People often ask the hypothetical question "what would you do if you only had one day left to live?" I knew when I woke up Friday that it was my last day, the next day my wife was moving out. I had one day left to still be a husband and family man. I wanted so bad to spend it with my family and my wife, even if all I could do would be to cry on her and hold her. But in my last day I chose to come in to my shop and try to find a way to earn another day, maybe two. In my last day I chose to fight for another day, I guess I just can't give up.
All day I was making plans, valuing equipment and stock, trying to analyze my debt. Come up with a plan to make things better, hold on to the hope that there will be hope. she asked me in a text what I wanted to do tonight, if she should go to her mothers or if I wanted to crash at my brothers house. I didn't want to loose my one day, I said "I want to be at home with you." Even if she's in a different room, even if I can only see her down the hall, it was my day. When she said she had already been packing and there were boxes everywhere I couldn't read any more texts. My one day was over. She wasn't moving out, she was moved out. She wasn't leaving, she had left. It wasn't ending it is over. I couldn't even read her messages any more. I know she was sending them I couldn't pick up my cell and read them. She called me. As soon as I herd her voice I broke down, I had to lock up my store, put up my Out to lunch sign and go in the back. I couldn't hold it back even a bit.
She keeps telling me she loves me and it's going to be best and she wants things to be easier on me. Like "I know it will be hard for you to see the house with my boxes ready to be moved out." I find it hard to believe that she has my best interests in mind, she has the power to end it all and make me the happiest man in the world and it would be that fast too. She has told me that she doesn't know that I love her, but that I love the idea of her. Apparently that means that I love the idea of having a wife that was my high school sweetheart and the first girl I ever dated. I won't lie about this, I do love that idea. I love that when we are together it's pure and good. We have no history with any one else and there's jealousy between us and i love that. I love her, and I know it. I love how she is strong and opinionated, and intelligent and educated. She is loving and trusting and kind, a great mother, a caring lover. My best friend and my loving wife. I think I can make my own mind up about that and make that decision for myself. There is something odd about being in a situation where you have absolutely no impact on what is happening, you make no decisions what so ever and can't sway decisions that are being made for you. I can't logic my way to change her mind, there's no thinking it out her mind is made up. No amount of begging and pleading is working either. she has decided it's best for us, she has decided I don't love her, she is deciding when and where and what is going on and how it's all going to happen. All i can do is hope I don't choke on my tongue when it all happens.
My mother had a hotel room for a couple nights. Normally when she isn't working on the road all week she and my father live with us. Mostly we don't see them until the weekend. With everything going on she wanted to give us some space and I was thankful. My wife dropped the kids off at the hotel and we stayed there for the night. They have a pool so we were able to splash around a bit. My daughter is learning to swim and she swims so good, but she was afraid to go down the slide because it empties into the deep end. My son is such a good big brother to her, encouraging her to do it, and supporting her. We had to practice her swimming a couple of times before she would try it. She is so brave and once she did she loved it and went down so much and they both had so much fun.
They have been told that their Mom is moving to a new house and that they will be going there to live. They understand that we are working on a lot of problems and closing the business and working on the house and that Mom and them don't need to be in the way as things are getting done. They understand that Mom needs some time away from the stress of what is going on. They know they have to be strong and support their mother and help her to heal. My kids are so great.
Got them to sleep in the hotel and i couldn't sleep, it was 11:30. I decided that I wasn't ready to give up my last day yet and got up , left the kids with my mother in the hotel room and drove home. I was texting my wife for about 20 min parked out front of our house. She wasn't responding, though I wasn't saying anything too unique, the same things I have only just been able to work out between sobs the last few days. I finally got up the courage to go up to the door. I know it's my house I have a key I can get in, but I needed my wife to let me in. I suppose it was symbolic in away maybe I just didn't want to impose on her in case she had things set up that she didn't want me to see. For whatever the reason I wanted so bad for her to let me in and not for me to just come in. I rang the doorbell and pounded on the door, it took a while, mostly for the dog to start barking for her to come, but she did come and open the door and let me in. I don't think she understood how much it meant to me for her to do that, "you should have just let yourself in." At that moment I was happier than I have been since she dropped this on me. I wanted to say so many things to her but all I could do was grab her and hold her .
We talked about a lot of things, my plans for fixing and how we were both feeling. She is moving out right now , and even as I type this I can hardly think of it. She needs to be away from me to decide if she's still in love and can trust me. She feels as if I have been lying to her about the state of the business for 5 years she says sometimes for 6. So since it's been open essentially she has been resenting me following my dream. She needs me to build her trust again and follow through with the things that I am setting afoot. I told her I support her having a sanctuary to go to, I don't like being away from her but I understand what she needs. I don't want to be not married, or separated. I told her I still wanted to talk every day and make plans together, even if it's just let's go to dinner or walk around the mall and get a haircut, as a family. It doesn't have to be weekdays the kids are with her weekends they are with me. I hope that we can have the kids live as they want and where is convenient for that days scheduled and that we can still do things as a family so that we don't grow apart . She says she want's that too and I need to believe her, but every minuet I can feel her farther from me.
I don't know if I can live without her being with me. There are some things I can do. I can cut my fingernails if I move slow. I can walk if I concentrate on every step. I can't put in the cufflinks she got me for Christmas. I can't be my own person, I have to be half of her.
I guess my last day ended swinging up. We were talking and working. There is a promise of a new day, though that day doesn't feel like today but I am sure I'll be able to see it soon. There has to be a new day soon or I'll never be whole again, just the broken half of something that was great.
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