Well one week of work down and things are going good. my sales are reflecting how good I am at my job. I have committed to getting a great service pin by the end of the March and I know I can do it. Also informally I want my whole team to have one but by the end of the month is a strong goal. This job should be no problem as long as I keep up my motivation and do it. The hardest part about the job is that it is right across from La Via Rosa lingerie store. Every time I look out the front of the store I see something that I think Andrea would look great in. My wife used to buy stuff like that and show it off to me not so long ago. Seeing it only reminds me how lonely I am and how much I miss her. Even walking down the mall and seeing dresses in the windows I just want to buy some for her and see how beautiful she is.
I am feeling stronger mentally and physically. I am standing up for myself more, and I asked my wife out on a date. No strings attached, no expectations, just two people having dinner getting to know each other. she said she didn't think it was a good idea. I said a lot of things to her of which she never has responded. A lot of it was what is a such a bad idea about this. She seems so bent on forcing herself to not love me that she's afraid if we spend time together she'll find out she still does. I don't know what would be so bad about that but apparently it frightens her. It's not something I am prepared to give up on and in my new strength I can't sit back and not act on my feelings. I love her and I am prepared to go after her.
I have been thinking that I am strong enough to let all my friends know and post it on facebook. Let everyone in on what is going on and how I am feeling. a couple of weeks ago I would never have even considered doing anything like that. I'm not sure if it will prove to her that I am becoming strong or if she will resent me exposing things. I'm not sure who she is telling and if she's not telling people is it because she's respecting my boundaries. Maybe getting it out there will open thing up for us. Maybe she'll hate me because I let it out before she was ready. I suppose this is the whole can of worms she opened to begin with so she must be ready.
In debating this and many other things I have to remember one saying that I have applied to many things especially lately. "The road to failure is paved with the bricks of good intentions." All the best intentions in the world will only lead you to fail if you don't act on them. It's all great to think about what would be good, what would be right, what we should do. If we don't act on them at some point it will only pave our way to the bottom of the pile.
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