Peace of Mind

  It was a long stressful day that ended up really well.  Well the last two days was pretty stressful.  Saturday started out with my wife and I texting back and forth.  It was a lot of good feelings and it had a lot of good potential.  I asked her out on a date.  No strings attached, just two people getting to know each other.  She was taking it the wrong way I think, like "let's get back together" and even if she took it the right way I don't think she is ready for that yet.  anyway, we had to cut the conversation short because we both had work to go to and she had a dinner with her mom, her moms birthday.  I was very unhappy with the way we left things, it was just to open and so many things left misunderstood.
   Of course I brooded over it all day at work, all night, most of this morning.  She texted me back and said that there were a lot of things said and she had hoped we could say them face to face.  Not a date, but the two of us, in public talking about things.  I was excited, because that is something I've wanted for a long time.  after a lot of pauses and breaks we decided a bar close to both of our places would be good.  We met alone and on no fixed time schedule. 
  We talked about a lot of things, she opened up about how she felt, we analyzed a bit about what we both felt over the past years.  One thing that she brought up was, "what do we even have in common?"  She has felt that we have grown so far apart that we don't even have anything that bonds us together anymore, she couldn't see us doing anything that we both like to do together other than talking about the kids and work.  I think she looked surprised when I started saying things that we both enjoyed doing together, because she hadn't been able to see them and now bringing them up she realized we did enjoy it.  Or she knew she enjoyed it but didn't realize that I did too.  In any case she looked a little surprised that I could answer her question and that she could see the truth in my answers.  If I would have said something like camping and geocaching, it would have been easy for her to say, "I did those because you liked them, I never did."  And I think that is what she was expecting me to say.  I said, house renovations and looking at show homes.  We enjoyed so much redoing our houses and building our houses and looking at houses and hardware stores.  I brought up watching TV and rubbing her feet and back.  I think she thought I did that just because she asked me to, but it was something I enjoyed and have missed, and talking through the adds about people and things and work and kids.  I brought up our cake decorating class we did, which she was surprised as hell when I said I would take it with her.
  We talked about so many things that it would be imposable to remember them off the top of my head and would be far to much to charter in one sitting anyway.  I talked a lot about giving us a try.  She is in a spot where she doesn't know if she ever loved me or felt passion towards me.  I said I knew it was there, if we need more passion in our relationship we can find that, if you cant see our love let's foster a situation where it can grow.  I think I have convinced her to a point where she can at least see that if we start off just as two people having a date getting to know each other, we can try to see if we are compatible.  I am confident that if she gives it a try we will find that out.  I suggested we start at "Hi my name is Michael I want to get to know you better can I buy you dinner."  Maybe not all at once but after three or four dates we can see how we connect and how much we do have between us.  I suggested a dinner and maybe looking at show homes and one step at a time, like a new relationship.  I don't think she is ready now, but I do at least know she understands what my plan is for a next step is and can think about it and be open to the idea. 
  She did bring up, and I am really encouraged by this, that if we do get back together it won't be in this house with my parents where we lived before.  It would be in the place that she is renting.  I told her that that was something that has been discussed between me and my parents and brother as well.  I find it encouraging because she brought it up totally on her own, I don't feel I led into it or brought up the topic.  So it has been something that she has thought about on her own and that is a possibility in her mind.  That is an encouraging thought.
  We brought up a lot of things like dating and what if we don't get back together and she mentioned that in a year if she wanted to she could file the divorce papers and it was done, and a lot of things that was hard to hear.  All in all I thought we had a very constructive talk and a lot of good discussion that was taken well on both sides.  I have more peace of mind tonight than I have in a long long time.  I hope that my wife has as well, I hope that she feels as good about our discussion as I do tonight.  I know that she will be thinking about everything that I have said, and I know that I will be thinking about what she has said.  I'm glad that she opened up about a lot of things and I feel that she has finally stopped shutting me out and let me behind the curtain so to speak.  I thin that tonight was the first step in making forward movement, I hope that that movement is toward each other, but forward it is just the same.