I was a hard Monday. Without closing my business to deal with all I had left to pay attention to was not having Andrea with me. It was all I could do to keep it together when the kids were around. I had an issue to fix on my car and it kept me busy for a while running around trying to find a part. Driving while crying is hard, I almost had to pull over a couple of times. Made it home, fixed the car before it started snowing. nothing left to do but think of my wife, how she wasn't coming home, how I couldn't talk to her tonight. It felt like I was going backwards.
I did have some good news later in the afternoon. Got a call from a perspective job offer, they wanted a phone interview. I talked to her this morning, things went well, I have a second interview with her later this week Almost right after I hung up the phone I got a call back from the other interview I had been on for a second interview, I am going to tomorrow. Thing were looking up, I may have a paycheck sooner rather than later.
I talked to my wife a little on facebook, telling her how I feel. I was going to be content to just keep it casual but she brought up something and I had to express myself. She said something about making great progress and the way I had been feeling I had to tell her it was all round in circles until we moved forward. She said she agreed and what has she got to loose by talking to someone. I thought we would leave it there, I was happy that we had talked and opened up somewhat.
she emailed me a bit later asking for some money now that I had sold some assets and she needed help with the monthly budget this month. It was after all my debt and bills too. The hardest thing I ever had to say was no. Not no exactly but hurry up and make up your mind what you want. If you want to be my wife and you want to work things out together let's do that, if you want to break away from me do that, you can't have the best of both.
Joanne (the therapist) talked to me a bit this morning. She wanted me to start getting prepared for if she never comes back. I think she's worried I will go to rock bottom if I'm not prepared. She is probably right, even if I am prepared, I can't take that. She said that my wife should be aware that I can only wait so long before I say enough, you're moved out finish it off, you've had enough time to figure things out if you're not by now you never will be. I guess Andreas message tipped me off a bit.
I said I had some money to help depending on who is asking. She thought I meant she was being told by someone to ask for money from me. I clarified and said, if my wife is asking I will do everything I can, if my ex wife is asking, she needs to take care of herself. I think everything I said to her had a "lie in the bed you made for yourself sort of tone" and I had to re clarify things. I told her that I was done asking and done begging for her to show me some good faith. I wasn't asking for her to move back in or to decide right now one way or the other, all I was asking for was a sign. three things I asked her for, Offer me her hand to hold, (the past month she would take my hand hardly if I offered it, if I tried to hold her hand she would pull away, I feel it would be a big step for her to hold mine.) Tell me she will try for us, (just knowing that she is on board with giving us a chance to be back together is a very big deal for me). Lastly tell me she has called for help, calling to talk to Joanne, not will call, not next week, not maybe tomorrow, called or calling right now while I'm with you.
I don't think it is too much to ask, I think it is baby steps. I wanted her to come over tonight after the kids were in bed. She said that being valentines day it would be too emotionally charged. Valentines day has never been emotionally charging for either of us, she suggested when she picks the kids up tomorrow after school. the kids will be here, I'm not sure that will be a good idea. I said maybe in the morning on her way to work. She still hasn't gotten back to me. I think she's stalling for time to think about it. I understand that, it's a lot of things to think about all in one night. maybe she want's to make the call herself and have that ready for me. Worse though, maybe she's going to tell me it's all over and she wants to put it off as long as she can. I guess I'll find out soon my life is in her hands.
In any case tomorrow will be an interesting day, job interview, potential life ending or boosting conversation.
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