Had probably my worst day yet yesterday. Sort of everything came to a head and I couldn't take it. It felt like the bottom of the barrel for me. To start with , no kids for the night, having that knowledge of going home to an empty house was over my head all day. It was a slow day at work so I had a lot of time to think. I just wanted to text my wife and tell her what I was thinking but I tried to stay away from that as best I could on advice from the counselor. I had emailed her back and forth about some finance stuff and I asked if she had called to get a file open with the counselor for her self. She said she hadn't that she would today, it's just busy at work and it occurred to me that she was never going to call and in my mind was thinking that she never had any intention of calling. So that was another rain cloud following me around.
Just thinking of everything and how having her not around made me feel empty and what was I supposed to do for myself. I just finally gave up, I can't do anything without my wife, and if all I do is work and earn out of obligation and that is my life the so be it. If I never feel anything again and all I do is go to work and come home to stare at the wall that's all I need. I did send her a text, I think I was at my lowest point, after sobbing for an hour on the floor. I was just asking for some sign that everything we were doing was moving us right, one ray of hope that we were repairing things. I asked her to call me. she never did, though in her defense it was late and she was likely sleeping. I didn't want to exercise, I did do some chores, but as soon as I said that's all i can do tonight and resigned to bed, having nothing left to occupy my thoughts I lost it. spiraling down until I felt like I had to give up and have nothing left. Last night I was done, empty.
This morning started out the same. I couldn't hardly look at my kids when they were over before school because I was so down. My daughter gave me a hug and told me she loved me and I was the best daddy ever. I started to cry and had to leave so they wouldn't see me break down. got to work and had some things to do, so for a while that kept my mind busy. though I keep making stupid mistakes because I can't focus. Talking to costumers has been hard. they say they'll come back after their appointment in a couple weeks, or when will you have new stock in. I have to straight out lie and say soon, or I'll be here see you then. I think that will get harder and harder as next week moves on.
I did get some encouraging input on selling some of my assets so that made things positive. I had promised myself that I wouldn't message my wife today, nothing, give her the space that she needed for the next few days until I can come back with something newsworthy to tell her. I was at the bottom anyway and so just staying there and not caring seemed like a good plan.
though, just when I thought I'd have to go home and have another horrible night, she messaged me. It felt so good that she was coming to me to talk, I was so happy. We talked a bit until she had to go get the kids in bed and stuff. It felt good to talk about our feelings and not just small talk, or finances. I think I'm getting small talked to death and that's the biggest thing that is killing me.
So just at the end of a really bad patch, I got a little bit of hope that we will continue being open and honest and that we would continue talking. I know that if we can keep talking we will grow back together. So right after my worst day I followed it up with a really good day. I hope I can start making more good days than bad, then I will be able to slowly move the bad days out all together.
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