Of birds and stars and the sunrise.

  It was a bad day at work, not just because it was slow and that gave me too much time to think.  Mostly because it was what I was thinking of.  My mother in law was coming to buy glasses with my wife tonight.  I love seeing them but knew I probably couldn't handle it at work.  It was all I could do to not break down.  I knew I was leaving at 5 and thought they might not be there until after I left and I was counting the seconds until I could run out the door and avoid the whole thing. 
  I couldn't.  It was just my mother and her friend and I could handle that,  I was able to keep my nerves in check enough that when I was talking and handing them frames and stuff I was somewhat solid.  I didn't shake that much and I could focus and not shake noticeably in front of them and keep conversation.
  When my wife showed up though I went all to hell.  I couldn't look at her and hoped she didn't ask me how she looked in something because I knew I'd break down and say "you look so beautiful" and start crying.  I tried to keep my shaky side away from people or keep my hand in my pocket or behind my back.  And when I stuttered I tried to look like I was thinking.  I don't think I hid much from them because as soon as they had paid they left cause they knew I was right on the edge.  And as soon as they left I grabbed my coat and shot out as fast as I could.
  I only made it to the service hallway before I lost it and it was a long walk to my car trying to keep it together.  Starting my car was a challenge as was driving home.  Got home and took a chill pill right away.  It stops me from shaking and convulsing but it doesn't make me feel any better, just makes it easier to hide how I do feel.
  The comic convention tomorrow, the kids are excited.  I will be meeting some of my friends down there and also maybe my brother in law.  I have a little anxiety about that to be honest.  I don't know how to answer the "how are you?" question.  Avoid it as best I can probably.  People don't want to hear, "I'm a mess,  I can hardly stand.  Sometimes I shake so bad I fall out of my chair and drool on the floor.  Every night I prey I have a heart attack and never wake up.  Sometimes I think how peaceful it would be to pull a trigger and rest forever.  The stars don't shine, the birds don't sing, and the sun rise is grey and dark."
  Somehow people just want to hear "Hanging in there,"  or, "I'm good."  I can do that to people at work, customers and such, but to people I care about I don't want to lie.  avoid avoid avoid.  hope my druggs keep me from looking to bad.