I still haven't had my wish, but the clasp is making its way around to the side of my neck so I guess I'm getting a bit lucky anyway. As long as it doesn't make it's way back around I think I'll be okay with being steady at half lucky for a bit. I woke up with the kids and got them fed and on their way to school. It seems like as soon as they are out of the car and I can let my facade down I can't stop crying.
It's the same at work, as long as someone is there that I need to put on a smile for or as long as I have something to do that I can concentrate on I can get by. It was a hard day because I had done all the work I needed yesterday and there was nothing left until a shipment of lenses comes in later so for a few hours I had nothing and it was quiet. If I have to stick this out much longer I don't think I'll make it. I know where it is I have to go, I know several ways to get there, I know the one I want to take. It seems like I'm waiting around doing nothing to get there. Waiting for bank paperwork, waiting for steps to move forward. this sitting around doing nothing is going to be a killer for me. I hope that I can get this all done and start rebuilding myself before everything inside of me is gone and I have nothing left to rebuild.
I know it has been a long time that my wife has not been happy and that she needs to rebuild herself. In supporting her rebuilding herself it's tearing down me. As she finds herself I loose myself and I hope that we can build her up to a point that things are getting better soon enough to not loose me in the shuffle. I'm willing to do what I can but at some point I can see it being too far. I can make the changes, shut down my dreams, change my work, become a working man instead of an entrepreneur and dreamer. I can't get over her leaving me, that will forever be on my soul unless she helps me out of it. I want her so bad to take my hand and give me her love and save my life. I can hold off drowning in it for a while but I need her to help me out even a little to keep me afloat and finally get out of the water.
I tried to keep busy at work, but there was nothing to do. I was so happy when I found something that I forgot I had to do and could keep my mind active for a little bit. My doctor is great, he is so sportive, he's been through a situation like this and he knows how I feel. He's not resenting on thing and that's nice to have, he's really the only friend I've told everything I'm planning other than my brother and parents. I suppose I should talk to my friends, I have a couple close friends who I go to football games and things with. I have told them about shutting down the company but not that my wife moved out. I guess I'm putting it off, hopping that things will pan out before I really have to tell them. I would rather tell them, "things are rough but we are back together and mending things." Telling anyone that she has moved out, doesn't know if she ever wants to move back in, can't tell me she loves me is something I don't think I can handle, I don't think I can ever handle it. I can hardly handle telling it to myself.
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