Today was somewhat better for me to start out. Had a good sleep when I did sleep. My back didn't hurt so much, had an almost solid bowl movement. things were on the up and up I guess. I couldn't sleep last night for a long time knowing my kids were moving to stay at my wife's place the next day. I wanted to get her something for her house just to show my support in her having her space to work on things.
I was thinking flowers but then how would I get them on time, it was 2am and the kids were sleeping. Looking around for what I had I found a little shelf that was unpainted so I decided to paint it for her. It looked aweful when I was done, but I was satisfied that the effort and thought was what was going to count here. I painted on it a little ankh, it is the key of life. Also I wrote a little note inside explaining that the ankh was a symbol for life and zest for life and joy of life and balance. I had said that I hope she finds her zest and joy with her new home. It was hard for me to write that it was her home, I've had a hard time with her making a home without me in it and I hope that she realized how hard it was for me to tell her it was okay that she had a home. Thinking about it, the house that she has is more of a home than this place has been left. she is making a home for herself but has stolen mine. I don't see how I'll ever have a home again, just a place to exist and sleep. I hope she realizes that her new home comes with the expense of mine. I know she hasn't felt at home here with me and that's why she is doing this so I'm willing to sacrifice my home for her right now until she finds her zest again.
-on a side note while I was writing this right now I noticed my lucky necklace has come around for my wish, I actually sighed with relief when I realized it. I made my wish, "Bring Andrea back to me"-
Work was okay, got some bills paid off. I now our time share has been an issue of stress for her. I am supposed to be taking care of the payments and every time one is late they call and call and my wife hears it and gets all stressed out that I can't even pay that. I texted her that it was done but never got a response.
I had a real estate agent come over to evaluate the house. It is someone I know personally but not really well. I of course had to tell him what was going on, it would be apparent as soon as he got here anyway. I told him that we were likely going to sell to my parents and that he wouldn't get the listing, he was happy to help anyway.. My wife had tried to get someone over but couldn't find anyone who would, knowing they weren't going to make any money on it. I was glad that this guy did, it was a good favor. though it seems that by the time we sell the house, if we had to pay real estate fees we wouldn't be able to pay off what we owe on it. that's a crappy situation. good thing my parents wanted to buy it.
I also asked my wife if she would be willing to see a counselor with me. "She said not right now" it's not a no but it's also indefinite too. I think the longer we go without seeing someone, even just for one session until things settle down with the business and her job and scheduling with the kids. If we don't get some thing right now I feel it never will get done. I think I'm going to press for the counseling.
I wrote her an email this morning first thing and had the subject line as personal read when you have time. I didn't need her reading it right away or when she was at work not on a break or something. It was really heartfelt writing it and I drew some lines to examples of how when I was the breadwinner in the family that I often felt the same way she did. I brought up examples of things she did that made me feel as though I was being left out of the equation. Also one about trust when she had come close to cheating on me and how that was similar to my loose internet chatting experience. These things are long over and dealt with but I wanted to draw a line showing that things aren't so different, and that I gave her the chance to mend things between us and that I thought that she should at least give us the chance now to make things better. I think she took it as more confrontational than it really was meant. she only said that she wasn't going to talk about it because she remembers things a lot different than I had. I tried to tell her that it's the same now that when she tells me that a year ago she told me she was going to leave if I didn't change, I don't remember it like that at all. I'm afraid I made things worse with that email and not got her to think about maybe I should be given a better chance than I'm getting.
There has to be some way of reaching her, but I'm afraid that if I try too much I will push her away before I find the right thing to say.
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