Got up with the kids today, got them showered and we went to breakfast with my parents my brother and two of my nieces. I am not sure my nieces were privy to what was going on but my brother is, he is trying to support me so much, the way a big brother feels he has to protect his baby brother. It went okay though, mostly small talk around the table, I think I handled it well, still can't eat that much though. It seems my appetite is gone as soon as I start eating. Maybe that's a good thing though seeing as I can't afford, like, food and stuff.
Knowing what was gone from the house I went with the kids and my parents to my work. I had an extra computer there and a desk to bring home so the kids and I have a computer to use and get on the internet and what not. I am far more okay with shutting down my company than I thought I had been. I thought that it would be loosing my identity but I don't feel that way about it. In fact I think I can view it more as trying to get back my identity. Everything has gone up in the air so much and in trying to pick up the pieces I don't really see myself as having much of an identity at all right now. So that's making it easier to shut down the company because I know that when that happens it's one step closer to getting my wife back and becomming a whole again.
She told me that she didn't know who she was. That she had to find out who she was. I think that her and many people in this situation don't look at the flip side of that coin. It's all about she got married young, went right from parents house to our house, never lived alone, never got to find out who she was. The flip side is that I don't know who I am either, I got married young too, went right from parents house to our house, never was a bachelor. Now I am being forced to see that person, I really don't want to know him, I liked the person that who's only identity was half of one married couple. He was a good man, I liked being him. I don't get to choose but now I have to find out who this other guy is, so far he's a mopy bastard who doesn't want to do anything. Though I suppose to be fair the half a person is still trying to work his way back in. I don't want to be anyone else, that's the difference. I have no identity besides husband and I like that. Why is it that she needs to be something else?
My daughter and I were moving some things around in my shop to take what we wanted and I moved a case with a football in it. It's signed by the local team and I keep it in a plexiglass case to protect it. she asked me if I could open it to get the ball out, I said sure but why would we want to we don't want to play with that ball. She said, "so you can keep your prize possession in there." I didn't really think but I said "I don't think ma ma will fit in there though." |I don't know if she heard what I said but I had to turn from her so she could see my face as I sobbed a little. she is such a little princess and she is so sweet to me, she asked me today if I was okay because my face looked sad. how can I talk to her about that. I want to say I am sad, I don't want you mother to be moved out I want us to be together. But then she wouldn't understand and blame her mother for moving out and hurting me. I just can't show the kids how hurt I really am.
she was doing her hair in the bathroom this morning. singing and brushing, exactly like my wife used to do in the morning. I used to like watching her, I'd wake up early just to see her do her makup and hair. She reminds me of her mother so much, I stood outside the door and cried as she sang and groomed. It is so hard to be away from all the little things that made up my life.
Trying to put the house back together and make rooms feel whole again. I moved my exercise stuff into the living room so that I had room to work out, I've always found that very relaxing for my spirit so maybe it will help me out a bit. Wetting up a new desk and computer, the ones I scooped from my work. Trying to keep focused on things so I didn't break down with the kids around.
My wife came by to pick the kids up and show them the new place. We talked a bit before she left, I let her know how my plans were going. I told her I saw a picture she had taken for me where I could see her tattoo and that it was so pretty. On our honey moon we both got tattoos and they have been like another wedding ring for us. I told her that it was hard for me swimming and having my shirt off so I could see mine. It will forever remind me of her and that will never go away. Right now I am holding on tight to any and every picture I have of her and she looks so beautiful in all of them, I can't stop staring at her.
She told me that my mother said something to her mother that was taken wrong and might have been said shedding a bad light on my wife. we agree that that can't happen. though our reasons differ, "I'm still our kids mother and will always be in their lives and can't be made to look bad or have a rift between grandparents and parents. Don't speak badly of me." My position is "she's my wife don't speak badly of her. Don't say anything that may cause tension when she comes back." I don't think anything was maliciously said and I know my parents don't have any anger towards her, they are hurt but not angry. So I had the talk with them, be extra politically correct because every one is extra sensitive right now.
I am crying and sobbing less today, I don't know if that's a good thing. Not crying is saying that I'm getting used to the idea of what is going on. I don't want to be used to it or okay with it, I want to feel sad because I'm not with my wife. I'm not upset to say that her leaving is devastating to me, I don't want to hide the fact that I am so in love I can't stand being without her. Maybe it's just because I have had so much to do today and keep my focus on other things and my mind off of the fact that the best thing I could ever hope to happen to me is gone away.
I have never told anyone this, and outwardly I'm not a spiritual person. I have an issue with religion and so to avoid heated discussion I stay agnostic. though my issue is with religion and the organizations and not with god. Months before I met my wife I would pray to have somebody that I could love and would love me back. "Please just send me a girl who I can hold on to and be everything with and open up to." I met my wife and I have often thought that I met her as an answer to my prayer, she was sent to me from god. She has been my angle for so long and I have always thanked god for letting me meet her and opening our hearts together. I never asked anything from god again, one big one was enough and I was thankful.
A while back I found myself asking god to just make my company successful, if that would happen I would be so happy. I had to stop myself because I had gotten my one miracle and I didn't want to ask for too much. But it was on my mind often. I can't help but think now that in asking for more I've lost what I really wanted. God if you are listening, for the record I don't need a second miracle I just want my first one back. I don't need to have a successful business, I'll find something else to fill that, I just want my angle back to hold her hands and look into her eyes and fall deeply in love with each other. I just want her back.
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