I had my first counseling session today. It was first thing in the morning and I thought it was going to give me a positive outlook on the whole day because I was going to start making headway. The first step. Though she said that because we were coming in separate that we were like two singles, and I understand that. So she started telling me that I need to still have plans only for what I wanted to do, and where I wanted to take the kids. That I should work to make me the best me I could, and that that me was happy. She was saying that because I was in a grey area, my wife being the one who instigated and who has all the cards just waiting for her to make up her mind, that all I could do was focus on the things I could control. My job, my career, my free time. She said keep exercising because it was a good way for me to focus one me. she said keep writing my blog because it was a good way to get things out.
she also brought up that hanging in this grey area will be hard and the longer I am here the closer I'll get to snapping. That's when I finally say, "shit or get off the pot." She said at that point it will be easier to deal with her gone than stay in limbo waiting for her to make up her mind. That is a prospect I am afraid to even think about.
Even all day thinking about what I want to do and how I want to spend time with the kids. It made for a long hard day. Since I was 16, so like my who adult life, there has been nothing I wanted to do that didn't involve my wife. Mexico looks fun, I bet she would love to go, we could sit on the beach and swim in the ocean. That movie looks good she'd love to go with me. Even if there was something I did on my own I couldn't wait to come home and tell her about it. Nothing seems real until I tell her about it or she comes with me. how can I just start being selfish over night. Even over a year or two, I can't even imagine planning a vacation that she wasn't coming with, or at least where I could call her or something while I was there.
It really got me down as the day went by, thinking of things to do to spend my time that didn't in some way involve her. Even Geocaching, which I started doing so that we could all do it together, trying to get us involved in something as a family that didn't cost anything. She was never really into it, and often didn't go with us, but I loved coming home and telling her all about where we went and what we found. I tried to include her so much even though she wasn't with us. I don't see how anything will be fun again if she's not with me or I can't tell her about it.
The counselor was worried about me personally that if I put all my eggs in one basket to get her back, if that doesn't happen then I'll hit rock bottom. From where I'm standing now living happily without her is worse than being miserable with her in my heart. I don't think I'll ever be able to do that. I have to put all my eggs in one basket and give it 100% effort, or it won't work.
She also said that I need to give her space, she moved out because she needed space and if I don't give it to her I will just push her farther away. That is so hard, I can't go to bed without telling her I love her. I want so bad just to sit on the couch, rub her feet and talk like we always have. How can I just stop, one day we are talking about her work and my work and the kids and camping this summer and then all the sudden it turns off and I can't talk to her at all. The counselor asked me if I was talking to my friends, if I had someone that I went to to talk to about things when I was having trouble. That would have been my wife, if ever I needed clarity I could go to her, if I needed advice or consoling I could go to her. Now that's gone when I need it the most.
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