I learned to brush my teeth while crying this morning. That's a skill I never thought I'd have. It's strange how one second can change your entire skill set and the things you once thought were your assets are now compleetly useless. For example, a few days ago i thought that my desire to go after my dreams and give 110% in every thing and never give up were some of my best traits. Turns out my wife doesn't appreciate them so much, the business that was my (I had hoped our) dream is creating some resentment in her.
When she calls and says is, "is anyone there are you alone, good I'm coming over." and since I had a few months back talked to her about a fantasy I had of making love to her in my office I was thinking dream come true. Only when she sits down and says "I'm leaving you," my dream suddenly turns to a nightmare. Like every relationship we have had issues, but issues we were working through. Money is tight but money is tight all over and it's often been that way for us. She's stressed at her work, we can work on that. Last week we are picking out tile back splashes and new counter tops, and now, just one day at lunch, life changes for good.
Dow following my dream isn't something that is good, "get rid of it is not making enough money and get a job" giving 110% to make my dream a reality is "you care more about your company than you do about me." I will freely admit, I don't make any money. Like so many entrepreneurs feel, I feel success is just around the corner for me. things are getting better, after 5 years I can bring home somewhat regularly. And like most small business owners in small communities will tell you, it becomes a part of your identity. Being in a small community and knowing my customers on a personal level give me a different perspective on success, helping people and giving extraordinary service and good product become a level of success on their own. Unfortunately that's not how the banks measure success and not how my wife measures it either. I guess that was the last straw for her and on one Wednesday just after eating lunch I found out that I had the rest of the week to be a husband and a father and on Saturday she was moving out. Lease was signed so she couldn't change her mind. No second chances, gone on Saturday. There was a lot more fluff to it of course but the usual "it's not you it's me," and "I love you as a friend" that one particularly hurts. I suppose that the one saving grace I have is it's only a 6 month lease and the hope that it's only a temporary situation.
My chance for a new beginning is, get a job, support your family. But, here's the clincher, gotta do it on my own, she's moved out. Pick up your own pieces buddy. I've never been without my wife, we started dating when I turned 16 and got my first car and as far as I was concerned at the time I was in it for life or longer. The vows at the wedding I thought were silly "till death us do part." Not even then is my attitude. I've never made a major decision without talking to her... ever. I've never thought of going anywhere or doing anything without thinking that we would go and do it together. So I still don't have a decision to make as far as I'm concerned, get my wife back at all cost, at any cost. Or I could... nope just get her back.
Dream big, give 110% at everything, not so good. Brush teeth while sobbing... pretty handy trick. shaving while crying is a little risky but also doable. Talk to kids without crying used to be easy, all the sudden it's not so easy. I can shut it off at work when a customer comes in thankfully, but I've always been able to shut everything down and focus on a customer. It kills me though when talking to people, I used to say "Those look really good on you" and think, those will wow her friends , be really functional, comfortable, I'll have a happy customer, you should buy it. Now I'm thinking just say you'll think about it and get out if I have to force a smile any longer I'm going to throw up.
talking while crying isn't something that I've gotten the hang of yet. I look at my wife and want to say "you are the most beautiful woman I've ever met," it comes out through the sobs as "please don't leave me." I want to say "I can make things better I'll come up with a plan" I'm a pretty articulate guy, I have a good vocabulary, all I get is "don't go." Please is a word I can say while sobbing so I'll start my crying vocabulary with one word I can say really well. No is also go, especially when preceded by please. I guess I have had a blessed life, I've never had to develop a vocabulary of words I can say while crying. I managed to get out "I want you" and "I want you to want me" it was really hard to say "I don't want you to want someone else." Of course my mind is bouncing to the worst case scenario now, like I never used to. Some one would say "hows business shaping up? " I'd think "it's coming along, there's still a rocky road but I think it's turning a corner" Before lunch on Wednesday I never would have thought, "it's a dying horse and ruining my marriage and family, I'm so close to being bankrupt that I think there's a letter from a lawyer taped to my door." Now I can't help but think she's leaving, she's got a lease, hmmm she asked me if I had packing tape the other day and like a big dumb dog I said 'Yeah right here." I would believe right away that anyone given my situation would go to a "she's found comfort with someone else" idea. Thankfully she said she was not seeing anyone she had not seen anyone and she hadn't even dallied a little like one time. I suppose that she could be lying cause if she said otherwise I'd be a little puddle on the floor right now but I believe she's being honest about it, maybe I'm just needing to believe she's being honest. I've never been with another woman, she was my first kiss, my first girl friend, the first girl I ever held hands with, my first date. I have no skeletons in my closet at all. She only had one boyfriend before me, it was high school it wasn't serious and when she says that the most they did was make out my stomach turns at the thought. I was talking with my brothers fiance, she's a really good person and is going to be a really good friend I can tell. She said that I was the nicest guy she had met in a long time, that was a nice bit of ego stroking so it felt good, but she followed it with, "when she's out on the dating scene she'll realize how good you were." That was a knife in my heart. My wife, my girlfriend the woman of my dreams, my soul mate, dating. Holding hands with another man. Kissing him. Him feeling her up.. .
That's as far as that line can go, it took me about 10 min to write that and if I go any farther down that line I will be a puddle on the floor.
So, two days ago, following my dreams, wanted to get an RV to go camping with the family. Thinking about a vacation with the family to New York to see the city, wanted to go to Vegas just her and me. Maybe fulfilling a long time fantasy of having my wife at work. Two min later, no hopes, no dreams, lost my identity, lost my soul mate. Empty house, soon to be no work, no relationship with my customers, my level of success as I measure it is gone. I have a $20 bill in my pocket that I can get food or gas for... until I get a job. I guess it's a lot easier to measure success now, just go to the bottom of the scale and read the "you are here" sign.
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