It was a hard day today all around. Up early and tried to keep busy exercise, clean. I'm finding if I can keep moving and have a short term goal in mind I can not have a total break down. By short term I mean, put away this cup, take this box to the trash, One step at a time. My wife dropped off the kids so I could feed them breakfast while she headed off to work. She didn't come in, I know she was running late but it broke my heart not to see her.
My kids are so great, they are really stepping up to the plate and supporting each other and me. My son who never used to hug, he's at an age where he might let you hug him, will com over to me and hug me. We had breakfast together and chatted about their other house. Took them off to school, it's a short drive so I took them and came home to shower and get ready for work. I cried the whole way home.
I went to the bank first thing today, I need to have a personal account so if I have a paycheck I can deposit it and pay bills and things out of it. I was sitting in their waiting area reading some material while I was waiting for the account manager to come and get me. They had a section for "we want to help you in any situation" or something like that, and they had listed stuff like retirement and moving and loss of a family member. One of the things was Marital Change. I think if I wasn't in a public lobby I'd have had a break down, because that's exactly why |I was there. the lady helping me open up the account was really sweet and she really did go out of my way to make things as comfortable as possible. There were a few questions that were simple questions that shouldn't have made me go off the end but they did. Like she said, would you be planning to apply for a mortgage in the next year. I was thinking, I hope so with all my heart that we will be together and trying to buy a new home together within a year. There were a few times I had to stop and breath. The Lady there tried to not notice and just let it pass for me but I can tell she was really hopping I didn't break down.
Cried in the car the whole way to work though. Had to keep busy at work, sending my e-mails, do the floor, clean what I can. Had customers in all afternoon it was a fairly busy day which was good. I did have to talk with my co worker though. the only reason he is even here and not retired is because he wanted to help me. we have been good friends and he is settling into a nice life here and now I had to tell him that it was all over. He understood though, he had been through a break up too and knows how hard things are. I think he has been my best friend over the past year and a half that we have been working together and it was hard to tell him it was all over because he was working hard to help me succeed as well.
My kids and I go to cubs, I am one of the leaders. There has been a lot of shake ups with the head leader and he had to leave so they were hoping that I would step up and be the head guy. I had to send an e-mail to the section heads to tell them. they are a couple and they pretty much run the scouting program for that group, and they are pretty good friends within the scout program for me. We have never hung out outside of scouting but we've always said we should more. They were the first people outside my circle of family and work who I told what was going on. I felt that they needed to know in order to plan and organize the troop. We didn't talk about it at the meeting last night though, that was a good thing. I'm not sure that they read the e-mail I sent them or if they just didn't need to bring it up but I was glad they didn't.
Stopped by my brothers afterward so his fiancee could help my son with homework. French homework and she is french so we asked her for help. It's clear that his kids know what is going on but they didn't want to bring it up or anything so it was mostly small talk. My new nephew, he's 20, kept offering me a drink. No thanks I don't drink. And I could hear him say to my brother that "we should take him to the strippers and get him drunk." I think that would kill me seriously. All this small talk is going to but me in an early grave all I want to do is cry alone in the dark.
Kids off to bed and I started taking down the Christmas tree. I has been left up too long and I think my wife (when she was home) and myself have been avoiding it for too long. I had texted her earlier if she wanted me to do it or if she was planning on coming back to do it. she seemed a little benevolent. She'd be there while the kids and I were out for Tuesday wing night as usual and cleaning up some last things and if it wasn't done she'd do it. I did it last night when the kids went to bed anyway. Taking some of the ornaments off was very hard for me. The ones labeled first Christmas and too my honey were ornaments we got each other when we were first married. I had no idea that this could be our last Christmas. There were a lot of things on the tree I didn't recognize. I don't think she bought anything new just for this year and I thought were have I been that I didn't know the things on the tree. Have I missed that much while I was focusing on the business?
It was such a hard day and so many things going on I missed having my wife. All I wanted to do was sit on the couch and rub her feet and talk about our day and all the little things that were happening and plan our tomorrow. It just wasn't there and I think that a lot of times I hurt so bad when I am alone that I can't cry. It's only when I see her and think about her that I am happy enough to cry.
All of the hard things that happened to me all day and the stupid little thing that made me cry so hard was first thing in the morning. Combing my hair in the morning I didn't have my shirt on yet. My daughter gave me one of her necklaces and I have been wearing it. It has an angle on it and she told me it was for good luck. and when the clasp comes around to meet the angle you will have good luck and you can I can make a wish. I have been wearing it for days and hardly notice it. I saw it in the mirror and the clasp was still at the back. |I want my wish so bad, I need some good luck right now. |Not even my lucky necklace is working for me now. I wish with all my heart to have my wife back and hold her hand and tell her I love her and have her tell me she loves me and we can be together forever. that is my only wish, everything else I can take it or leave it. I wish I wish I wish..
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