It seems that my worst days are followed by some of my best days. Saturday at work was awful. Standing around waiting for my wife to call, not that she was supposed to, but still wanting it to happen. I did make a lot of headway with selling some assets, someone came in from out of town to see things which was good. I found out today she wants to buy and for a fair price. But Saturday night was terrible for me.
For some reason I couldn't get out of my mind the thought that she could be out with another guy. Maybe she took the kids to her parents and went on a date. Maybe part of her finding herself is sleeping around. What if she's out to dinner with some guy she just met. It was in my head all night, I couldn't sleep. When I did sleep I dreamed of it. then I'd wake up and couldn't get it out of my head and couldn't get back to sleep. It makes me sick to think about it. I know that if we don't get another chance to be together that will be hard enough to deal with but I'll also have to deal with her dating again and being with another man. It makes me want to throw up to think about it so I try my best not to.
Saturday night and Sunday morning were so bad, I couldn't think, I couldn't sleep. Saturday night I ended up going into my work to get some things done that I was going to do Monday. Now I don't have to do that, and it was the only thing I could do. It didn't help clear my head though.
Passed out some resumes today and things look encouraging. Honestly, I have a stellar resume for my field, I'm good at my job and my history shows it. I'll probably end up with a good job by the end of next week, if not this week. I have a really good friend who is passing around my resume to people he knows and telling them how good I am. He's selling me hard and it will be largely because of him that I get hooked up with a good job.
Got the offer for my equipment which was a load off my mind. A nice little nest egg hanging around for when we want to buy a house or something will be very good. And to top off the up swing in good turns, my daughter invited me to go swimming with them, and my wife offered to go with. I was going to hand out more resumes but I dropped that and jumped at the chance to a family outing.
My wife and I talked some, as much as you can talk about these things at a pool. I told her that a lot of the reason we are in this situation is that neither of us talked or listened to each other. I said that I didn't want to make the same mistake and that I was opening up to her about my feelings and all she wanted to talk about was logistics and work and "small talk". she said that she agreed that we didn't communicate before but she wasn't ready to open up, but that me talking and her listening was a start.
I asked her why she wasn't wearing my rings, she said that because she walked out that she didn't feel she was being an active member in the marriage that she would feel hypocritical to wear it. I said that by putting them back on she was taking an active role. I said it would make me happy if she did, when she was ready. I told here there were so many things that I wanted to tell her, she said we are here lets talk. But there's only so much I want to talk about at a public pool. It's still very emotional for me so I'd have to stop a lot and change the subject. Bottom line what I wanted to get to her today was I'm not expecting that Friday I close down, Monday I have a job, Tuesday she's moving back in. But I was expecting that we could take the next few months and get reacquainted and let our love be reforged and grow again, or grow into something new. that I deserved a chance to make things better, that we deserved a chance to become better.
She has an idea that she's never loved me in the same way that I love her, and that I deserve to be loved as much as I love. That is a lot of what she's trying to figure out. I know that it isn't true, I know she loved me. I know by the way she used to sigh when I'd hug her from behind, and the smile she would have when I would hold her hand and say "I love you." I know she loved me every bit as much as I loved her. Even if she couldn't express it the same way, or wasn't as vocal or lustful as I was, I have never doubted her love for me, even now that she does.
I want so much to tell her everything that I've typed in my blog. I need her to read it and understand how I feel. How can I tell her to read it though, I'm worried that she might feel it's contrived just for her, that I only wrote things for her to read and that they are obscured from the truth to what I want her to hear. I started this blog to organize my feelings and everything in it is how I feel, not how I want it to look like I feel. There's a big part of me that hopes she will find this and read it on her own without me knowing. If she asked I would give it to her, no question. right now I am an open book to her, she could ask me anything.
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