It's been a busy week and I haven't had much time to write anything. I think my wife and I have had a lot of constructive talks, well emails and texts really. We did have breakfast yesterday. With the kids. I told her before, "how are you supposed to know if I am stronger and more the man you can fall back in love with if you never see me. The only time you see me is when we are in a deeply emotional discussion." I was trying to get her to go out with me, just light talk over drinks or dinner. I know she isn't ready for that yet but I wanted her to know a good place to start. So I think that breakfast with the kids was a safe start for her. Having the kids there we couldn't get into anything too deep. She knew that I couldn't break down and start begging her to come back. So that was a nice step, we talked just about stuff. I mentioned that I wanted to get a new TV so she suggested we go shopping at costco since she had the card and we could see what was available. I found one but didn't end up getting it because they don't take master card. It's probably for the best anyway, I more wanted to go just to get out with my wife. It was like we were a family again, though it took everything I had not to walk up and put my arm around her waist as we walked.
She still hasn't told me anything about her and I understand why. She needs to see that she can stand on her own. I think she felt held down with me and she wants to see what it feels like by herself. I don't know if she is expecting to feel like everything is easier or if she is waiting to see if she can do it or see if it will be easier if we work together. I don't know what she expects to find out she is not telling me. She's not avoiding the questions, she is coming right out and saying that she needs to be closed right now. I am thinking that she also needs to see me stand on my own. She needs to see that I am strong enough to stand alone and capable of it so that when we get back together I won't just lean. I also think that that is why she is staying closed, she doesn't want to give me anything to lean on to get me by until we do get back together and then I am just building a house of cards. I can understand where she is coming from, maybe not fully, but I can see a point to be made.
Sometimes I feel as though she is orchestrating things to groom me into the man she wants me to be. Though we have never plaid games like that so I don't think that is her plan, or her main plan anyway. It may turn out that she is toying around with that a bit but I don't believe that she is that devious to plan everything like that. She is just standing back to see what happens. I told her I understand that she needs to be closed for things to work but that I need to be an open book. The only way I can show her how strong I am is for her to look. I told her I was in a glass house and any time she needed to see what I was doing to just ask, and that a lot of times I will need to tell her because I need her to see. I need to parade my victories in front of her to show her I can and am doing it.
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