The last couple of days went well I think, I've felt better and stronger than I have in a long time. It was a good interview yesterday. I felt very positive about it, I think I had a really good connection with the guy I talked with. It seems like the lady doing most of my interviewing is happy and excited to see me which is a good sign. I think that she is apprehensive to shoot me into a major role though, I get the feeling like she thinks I can do it, she's getting a good vibe, but all her training says don't throw your weight behind an untested new employee.
Had a Great talk with my wife too. Not as good as I was hoping but not nearly as bad as I was fearing. I was hoping that she would have seen hope in what I was accomplishing and she would have her rings on and she would take my hands and say, "I'm willing to try," maybe even, "I love you." I am ready to move on to the next step with her but I know she's not ready yet. She had a lot to say about how empty she felt and how she doesn't know how much is left to grow. She said a couple of times she should have left me a year ago when she had more to rebuild our relationship on again. If she had of left sooner when she still fostered feelings of any kind then seeing how serious I am would have rekindled that, and now she doesn't know if there is anything left. Though just that admission shows me there is something.
She also said that she would love to look at me and see love again, she would like to come home and sit on the couch and talk about our days. She knows it would be best to raise our children together in the same house. I know that she is not ready to commit to loving me, or to say she will try and love me or give me a chance to earn her love. Hearing her say she liked what we had and she would like that again gave me the hope I needed.
She also said a lot of things about how could I not see how bad she was. How could nobody see even though we were living together how unhappy she was. She told me she was on anti depressants for a while. I really was shocked, at first I had no recollection of her being on any medication. After thinking about it I do remember that she was on some, and I do remember her downplaying it to something about just keeping her even. Just to handle work. We never discussed it, she didn't talk about it. How could I not see how unhappy she was? I could say, how could she not tell me? I suppose she did, at least in the best way that she knew how. The only real answer I have is that I was unhappy too, and stressed and worried. The only way I had to deal with that was to focus on what was good in my life. To look at all the smiles rather than the tears, to count the laughs and not the cries. I guess that I blocked out so much of anything that stressed me and focused so hard on the things that made me happy that I couldn't see just how unhappy things had gotten.
I told my wife that us not communicating and saying everything we were feeling was what got us to this point, I told her that I would not make that same mistake. Everything I feel I will tell her, my heart is an open book and hold nothing back.
I felt good about the talk and felt that I could make my dinner appointment with my buddies. I know I have been dreading talking to them at all and not knowing how things would go. I was considering canceling but after a constructive talk with Andrea I felt I could take on Mike and Chester. It was a good dinner, we chatted about football and TV and movies and poetics. We talked a little about me shutting down Hero, and what I| was going to do. I didn't mention that my wife had moved out. The closest thing I said was that running Hero was taxing on us personally. I have had the feeling for a while that they know, my brother told them or they heard somewhere, but they didn't mention anything like that either. It was a good dinner, and good to get my mind off of things too in a way.
The kids and I were re staining an old tv cabinet we keep their computer in. It's a bit out of shape and beat up so we thought we'd make it look a little nicer. I posted pictures on facebook and wrote a nice story that was a great metaphor for my wife and I and us rebuilding. It had a lot to do with taking an old piece and in staining it you can start to see the grain and beauty of the wood and how all the dents and scratches and rough patches that made it look worn out before added to the character and beauty of the piece. I cried as I wrote it, I hope that my wife sees the metaphor and relates to it.
After helping me I promised the kids we would go out to lunch and I invited my wife to meet us. She said yes and I was so happy. We met at Mcdonalds and so I knew we couldn't talk about anything too deep which was good because that's not what we needed today. What we needed was to just be ourselves. I needed her to see me as the strong man she needs to fall in love with and not the crying mess I have been for the last month. Our talk yesterday gave me the strength to do that today at lunch. We all talked, we all ate, and it was a good casual lunch with the whole family.
As I got back in the car to go back home I got a call from Joanne at lenscrafters, she all but offered me a job, not the big dream job I had been interviewing for but a lessor job still of importance that would get my feet wet in the company and "teach me the ropes" as she put it though I think it's more to confirm my competence before they throw me into a big role.
What a great couple of days, and I found myself interacting with Parker and Paige more like I used to. It occurred to me that the past month I had been parenting and now I was a father again. It felt good to be that man again and I know it was seen by my wife at lunch and I know that I will continue to gain strength and that will remind her of the love she had for me.
I have another interview tomorrow and I think it will be the last one before I clinch a great career path for myself. Thinking today about my plans and trying to figure out where I should be, and counting all the chickens before they are hatched I kind of have my next couple of steps planned out. Get a job, almost done that already. Get my own place, move out from my mom and dad, buy a small place. I can't move ahead in any way living here I need to be on my own. It's my hope that my wife sees me getting a mortgage and making it independently that she will see the man she wants. That's the steps I need to take.
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