on going. One step at a time, just get through dinner. Make the beds while things are cooking. Looking at the piles of things not taken and I saw the candle from our wedding. I picked it up to see just what it was and recognized it right away, started reading, "this day I marry my best friend, the one I laugh with, live for, dream with." That's the first time I lost it tonight. I had to move down the hall to our bedroom so the kids couldn't hear me. It's now on my bed stand, I can see it now and I still mean every word. Just get through dinner. Go into our bathroom and clean up myself, then start cleaning up in there, don't pay attention to the empty cabinet where her makup used to be and hair stuff. Just make dinner for the kids, then it'll be bed time then when they are asleep I can relax my guard. Finnish putting away the dishes. There was a wooden spoon left, they go by the stove in a ceramic vase. I was in front of the stove before I noticed the vase wasn't there. I was so confused, I started crying and had no idea what to do. Again glad the kids were watching tv downstairs. Compose myself, just get through dinner, just make the kids dinner.
Dinner was chicken fingers and tater gems. We ate down stairs in front of the tv My son helped me carry down the food. "Thanks for dinner, Dad," he told me. I didn't know how to say that I enjoyed making it more than anything because it was the only thing keeping me from falling on the floor and crying till my eyes bled. I suppose if anything this ordeal will make me enjoy cooking for the kids a lot more.
We ate, we watched a stupid show on tv, I left before it was over. On the top of a book case was a picture frame that opens and you can put more pictures in it. on the front was a picture of my wife and I when we young, still in high school. It had been there so long I never paid attention to it. Not until it was there and the book case was not did I even have an inkling to look inside it. I walked slowly down the hall to out bedroom holding it, interested to see what was in it, I had never really even looked in it, my wife had put everything in it. I had been up and down the hall a dozen times this evening, but now pictures must have been on my mind. I looked up to where our wedding picture had been and all I saw was a blank wall. At first I thought I should feel sad I can't see it, but instead I felt happy that she was able to see it. Our family pictures were gone as well and though it makes the walls look bare and makes my home more broken, I felt that it was good that she wanted to look at pictures of us of our family. Then I doubled back on that idea and was sad that she is making this new refuge of hers a home. All our pictures around, all our stuff, making this other house a home that I am not part of.
I decided to sit in the bathroom and look through the pictures that way if the kids came up I could hold them off at the door while I compose myself. Inside were a lot of old pictures, from when we were dating and from our wedding, pictures of her friends from school. Clearly it was all stuff that meant something to her, and I came across something that I didn't know survived.
When we stared dating I was so nervous I could hardly eat, or talk. It was a couple weeks we had been going out to movies and seeing each other and it was her birthday. I was going to be out of town so I sent her a bouquet, a teddy bear and chocolates. I never did see them, it's like that when you order flowers and stuff, you just hope they send something nice. I didn't know what to have them put on the card. It took me a long time to summon the courage to tell someone I didn't know to write "I love you but don't know how to say it" finally I did that. I was so scared but on her birthday when I phoned her the first thing she said was "I love you" and I was the happiest I had ever been. The card was in the case with the pictures. I didn't know she had kept it, I don't know if she knows she still has it, but seeing it and remembering was very hard. Here was the very first time I had told my dream girl I loved her, what if today was the last time? That was the first time I had heard her say the sweetest words I could ever hear, what if I never hear them again? I don't know what else to say about this except that it was very hard to think about and it is now in a frame and is the only thing hanging on any wall in my house right now. I can see that from my bed too, maybe this is why I can't sleep at 1 in the morning.
The night wasn't over yet, I got the kids in bed and was placing some things I know my wife will need, Her lunch bag (write a little not for her in her lunch, fold and sign it with a heard and arrow our initials inside). The remote for her ipod doc. I found her charm bracelet and thought I should put it with her stuff too but I only got half way there and could stop clutching it and crying. The kids were in bed but probably not sleeping. Try to be quiet so they can't hear me. between my sobbing,while clutching her bracelet to my face I heard the door open and the dog come in.
My wife was dropping off the dog so he could sleep with my daughter, I guess she called my wife and told her to. I didn't see her so i walked slowly to the stairs and stopped just as I could see her half way up. she said she didn't know if I wanted to see her. I said I always want to see you. she went to kiss the kids goodnight and came back and I held her so close she felt so good, she held me it felt so good, she was holding me. she tells me that she doesn't know if I should see her that it's too hard for me to see her. All I want to say is that the only thing I want to do all day every day is see you, it's the only time I am happy. It's late she was just picking up a few things and she's tired gotta get back and back to bed. I want to say "Go and find your happy face and bring it back to me as soon as you can, I need you with me and I can't live away from you for much longer." Go be happy is all I could get out.
She left and I watched her. I followed her so I could see her until she was out the door. I moved over to the window so I could watch her walk down the bath to her car. I watched her until I couldn't see her any more. when I couldn't see her any more I was so sad, but I had stopped crying. I think knowing she's leaving makes me cry when I'm happy and having her left makes me so sad I can't cry. I want to tell her every time how much I love her. I love her and I do know how to say it and I will say it as much as I can. I live only for the time she says it back to me again.
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