It was a really long hard day for me today. My wife dropped off the kids and didn't come in. My daughter came in and hugged me as I was sitting on the stairs waiting for them. "Something seems wrong here" she told me indicating the house, "it's just not right." I said that I agreed and started crying in front of her, I held it back as best as I could but the kids both knew I was sad. she's such a little sweetheart she told me she was going to buy me some chips from their vending machine at school with her own money just to make me happy.
I wrote an email to my wife's parents, we had always been close but I haven't seen them since this all went down a week ago. They have wanted to come and see me but I felt that it would be too hard for me and so I told my wife to tell them it wasn't a good idea. I thought it would be best to at least open the line of communication with them so I sent an email. I explained how embarrassed I was to have failed in everything and how hard it would be for me to see them because of my shame because I loved and respected them so much that I didn't want them to see me in such a mess. She wrote back that they love me and that I didn't ever need to feel that way. Some of the things she said made me feel like our marriage was already over. It made me sad to think that in talking to my wife they got that impression.
I also sent a heartfelt email to my wife. Everyone tells you to follow your dreams and don't let go. My wife got a picture for our daughter and it said "Follow your dream wherever it takes you" I quoted that in my message to her. I told her that I had a dream and I was reaching for it so hard. That it would make our life together and our children's life together so great and meaningful. I told her I couldn't see the present through the future I was so focused on.
I didn't hear a lot from her today and so I was getting worse and worse. I told her that I thought that we should see a counselor and get some help. She said it was a great idea, that I should talk to someone, it's covered under her work plan, but that she wasn't ready yet. I told her that I wasn't interested in talking to anyone if she wasn't an active part. I suggested that we see the counselor separately to start but that we both needed to go. I told her "this is me begging you to go with me" I pleaded with her to go.
I did convince her to stop by on her way home to pick up the kids and look for some new glasses I had lenses for her. We looked around and talked like nothing was happening. We talked about the house and selling it to my parents. then we sat and talked about some deeper issues. Again she used the 'if' and 'maybe' and 'sometime' I'm not ruling it out. I told her that it made me feel like she had already considered our marriage over and she was just leading me on with the hope so I didn't totally break down and wind up bankrupt. I asked her again about counseling. I told her that while she had been thinking this over for months a year or more and that while she had come to terms with things that it was all very new to me. I said, that you have a plan and I have a plan but we have no plan together. A counselor will help us and even if they set us up and say think about this over the next two or three weeks then come back and see me. or do things like this while you wait until you are ready. I think she saw the logic in it and maybe because I begged her but she agreed to let me set something up. I asked her if I could hold her hand before she left, she was apprehensive because she thought it might make me too sad. I held her hand and it felt so good. I reached for her left hand and she kinda hid it on me and I knew right away what I'd find, no rings. I breaks my heart that she's not wearing them already, at all more like. I begged her not to give up on us.
She left my work and I still had a few hours left. Thank god nobody came in while we were talking. I called the counselors right away after she left, they are finding someone in my area and I will hear back soon they said. I did have a customer in after a bit and he just wanted to talk and talk. I've known him for a long time and he just wouldn't stop. I just wanted him to stop and leave so I could go in the back and cry. He wouldn't leave. Finally when he did I locked up almost right away and left for home.
In a lot of ways I feel like my wife has already given up and doesn't want to give healing it a chance, but she did agree to talk to someone so that is encouraging and I think I can go to bed tonight on a positive note. I hope I hear from someone sooner rather than later tomorrow, I don't know how long I can wait. I have been working on getting my business plan shutting down, getting things set up around the house, but not being able to talk to my wife and work on us has been killing me. I hope we can get started on that right away.
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