Wow so much to get off my chest today. Closing down the shop is going, I've started moving stuff out, did the first major part today. It was some of the equipment that I have sold. Getting that organized so I can get a nice nest egg set up has been a nice interlude to worrying about what I'm going to do with everything. Planning what jobs have to be done before which equipment gets moved out. Trying to schedule when everything is going to get done, packing up what I can, trying not to make it look like I'm moving out. I worry all day that the landlord is going to walk in and go what the hell is this?
It's a lot to take in and in my mind I'm thinking it will all be over Friday, but I know that it won't end there. They will track me down and give me hassle I know it. Though because I'm not setting up somewhere else, I'm just shutting down outright, they won't have any place to chase after me with. And it's a limited company so there's no personal recourse. But they'll try anyway I'm thinking. I don't think that they will just let it go, they may though. Especially if I end up talking to the maintenance guy at some point which is entirely possible, and the neighbors. They are my daughters orthodontist and she has an appointment in a couple weeks so they'll ask no doubt. If it gets back that my wife left me, I had no money, my life fell apart, I'm just trying to avoid bankruptcy, they may just let it go. There's nothing to go after this guy for. I guess time will tell.
Something that has been sitting heavy on my heart lately is who my wife talked to before she decided to leave. The week before she was out with her friend, the same one that helped her move out, and her mother. she told me those are the two people that she talked to about it before she told me. And looking back it's obvious when she did. My big issue is, if a good friend comes to you and says, "I'm leaving my husband" a good friend would say, "have you tried to work things out?" Looking out for a good friends best interests wouldn't that be to advise her to ask me to see a counselor first, that in her best interest staying with her husband and maintaining a family is the best thing. "Have you tried everything?" Wouldn't that be what they should say?
With her friend I don't doubt that she just said, I'm here for you we'll help you move out. Quite frankly I don't think that she will be too unhappy to see me gone and I'm sure she's thinking of people she can set my wife up with that will be more suitable than me too. Her mother is the part that worries me most. She was my mother too for a long time. I understand that her parents want to take an impartial stand on things, for the kids sake. That's what she told me at least, they are not taking sides, just here for both of us if we need anything. It is waying heavy on me what she told my wife when she was told. It's been something that is very hard for me to think about. I think that the reason she didn't tell her father before it happened was that he would have said, "Work it out, you haven't tried everything yet," and that wasn't what she wanted to here. So she avoided it maybe. Of course there is no way to tell short of asking them but this is a touchy subject and there's no way I can ask right now. Maybe in 10 years whatever way things go I can bring that up then but I can't start pointing fingers at people saying you should have said this, you should have counseled her to work things out. It's one of those things that my mind goes to sometimes and there is no solution to figuring it out. I have to take it on faith and trust that she does love me, and she is looking out for every ones best interests the best she can. Obviously she couldn't make my wife do anything differently if my wife didn't want to do it. It's very possible that she did ask those questions, my wife was in a place where she felt there were no other options so even if she did I don't think that she would have listened, and the best thing to do is just give support, I realize that too. But it doesn't mean that when I lie awake at night I don't think about the worst things. The worst things are already happening to me why not think of how much worse it could be. I don't hold any resentment for her even if she did, but it hurts to think of the way things went down.
On the plus side, the big Plus side. After picking up the kids my wife came by to see me at work. I think that she was impressed to see things getting boxed up and moving out. Friday is the lock up day and I think she has some level of relief that it will be over. She was looking for new glasses, seeing as I'm closing and everything is being shipped out anyway. She's not imposing or anything I offered as much as she asked anyway, maybe more. She walked past me and touched me, she ran her hand over my shoulder and down my arm to my elbow. the kind of way that you would when you are walking past someone you know and just want to let them know you are there and moving behind them, don't step back kind. My heart nearly stopped at her touch. In that moment everything else went away and it felt so good that she touched me. she hasn't touched me in weeks. She's let me touch her on occasion, but this was her hand on me, moving down my arm. It was the best ever.
We had a good talk while I was making her glasses. I talked about how I felt like usual, she mostly talked about work and logistics. She did ask about a text I had sent a day or so ago. I think this was a big step for us. She acknowledged my messages, she was seeking clarification and she was talking about her feelings. what a great moment. I had told her that it wasn't because she left me that I was making changes, it was because I could now see how much the way things were was hurting her and that made me want to change. She is worried that I am selling my business for her and that I will end up resenting her for it. Saying years down the line that if she hadn't left me and told me to sell or we are through it would have made it, it was so close. She is worried that I am doing things for her that I don't believe they are the right decisions. I told her that it was my decision to close down, not that she was telling me to, I said that it was because I could see what it was doing to her and my family that I was deciding to make that change to make things better and stop the pain for her and my family life. That the company wasn't worth breaking up everything for it.
I also told her that closing the company was the easy part, that arranging financing was easy, that finding a new job and a new direction was easy. What is hard is not being able to come home and tell her how exciting it was that I sold some assents or how great my interview was. That is the hardest thing I have ever done. It was very emotional for both of us I think, I know I was nearly crying and could hardly get the words out. She looked a little red in the eyes. I held out my hands to see if she would let me hold her hands. That is when the best thing to happen to me in weeks happened. She hugged me. Truth be told I hugged her harder than she did me, but she hugged back, it wasn't like she was just letting me hug her. I told her how much I loved her and missed her. I was so happy to be holding her I cried. It was like a dream. I pulled back to look at her and told her she looked beautiful, which she did. she asked how her new glasses looked and I reached up to give them a little adjustment and her hands staid on my waist. We hugged again. It was so good, she felt so good in my arms. It was like the heavens opened and shone a light right on us. The earth shook, the lights flashed. It was the best thing ever, my heart filled up.
the kids were there so when we stopped she went into the bathroom for a tissue and to compose herself a little, I thin she felt everything I did. Her and the kids had to get going and they left, but my heart has been filled up so much. the little bit of love she was capable of showing today blew my mind and I think I will be on a high for a long time because of it. I hope that it is the little snowball that rolls down the mountain to start an avalanche. She does love me, and she's starting to see it again.
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