Saturday 21 April 2012

lucky I can still talk

  Well at least we are going to see the show still.  only a couple of hours left until the show starts.  We have agreed it is not a date just going as friends.  Not stood up anyway.  And she is seeing my counselor, though I think it's only to tell her to tell me to get a grip.  I think she was a little put off by my shakes.  While we were talking the other night they got really bad, it was hard to drive home.  I took it slow, didn't get pulled over which is good, I think that a cop would have sent me to the hospital straight away.
  It's not been good today either,  maybe I'm just nervous about going out.  Usually just confined to my right arm and if I concentrate I could make it stop, It's now more my body that shakes and it is very difficult to make stop.  I had an episode earlier, I was at the computer.  Not really over thinking anything but it came on strong, started in my legs and worked it's way up.  I was slouched over the desk cause I couldn't sit even,  then my face clenched up and I couldn't even cry my mouth was so tense.  I drooled a lot, lucky I didn't bite my tongue off I think.  Couldn't stop, couldn't hardly do anything but try not to fall out of my chair.  It passed before I blacked out,  not sure how I feel about that.  I guess it's good that I didn't have a heart attack, but I can't say I really fought hard to avoid it.
  I did buy a new tv and that has kept my mind off things a bit.  Though I am worried about making it through cats.  I watched Tron this morning and at the end when he said, "I have something to show you"  I actually said to myself, "the sunrise"  out loud and then started crying.  Not just emotional I get that at movies sometimes but I actually full out cried.  I hope it doesn't happen at the show.  Also I haven't listened to music at all since cause it's too emotional so I am going to get pounded today.  I guess I wasn't thinking.  I shall do my best to hold up.  Keep it together.  KIT is my new catch phrase.

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